"SNOGGO's Space Journey"
(The very first SNOGGO adventure)
written by SNOGGO
(well, by Edna Sweetlove really)
Cruising through space, looking out of the space porthole, seeing the planets passing by, jesus fucking christ we were so excited, all those fucking planets, what a fucking staggering sight.
Sharon, our Captain (at three foot six and twenty-one and a half stone* an imposing looking woman), bellowed out her order: 'Prepare to descend, you mothers!'
So most of us stopped shagging and we started preparations for the descent onto the surface of the treacherous unknown planet Bollox (aka Big Bollox on account of there having been a mix up in naming newly discovered planets and so the universe had ended up with three planets all called Bollox) - as I was saying, the planet Bollox on which no fucking human ever, ever, ever trod on before. Wow, this was fucking exciting.
The zonometer showed we were only 3,000 feet above the surface of the unknown planet....2,900, 2,800, 2,700, 2,600, 2,500, 2,400......
You got the fucking picture?
BLAM!! We landed. The fucking zonometer was inaccurate, but that's what happens when you buy cheap Asian imports at a fucking discount.
Captain Sharon went through the full three-hour post-landing, pre-disembarcation procedure whilst I was shitting. I did an enormous one, very smelly and utterly horrible. She was waiting at the door when I finished and she was clearly very constipated.
It was time to disembark onto the unknown surface of the unknown planet Bollox. The stratodoor opened and we were overwhelmed by the stench which hit our fucking nostrils toute suite: purest shit. What kind of people were the Bolloxonians who couldn't even organise a decent sewage system?
I was chosen (on account of my club foot) to be among the first to descend onto Bollox's surface. It was cool and I limped heroically onto the planet's surface.
We explored a bit, being careful not to step on the huge piles of used condoms everywhere. The terrain was hideous and eldritch, a bit like my Aunt Edna's bedroom after she's been entertaining the local retards for a gangbang shag-in.
We saw this thing. My mind could not immediately recognise it for its utter, brain-blowing horror. I cannot tell you what it was, the words fail me, my intellect goes into shut-down mode. O holy fuck it was ghastly. All right, I'll tell you what it was. It was a THREE HUNDRED FOOT TURD, all covered in oozing pus and vibrating bleeding worms and so on and shit like that.
The crew of the our spaceship were enraptured and I was nearly killed in the scrum to get stuck in to this mighty beauty. We had travelled three light years, crossed fifty galaxies, battled twelve-inch penised space midgets for the right to feast on this great turd.
What can I say? How can I describe the mighty cry that rose up from the assembled crew as they started to gobble the giant space poo lump....?
'YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM!' they shrieked orgasmically, pissing themselves in well-earned contentment. I think we must agree that it was delicious and well worth the journey.
THE END
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AUTHOR'S NOTES
1] * 21½ stone = 301 pounds: also 141 kilograms
2] God bless. And thank you for reading this. Put YUM! YUM! YUM! in your author's comments to show you have fully digested the tale.
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Author notes
A truly EPIC journey by space explorer SNOGGO the valiant!
If you enjoyed this, try SNOGGO's 2nd adventure: allpoetry.com/ poem/1180980 "SNOGGO And The Slavering Beast"
Written on 8th April, 2005 (with amendments later).
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 76 of 76
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oh, but, by the way, the huge bollox were worth it!
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this is a twenty one and a half stone poem - if ever I carried one.
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shocking
Why is history constantly being rewritten? I landed first on Bollox, yes, that's right, Big Bollox, well before you did, and only in order to lay a cable - that's right, that huge turd that you and your ilk then feasted upon came from me - How can a creature squat comfortably to take a crap on an unknown world any more, if entrepid space cadets are going to turn up and ingest them? (the turds I mean, you'd have to be REALLY BIG to eat me!)
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To be entirely honest,
you lost my attention when I read the first word.
And counting all the "fucking"'s in the poem didn't seem as appealing as it did this morning at four in the morning..
I'll read this again later if I can be fucked.
x
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I shall try not to misunderstand that last statement.
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Get over yourself
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Mmmmmm. You're cuter than my pet mouse Alfonso.
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YUM! YUM! YUM!
Whenever I need a pick me up I read something from the fab~U~lous world of Edna's fecal mind! A wonderful place to vaccation. (cheap rates and lot's of discount asian ikea knock offs)
This made me laugh, smile and head for the toilet. Bravo!
. Rewarded 4
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well, what can i say? i think all the fucking and shitting and shagging and space exploration have been covered, and with great detail. so, i will say this, it made me laugh a couple times, and well, i'd like a taste myself.
. Rewarded 4
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utterly fabulous...
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space travel...and darkness very VERY nice
this was a trip..no pun intended....you have a certain way with words...and feelings...and you did a well rounded exploration of this...
. Rewarded 4
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fucking awesome much better than some other crap i read made me fucking laugh i like jokes about shit
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it was a bit entertaining, it definitely wasnt the best i have read from you but it was average, i think you couldve done better
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WTF???
AWESOME!!! I loved it! I fucking loved it! Your random, yet, on-topic humor indicates that you've moved beyond the commonly understood interpretation of humor as the collection of ironic observations related in very specific and mundane terms. I loved your imagery! I loved it all! Especially the light-hearted profanity! Keep up the great work!
. Rewarded 6
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There is no profanity here. Only a bit of vulgarity.
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not so Yum! Yum! Yum!
this is insane... I think you have too much free time on your hands, Edna... perhaps you should take up a side job as a valet...
nicely written, though... good for a laugh. -
It's definitely...creative, but I think you used the F word a little too much. Hey, I didn't know we were allowed to post stories up here!
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I am so sorry Edna, in my "wetting my knickers" hurry to read more about snoggo, didn't realise that I had already commented. It really grieves me to have wasted your points but what the hell I enjoyed it just as much the second time around
Val
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Here's a list of all the SNOGGO tales - you may have missed some of them! http://allpoetry.com/list/21560-SNOGGO-s-Adventures
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Do I really have to write 'yum yum yum'? Aw fine YUM! YUM! YUM!
Totally didn't see that coming, but I liked it. Twisted and surprising. Eating the turds? How does one come up with that?
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Now then, thats more like the Edna I know and love, so whats with all that f.....g tripe on Snoggo's second adventure. As he turned into wimp or something? or, did you write it when you were pissed?
If I were a school ma'm I would threaten you with the cane but I know you'd enjoy that. Val
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um de dum, yeah abit nuts, I personally would of introduced A few more characters to make it alittle more unique, starved the reader of swearing on the on step and then bring out the shock alittle latter, although intriguiningly brave in that department, especially when you broke suspense with an insult to the reader hehehe quite inventive.... anyhoos i gotta go dump right now (not really sure if thats a good thing...) UMm GOOD LUCK with double strength tooth paste -JAS
. Rewarded 8
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eeew!!Its great, funny, disgusting and all that!You sure are creative gal.
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HAHa..hilarious one here Edna... giant space turd indeed!
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Ah yes the cheap asian imports can be a bastard!
I must say that although I am reading them not quite in order I am coming to love this SNOGGO character and his affinity for turds - who doesn't like a good turd!
Maybe that uptight captain sharon could get some laxatives for that constipation of hers - I mean a planet where you find 300 foot turds has to have an abundant supply - no?
Excellent adventure
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If you click on my list "SNOGGO's Adventures" (list only found within each poem, e.g. this one) you will get a full listing in sequence. The sequence is important for the last 3 or 4 as you see the character of his mail-order bride change........
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ooops I followed the link on the last poem but I have already read this one!
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Oh dear, you have a whole series of these stories! I must say I like how up-front and in your face your style of writing is. I will be back to read more of SNOGGO as soon as I have time. Well done sweetcheeks, a very humourous hero indeed.
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YUM! YUM! YUM!
What the bloody hell was that all about? -
fuckin' fantastic
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your welcome.
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Yum, yum, yum. this is very clever and very funny just like the work of another poet on this site. You and he have just got to be the same person...Youve just GOT to be. Same love midgets... same zany sence of humour. even the poo! can I join?
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good write
you lost me when you put aall the cuss words in your write. the storywould read fine without them. good write though. -
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How could I lose you through "Cusswords" (???? means what?) Did you not understand them?
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okay this was very funny. I was chuckling all the way, and yet I was disgusted at the same time. good thing I wasn't eating when I read this, lol. good job.
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I love your narrative style.. it's sort of early fifties sci-fi mixed with post-modern hip.
I can't help but see this in a few different ways.. and of course, travelling all that way for shit... is so typically human isn't it?
Loved it.
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Ohhh! I may not want to go on another outerspace adventure with SNOGGO again. My tummy is queesy now. But I've also got to find the other links.
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Crappy
Yum,Yum,Yum,warm nourishing food straight from great big bum!We feasted well, the smell was hell and the worms fell.A wonderous journey and Sharon sure took you to a place that you will never forget.I took offense to the reference to your Aunt Edna,a remarkably genteel lady who would never stoop so low as to organise shag bangs in her Palatial home .You have to keep in mind that Edna is plagued by hangers on and relatives that she does her best to keep at a distance.Why didn't you take her in the SpaceShip with you?The least you could do is show your Aunt a good time and know she would have loved the Crew. -
Go to GROUPS on the "toolbar" under the AP logo at the top of the page. Find "Fans of SNOGGO" under "F" et voila!
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I must say I was shocked,
But your work should not be mocked,
Though the thought is not as rude,
As your daddy dancing nude,
(Think of that one if you dare,
Or your gran in underwear)
I must say I liked this tale,
And though crude, it cannot fail
To amuse those who can see
What humour's supposed to be,
Anyway, I'm burbling on,
And I must be getting gone,
So thank you for a great read,
YUM! YUM! YUM! as you decreed...
(I'd like to join this group, you know,
But I don't know where to go...)
Now, a most sincere goodbye,
From your faithful groupie,
Tai. -
You seem to enjoy SNOGGO stories! Why not join the group "Fans of SNOGGO" then you won't miss the next one!
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everything i read seems so shitty
everything i write is crap too
this belongs on the top of piles
ever so temporarily
as it will be eaten
by the mirror people of APPOO
as soon as they can get their shit together
Edited on Dec 13, 8:59 because ''. -
interesting
Great humor. A space journey with an attitude. Very entertaining. Good luck in the contest. -
Coprophiliacs unite
come on down and take a bite
masturbate at thought and sight
of this mighty pile of S***e
I believe that my comment is much more genteel than this rather discgusting story. Tut, tut, Edna. You have soiled your doilies. -
Good work
God she weighs more than me!
Nice story, really enjoyed it...two thumbs up for this one, it definitely has my approval...good work! ~Rachel
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EWWW!
I... don't... know where you got this idea.
It's disgusting but... umm... yeah. You meant it that way.
Ugh. -
SNOGGO is a fan of old Seppy. Anyway I have removed the poem from your contest as SNOGGO is offended.
PS Who is Sephiroth when she or he or it or they is or are at home? Don't both tell me, I don't care
Edited on Oct 29, 2:46 p.m. because ''. -
You know...this contest is about someone named Sephiroth...Not Snoggo. I don't know why you would enter something that had nothing to do with the contest unless you didn't bother to read the contest. Needless to say that this is going to get disqualified.
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YUM! YUM! YUM!
that was hillarious but really gross.i love the swearing it just seems to work for the story.i will definitly have to read the rest.
great job -
Bravo
I think you have quite an imagination on ya....YUM YUM -
great
Just wanted to say 'Yum fucking yum and maybe Yum' it was yummy... -
I disagree with Sephiroth Lost. I would find the over use of the word "fucking" very acceptable, as the way the story was told tells a lot about the character in the story, without coming out and saying the character's personality word for word (showing instead of telling).
For example, it was a great idea to mention stepping on the piles of used condoms. The readers now know how slutty the inhabitants of this planet are without you coming out and directly telling them.
"Very teenage"? Try genious.
Overall I think it was a great story. A very creative world, told from the point of view of one of the characters. The giant turd was a shocking turn around, and pretty funny too.
Let's just say I really enjoyed reading it. Good luck in the contest. -
YUM! YUM! YUM!
Now, excuse me a moment while I go shit this thing out in the toilet. (We all have to shit, eventually, so I wasn't being offensive. Just, realistic.) I wouldn't want to be constipated while laughing my arse off. That's just doubly painful, and would ruin the fucking--I mean, filthy good humor.
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Now the good ship snoggo seems like the place to be- surrounded by all that ....well, fucking space! I really enjoyed reading this
david -
fair enough... sorry if I sounded harsh.. the amount of people I have who refuse to admit where things belong is too many which is why I'm cynical.. I know your trying.. so I won't DQ if it does change back (I know how it feels when sommat like that happens.)
Reb.
Edited on Aug 09, 8:57 because ''. -
I have made this "adult" at least 5 times! AP's computer keeps changing it! I'll change t back again, but it's fighting a losing battle.
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very teenage.
First off... thank you for entering, where as I can see where this could be considered funny in certain circumstances, for me the use of fucking every other word doesn't work, not that it never works... for example Train Spotters was apparently a classic and that from what I heard used that word nearly all the time. The subject matter was... if somewhat grotesque certianly kept to rigidly, and your narrator remained in character the whole way through.
I do have to point out one or two things for the on going argument.
1. Our author here is correct, in England we use the s instead of the more common American Z (I'm always teasing my US friends about this) just as we like to add u's as in colour.
2. Spell checker in English or American english within word... put to a nice word... SUCKS. If you want to know why I say this.. try typing something like co operation and watch the vicious circle you get yourself into while word tries to decide if it should be 1. co operation 2. cooperation or 3. co-operation. Giving you the next one each time. I can't blame anyone for not wishing to use this.
3. Jesus Christ is a name, it is nothing to do with religion or not (Myself I'm an atheist) however I know plenty of people who give themselves their name with a small letter so whereas I do prefer names to be given capitals can see why you might not apart from the general idea of "pissing off Christians" to which there is little point as the majority of Christians I have met wouldnt' really care if a non christian capped or not.
4. Feet and inches. Yes if you want to be completely correct you can say 3 feet 6 inches.. however in England 3 foot 6 or even 3'6 is also completely allowed and accepted as proper use of the english language. (how weird are we Brits?
)
5. I can't agree that America sucks. A lot of my friends are American, I would however like to see Britain get a few more things before America (computer games especially) and am glad to be part of the country that spawned Red Dwarf.
6. Exclamation marks. Valid. I have seen plenty of both english AND American books use more than one exclamation mark to really emphasise something and this was evidentally the case here.
7. Switching around words? WHy? Why? Why?! Why does it matter (unless one is writing a poem or a song) if words are placed one way or another.. just because one person speaks in one way.. does not say that all "normal" people speak in this way.
Back to the comment *chuckles* as I said a well written story and if it didnt' make me laugh overly much you can rest assured I think that other people do find this a story worth reading when they need a laugh. Also I Did get a good laugh from reading the comments between you and BlkMagic.
The only thing I must request for the purpose of this contest, is that you add it to some sort of adult category due to both the language, nature and topic of the story.
Thanks in advance and once again.. thank you for entering.
REbecca. -
Hahaha, that was great. Yum Yum yum. It took we a while to figure out your poetry, but when I did, I quite enjoyed it.
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Um....this is....different. Good read for a laugh, can't really take it seriously with all the profanity. 'YUM! YUM! YUM!' ...
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BMG has racial anger issues! yum yum fucking yum
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BlackMagicwoman seems like one of those Know it all jackazzez who take the fun out of everything. Why does it have to be intellectuall and proper to be a good write? Have you heard of "South Park" since you say you live in america as I do I believe you have and that is a simple improper thats brilliant and funny. Ok but dont be mad that someone entered your contest and didnt meet your standards because not everyone likes the same thing. Oh well im not gonna get into this. Edna just to let you know that not all americans are yanks.....(i'd rather be bitish or an aussi...america sucks) so just so you know dont call him a yank because for all we know hes a hick living in a run down trailer park. I also spotted that you used Aunt ednas bedroom to describe the planet but looking at your name does this mean you are aunt edna or just love your aunt edna. Next and finally one of my best friends is asian and I was only slightly offended for the " cheap Asian imports at a fucking discount" but everyone has there opinion so its alright.
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Oh my Gawd, this was funny. It had me laughing all the way through. I especially like your use of the word 'fucking'. And with that I mean I loved the fact you used it almost every other word. Totally hilarious!
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I tolerated your initial reply because you had put some effort into it. Your second retort is just plain ill-mannered stupid pompous self-satisfied mispelled Yank bollocks. Good bye.
Edited on Apr 15, 5:02 p.m. because ''. -
Well considering I live in America I'm not insulted by you pointing out that you wrote your story in English English instead of American English. None of my corrections were false or wrong simply because I'm American and use American English as my basis for corrections. And any idiot can claim they simply hadn't checked, but only you know that truth and you can rest easy knowing I don't believe you. You didn't even read the contest rules, which you followed none of them, so you didn't win, because if you had simply looked at the top of this very PAGE you'd know who the contest holder is. It's people like YOU who blindly enter garbage into a contest simply to take up space, that clog up the entry lists without even reading the rules, the rules are there not to be tedious or something, their there so that the holder in some way knows that you the entrant took the time and gave them the courtesy. It's not there to be mocked.
jesus christ being uncapitalized doesn't offend me in the least, my microsoft word 97 simply picked it up and I posted it. I'm pagan so, no, you didn't offend me in the least. But it's childish to delibrately do retarded crap like that simply to piss a certain group off. In fact, NOTHING about your story was offensive, for to be offended would imply on some level that I enjoyed reading it. However, I don't enjoy reading barely readable stories filled with gratuitous cussing, which ceases to give it personality and begins to deter from its readability. If the English society publishes things like that work up there, I'm glad I live in America wheresome form of intelligability is necessary to get published.
Anyway, I'm done with this conversation, I simply say again, if I'm wrong then why are you defending yourself so much? If there wasn't some kernel of truth to what I say, then you wouldn't have bothered to defend yourself from that part of the comment. Anyway, good-bye.
Edited on Apr 14, 9:53 p.m. because 'well'. -
I had to applaud you for the effort you put into your reply! I won't bore you with a long refutation of your alleged "corrections"; and the stylistic comments are irrelevant and merely a matter of taste, many of them perhaps indicating an erroneous belief that Americanised English is preferable to standard English. Punctuation is often a matter of choice and I disagree with your comments there; and non-capitalisation of Jesus Christ was intentional in order to offend dumb Christians.
However a few need to be commented on:-
travelled/club foot/shut-down or (shut down): these are the correct spellings in English; your versions are American - clubfoot and shutdown are unknown in English;
embarcation/organise/recognise: these variants are in the Oxford dictionary and the last is normal in English English;
three foot six is correct in English to express a height; feet would only be used in the sense of having three feet or walking a distance of three feet;
I have just noticed one mistake and I've put it right: I missed out the word "that" after "mighty cry" (you didn't spot the only real error, but that's ironic life isn't it?)
Thanks for noticing the small t at the start of one sentence; I've put that right.
I do not use Word as a spell-checker as it is American-usage orientated (oriented it would prefer which is laughable); it also uses US grammatical and punctuation preferences which are irrelevant in English. Incidentally it apparently didn't spot the missing "that" !
Very best wishes! We obviously share a liking for pedantry.
Edited on Jun 25, 5:26 because 'clarity'. -
Do I detect a bit of bitterness that you didn't win? Since the comment was replied to after the trophies were given out...I'm gonn go with you're bitter that I wasn't impressed with your self-proclaimed brilliant work. But If I must, I'll point out the mistakes I was talking about, perhaps grammar mistakes was the wrong choice of words but there ARE mistakes, here goes.
what a fucking staggering sight. - in the interest of flowing smoothly, a normal person would have said "what a staggering fucking sight"
by, jesus fucking christ we were so excited, all those fucking planets- Jesus and Christ should have been capitalized.
(at three foot six and three hundred pounds an imposing - should have read three feet six inches
aka Big Bollox - the correct portrayal of "aka" is a.k.a.
planet....2,900, 2,800, 2,700, 2,600, 2,500, 2,400......-technically three ellipses are sufficient in literature.
You got the fucking picture? - A question mark really isn't needed from the sentiment of the words, a period is more appropriate.
BLAM!! - two exclamation points is redundant.
landed. the fucking zonometer - did you start a new sentence without capitalizing??? Hmm grammar mistake!!!!
pre-disembarcation - misspelled, disembarkation is the correct spelling.
we were overwhelmed by the stench which hit our fucking nostrils - should have been stench, which or stench that
organise - organize
club foot- clubfoot
recognise- recognize
shut-down - shutdown
The crew of the our spaceship were - is the the crew of the spaceship or the crew of our spaceship, perhaps you should have made up your mind???
travelled - traveled
We had travelled three light years, crossed fifty galaxies, battled twelve-inch penised space midgets for the right to feast on this great turd. - typically when listing such things, on the last item no comma is needed to be replaced with the word "and"
How can I describe the mighty cry rose up from the assembled crew as they started to gobble the giant space poo lump....? - Again, you need to make up your mind because grammatically it is one or the other, either its ellipses, a period OR a question mark.
With the exception of the very first pointed out mistake/suggestion, EVERY ONE WAS PICKED UP BY MY MICROSOFT WORD 97, EITHER IN THE SPELLING OR GRAMMAR CHECK! I copied it to my microsoft word just so I could prove to you that just because you thought you should win, doesn't make ME WRONG!
You have a nice day now mister sore loser! -
Interesting journey. Different although not my cup of tea. I admire your expression and wish you all the best.. Happy Day.
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Dear BMW: thank you for your comment; however there are NO grammatical errors (indeed in your note there is one!). The only possible query might be using "crew" as a plural instead of a singular. What is "stuff", pray?
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Well, this was funny in that gross nasty kind of way, LOL. Reminds me of those conversations that always pop up about corn in your shit even when you haven't had corn in like...weeks. And its always whole, even when you chew and grind it up it comes out whole. Do our stomach's enzymes piece it back to together while digesting it? One may never know! Anyway, there were a lot of grammar errors and stuff, but it was funny, took me by surprise that they began eating the huge turd...quite gross. YUMYUMYUM, yuck.
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woah... looks as if i have stumbled upon a story void of decency... i'm not sure nasa would have been able to fucking relate
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Well. Well, well, well. I don't know what to say. This obliterated my view of space travel. I mean, wow.
Yum, yum, yum!!! -
wtf? ohhh lol
certianly different lol and very funny. good job. -
Do you think 300 pounds is too little? I could make it 400 without spoiling the poetic flow. I could also downsize Capt. Sharon to 3 foot 2 inches if you think it would improve things. I value your opinions. I wouldn't be offended if you applauded.
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you so crazy--but i'm hooked!
whacked sense of humor had me laffin all through this--imagine, three foot six and three hundred pounds...cheap asian products at a discount...and YUM YUM YUM!!!!!!! (LOVE IT)
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.
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This is brilliant.
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