Night had fallen faster than Clinton’s trousers. I walked over to the window and stared down at the street from my second-floor walk-up overlooking my part of the city……the west side. Dim streetlamps cast eerie shadows on parking meters and starving dogs scurrying down deserted streets to pillage through overflowing garbage cans. The west side was the mean part of town. Kids would scotch-tape worms to the sidewalks to watch the birds get hernias. It was MY town. I was known, respected and revered by all. I was the man people could turn to when troubles got them down. Women called me at all hours for my services. I made it possible for them to sleep at night.I was– the bug man.
(to the tune of Something’s Coming)
I’m the bugman – I’m the guy.
Spray the bugs and watch them die.
I am the man.
Come on, roaches. Bring it on!
Don’t be shy – gonna die.
I have the can.
I’m the bugman – see them fall.
Roaches, fleas – I get them all.
They have no chance!
Once I hit them with my spray
It’s oy vay! They go away.
So long, you ants!
My can is pumpin’
And all the bugs are jumpin’.
Could be…
Who knows?
And so….
It goes……
I turned from the window and walked over to my answering machine. It was time to check messages and set up my work for tomorrow. It wasn’t much of a living. The west side was pretty poor, you see. The pawnbroker only had two balls. But I was dedicated to my work. I hit the replay button and Mrs. O’Reilly’s shrill voice filled my office…
(to the tune of Maria)
A cockroach!
I just saw a bug called a cockroach!
It crawled across my arm
And caused so much alarm I screamed!
A cockroach!
The size of a Volkswagen cockroach!!
Much uglier than sin
Or anything else in
My dreams!
A cockroach!
Spray it once and it doesn't stop going.
Spray it twice and you might see teeth showing.
A cockroach!
I'll never stop hating
A cockroach!!!
BEEP! Another message appeared, this one from Maisy Padrone....
(to the tune of I Feel Pretty)
I feel itchy.
I feel bitchy.
I feel itchy and bitchy with fleas!
Nerves are twitchy..
Am I coming down with some disease?
Fleas are biting!
I am fighting!
Every sighting just makes me itch more.
I am crawling over chairs to keep feet
Off the floor.
See that little flea crawl upon my leg!
Watch him sink his teeth in my knee!
More here on my arm
More here in my hair
More here on my neck
More all over me!!!
Desperation
And frustration
Cause gyrations that I never knew.
I'm so itchy
Tell me that I can depend on you!
The third message came from Delores Lee. I could hear her screaming and loud crashes could be heard in the background. With my natural-born instincts I decided this one had to be taken care of immediately. I put on my bug hat and attached my spray belt around my waist. Oh, first, I had to call Georgia McCarthy. She was my constant complainer, daily calls for help to exterminate that trash bin of a dwelling she called a house. I was fed upand decided to terminate my employment with her…
(to the tune of dear Office Krumpke)
Dear Mrs. McCarthy
Of course you have bugs.
You never clean your house
And all your kids are on drugs.
Your table is dirty and covered with grime
And it stays like that all the time.
All the time! All the time
There is dirt and grime
And your house is filthy all the time!
Dear Mrs. McCarthy
No dishes are clean.
Your laundry is allergic to
A washing machine.
Your sink is all clogged up
With hair in the drain.
Living like you do is insane,
It’s insane! It’s insane!
How you live! It’s plain
That to live like you do is insane!
Dear Mrs. McCarthy
What are we to do?
I swear that if I were a bug
I’d live with you, too.
Your house is a refuge
To every town mouse..
Mrs. McCarthy….clean house!!!!
Delores Lee’s house was only a few blocks away so, not owning a car, I decided to walk. The streets were deserted, the only sounds being the echo of my footsteps on the pavement and the scurrying of rats. At night the streets of the west side belonged to the rats. Walking past an alley, I could hear them congregating in the darkness…
(to the tune of When You’re a Jet)
When you're a rat
You're a rat all the way.
You can call out the cats
And we'll scare them away.
When you're a rat
You will travel in packs.
You'll wreak havoc and fear
With blind-sided attacks..
You're never alone.
That's all that there is to it.
You find an old shoe...
Just go ahead and chew it.
It's fun to do it!!!!
We are the rats and the streets are our own.
You can shove all your traps - we won't leave you alone.
When you're a rat you stay a RAT!!!
The Lee house was a disaster. The door had disintegrated and pieces of the ceiling were laying on the dining room table. Delores grabbed my arm and said, “Thank God you’re here! What is happening to me??”I looked around, dodging falling rafters and holes in the floor, made my assessment of the situation and gave her my report..
(to the tune of Tonight)
Termites! Termites!
Dear lady, they're termites.
They're eating all your treasures away!
Termites! Termites!
They hide there out of sight
Eating chairs - eating wood
Come what may!
The roaches are a simple bother.
The small ants are another.
They just come by for spite
But, deep inside,
Those evil creatures hide...
They're termites!
Termites!!!!
I made arrangements to tent the house the next day and left. Enough work for tonight…I would head over to Sam’s all night coffee shop and carbuerator repair and sip java while Sam and I recounted old war stories as we had so many times before. Then I would head home for a good night’s sleep – the kind of contented sleep one can get only from knowing that work has been well done. Tomorrow it would all begin again…such is the life of a bugman.
(to the tune of I Feel Pretty, once again)
I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I kill roaches and termites and fleas.
Evil creatures
I will hunt and bring them to their knees.
I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I’m the man that the ladies adore!
When I’m finished
There’ll be nothing crawling on your floor.
See that little ant on the counter there!
Now he’s just as dead as can be.
Roaches, too, will fall
Spiders? Kill them all!
They have got to know
They can’t mess with me.
They can’t mess with me!!
I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I’m so glad that you all came along.
It’s a pleasure
Entertaining you with rhyme and song!!!
So long!!!!!!
Author notes
This is the way "West Side Story" might have been written by an exterminator!! Hey, it could happen!! 
Written April 6th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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Thanks, DawnBaby...it was fun to write. Glad you sang along
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Excellent
Unfortunately I do remember West Side Story, but it sure helps to enjoy the poetic genius of this piece. Impressive, I especially enjoyed the Officer Krumke piece, very funny. Thanks for a great read! -
Thank you, Andy, for finding it, er, weird...high praise indeed! I appreciate the welcome...
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Wierd. Welcome to the group, but as you say, you don't need a collaborator. None of us do, but we collaborate because we enjoy it; those who actually do. The way I do it, is pick someone and invite them to write a song with me. Sometimes I offer a start or an idea. Anyway, choose anyone you think is willing, and write.
Andy -
You write it, I'll pitch it. I do live in Burbank, where Pixar Studios is located, you know! (Hint, hint.)
Mark
P.S. I'm not kidding!
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DOn't need a co-writer, Mark, but I could sure use a business manager! Marketing is not my specialty...I just like to write. That;s why I'm afraid rich is not in my future (unlesss one of these lottery tickets come in). A screenplay would be fun...something sardonic about giving bugs a "screen" test!
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hehe...thank you, miss. The best I can hope for is to bring a smile and I'm very pleased I could do it for you. Sing it to the world!!!
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Thank you, Tonya. Actually we have something in common. you married the man of your dreams and I married the woman of my nightmares!! Glad you enjoyed my little bit of fun.
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I agree, Lassy - and I have housewives who will verify it! It's a wonderful life....
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You MUST pitch this to Pixar. It could be a great follow-up to A Bug's Life and Ants. Seriously. In fact, this is the kind of thing that is too good and marketable to post here in case someone swipes it and makes a million. I would seriously think about expanding this into a screenplay if I was you. It's about time somebody around here got rich. (Let me know if you need a co-writer. I'll settle for 20%. lol)
Mark -
A+++
AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHG! That is THE funniest thing I've come across in a LONG time!!! I tried to sing the songs to my sisiter (and there's an excellent chance I'll be plaguing my fellow students at school and other happless family members) but I had difficulty in making myself intelligible becaus I was laughing far, far too hard.
Superb job on the meter matching, word replacements, and content matter. Appropriate words to express my admiration and excessive mirth caused by reading/singing this operetta would totally fail... just... WOW!! -
LOL. LOL. LOL. This is so cute and very funny. I can actually see this all going on. This is a very unqiue and great way to write. It a mix between a story and a poem. Great imagery also. I have never laughed so hard in my life. You have a talent for sure. Keep it up!
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And the ants go marching one by one....! I am rather fascinated with their industry, but do wish they'd take their business elsewhere. This was clever and fun. Making the words fit music must have taken some time. Having a bug man in the neighborhood may very well make for less desperate housewives!
Thank you for the laughter. K.
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Sure you can be MY dork if you want
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No bugs? Obviously you don't live in Florida! Glad you were amused and pleased, good sir
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Thank you, raspberry! I agree....smiles are good sometimes - ok, ALL the time!
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Thank you, DJ! Glad you and your hubby got a smile out of it....bug-killin' isn't always fun and games (but, in this case, it is!
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Nice to have you in stitches, Di! Don Quixote? hmmmmm. That has great possibilities...to kill the unkillable bug!!!
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Now there's am offer that would be much to ummm... hard to refuse!
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Kimberly....let my spray make your day! Yep, way too many chemicals....
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catz, I'm always available for varmint service - either killin' one or being one!
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Bonnie, sounds to me like you need a bugman for sure!! Did I mention I make mouse calls? Thank you for the Beetles...
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Lyrical, I saw it playing the very same way! Great minds think alike, for sure. Thank you
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skinning the beauty and stretching it over a creature....is there any higher praise in existence??? Love the reply - thank you!
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hehe...I AM the bugman! Glad you liked it
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I don't mind being a dork, fluttaby, as long as I'm YOUR dork!
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Always happy to meet a fellow kindred spirit!! Thank you, suseann..
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Thanks, first aid! I'll keep writing....hope you keep reading!
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Hi, becca! Yep, I've been called eccentric before...I like it! Glad you and your mom enjoyed it..
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This sounds like my kind of bugman, Michael
I love the levity in this, sure makes the thought of those little scavangers a little less eeekish!! And you did it with dignity and respect for the professional bugman...I bet you could get all kinds of varmit service for this ...lol
A funny, funny write
Dee
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You is the Bugman for sure, for sure. Can I please, pretty please borrow your bug-spray cause I live in Spider Heaven.
I have spiders as big as the house. They live in the corner and under the door.Spider Heaven I do live. Oh! BugMan ...Oh! BugMan. Get rid of the spiders, and BIGGGGGGGGGG Rats,ants, snakes.Come to think of it I think I live in Varmint Heaven.
You are so clever Mr. BugMan. I know you can help.
But for now I will give you applause for your songs you shared with us at AP.
Song from the Beatles......
You're The BugMan Yeah,yeah,yeah, yeah.
Hugs BonBon -
What a wonderful imagination you have This was great. I could see the whole thing playing in my mind just like a movie. I kind of had it pictured like Roger Rabbit, ya know with the humans as real life and the bugs, rats, etc. as cartoons Very very cool. I would love to see this playing on the big screen.
~Lyrical
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three thumbs up
amazing amazing amazing... you have done a FANTASTIC job of skinning the beauty off of the original songs and stretching it over a creature you've masterminded.
kudos and lauds upon you.
I LOVE IT!
Edited on Apr 07, 1:33 because ''. -
This is sooooooooo funny .... brought memories of me acting in a West Side Story performance nice to see a comical side to my favourite movie and play ...... great job
Tom -
Imaginative
Wow. I'm just not sure what to say...besides the language, this was amusing, of course. I wondered if you were the bugman typing away on break, the way you wrote it...very creative, indeed. -
fantabulous
West Side Story the way it should of been. lol
you're a very creative and talented writer. Keep it up!
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Oh you crack me up! Seriously you're a dork But in a good way. I love the tunes and the songs. They made me laugh, and I needed one today. So thank you
Shari -
tricky talent
A kindred spirit of mine ,are you.THESE ARE FANTASTIC.You sooooooooo funny.~~~~Suseann -
Great poem i love it!!! I like the text color and background color you chosed also!!! its a really nice poem good luck with your other poems in the future... Keepon writeing Really nice style and I also like the title, over all its a great write....
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GREAT
OMG I have to stop laughing. This was great. If only we had more poems like this. I have to say this is a different way to write but I had to read it over and over again and I finally woke my mom up because I was laughing then she read it and she laughed. We have both seen West Side Story so we could just imagine this happening. Great job I Loved it. I must say this is an eccentric poem and you are an ecentric poet. I am sorry I know I have said this already but this is GREAT. I will leave it as that and give you an applause.
becca -
lol this was funny....it was...well...different! great job and keep it up!
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This was a wonderful write.. infact quiete diffrent and a diversed approach..
i appreciate this.. its so good to have such works on AP.. and keep posting more.. and let AP be rolling with such good new entries..
Hope u have a great day
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"Mauv-elous dah-ling!!"
That was the most hilarious thing I've read in my life!!! LMAO. ROTFL... I even had to read it to my hubby, who cracked up laughing before we even got to the songs and the answering machine!!!!
Bravo on the funniest $hit, yet (and I don't usually curse... this is big!!)
Great imagery... I could picture, through the song, the houses you were exterminating!!! Cudos on the humor... Once again LMAO!!! LOL
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You had me in stiches at 7 in the morning now that is quite a feat as, I get up at 5 and until 8 at least I am not even human, to make me laugh at this hour you desese a medal, great my friend this would make a great sketch for a tv show, brilliant , what's next Don Qiote? would love to see that one ,I am sure you would do a great job, great fun my friend, need one like this every morning, hugs Di
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Well this is funny. I have to give you that. Then again, why can't people leave poor Bill alone? Anyway, you succeeded in your mission to amuse and please. Fortunately, I have no bugs so I don't have to depend on anybody's whims to get the house cleared of them. Good job.
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LMAO! wow that was great i loved your first similie right of the bat you had me laughing. great job you remind me of dale from "king of the hill" if you have ever seen it.
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A pefect commercial for Mug-A-Bug! :-)
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Okay Sweetie... hand over the can! I think you have been sniffing w-a-a-a-a-y to many fumes for far too long! Oh my greatness Balladeer, this is so funny. Me thinks you have way too much free time though and you should be spraying... ummm... well, hmmm... thanks for the giggles and the great read as alwaYS. It certainly is a pleasure to see you writing again!
♥ Kimberly
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