her lips her red
her eyes were dark
she walked around the tree
scratching at the bark
the moon was out
casting its light
the stars were shining
she was amazed by their height
The Forrest was quiet
interrupted now and then
an animal cried out
flying ahead was a raven
its cry was piercing
the sound was loud
the low fog
covered like a shroud
she looked up and screamed
a demon diving
he sucked her life
it itself was just reviving
Author notes
Again I was in a wierd mood. I hopew you enjoy.
Written April 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I personally don't see a need for you to add more. Maybe to correct the spelling of Forest, but that's all. Good poem, very good poem. Oh, and I'm poetically inclined more so than most people. Heh. And I see Paige, that you have talent, very much talent. Keep writing, and you'll get somewhere. Write a few more poems, and maybe a book or two. Oh, and Paige, if you're interested in looking at more of my Poetry, head to Poetry.com, and look under the author name of "Andy Sill". Well anyway, let me head out.
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Great job paige. Oh and yeah I've got the same critique as Ceilinh. Don't forget to fix that. Oh and huh maybe I'm not you know as poetically inclined as these people but I got that she died and I don't frankly see any reason for you to add more. But like I said I'm not really poetically inclined so yeah...great job. I liked it.
~later~ -
Quite an interesting write- I can tell that you were in a weird mood!
I see you've said you're going to write more on this, so I'll have to check back on it later. In the mean time, in the first line, did you mean for it to read as
"her lips 'were' red"? As you have it now, the word 'her' appears twice.
Anyhow, overall, I like this poem- very vivid and dark!
Edited on Apr 05, 8:29 p.m. because ''. -
Then get to it! Your poem confused my poor little brain!(LOL)
Anyway, you welcome. I know how frustrating it is when people don't tell you what you should fix. -
Yea she died. I plan to add more, you know to add upon this and elobarate. thank you so much for reading this. And for once people actually tell me things to fix. SO thank you so much.
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6 out of ten
I kind of like this poem,but I didn't get the end. Did she die? Did the demon/raven thing kill her? I also thought that you did put a good amount of imagery into this poem and you made the reader(me)see the forest and the moonlight but I also thought that you could have made it longer as in you should have explained the girls death/randomly screaming more.
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