My Struggle

I don’t want to get back up.
I’m tired of maintaining this front.
Unable to cry, I toss and turn at every noise from outside.

Where did I go wrong?
What did I not say?
Song after song…it all feels the same.
Deep down I know I’m not to blame.
Why am I afraid, so many things to attempt to explain?
In the end I’m still ashamed.

A part of me is sad.
Sad for the part of me that died.
The half of me that ended that night,
I’m not ready to say that I couldn’t have changed a thing.
That just isn’t me.

Why can’t I bring myself to stay mad?
Caught in a daze…I don’t even want to understand.
I want out. All I want is to escape.
If I can’t forgive myself how will I ever change?
No matter where I am…I don’t feel safe.

Where did I go wrong?
What did I not say?
I see me playing the blame game.
In my mind it all sounds the same.
Over and over, the results never change.
Why am I questioning myself?
I never win…in the end I’m left with feelings I wish I’d never felt.