Smoke curling, leaving spirals
corkscrewing towards the
open window; Half empty
glass with blood red remains
clinging with dexterity to the
crystal,shattered by clumsiness
..not high C#; Art work littered
across the floor , disheveled
abandoned and unloved;
Time ticks away with a rapid
pulse,no time left..only dreams
of perfection ever illusive;
Clutching at charcoal with renewed
fervour, smudge filled fingers fly
across the surface of pristine
parchment, searching out the
inner quality that hides, only
showing its face to tease and tempt
then moving back into the shadows;
Frenzied strokes slow to a falter, a
stop...smock and easel abandoned
to the lure of nicotine and red wine.
Author notes
Written March 30th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites by Araya Sunshine.
300 points, ended September 9, 2005, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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You are very welcome
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This flows very well. Thanks for entering.
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Thank you John, I am delighted that it brought back memories. I often drift into times gone by to reflect. Most pleasurable experience
. Many thanks for your comments, they are appreciated 
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excellent
Beautifully done. An excellent read that brought me back to the many readings of Paris and the driven, starving artists.
Lovely.
thanks,
John -
Thank you, I have corrected the spelling mistakes, but not the punctuation.
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May I rectify the punctuation?
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A Note About Changing Your Poem During The Contest: There has been a slight change to this rule. Now you are welcome to fix spelling mistakes, if their are only a few, like five or so, but if the entire poem has horrible spelling don't bother. And you may fix a maximum of five or so words, but if we notice that you have changed entire parts or stanzas or the whole poem you will still be disqualified. You may add images or add bold and italics to your piece, but no more changes than what has been said prior.
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Yep..that just about sums me up
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No. You are competely correct. It was my error in both instances. Many thanks for your corrections
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I am sorry you feel this way
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I thank you for your precise comment. Sadly too often the comments one gets are not constructive. The reason I don't punctuate is because I cannot and never could. I am working on this as I know what you say is true. I type as I take breath and the "..." are when I catch my breath. My apologies.
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I have to agree with Kryspin in saying that I like the maturity of this piece. It reads like an inner monologue, in a way; like a train of thought. It is a nice observance on life. I do believe that babybird is right in saying that the poem is overpunctuated, though. Ellipses (...) are tricky things. They often make poems feel cliched. The way I interpret your use of them in here is a transition from one thought to another, but I think they're overused. Sometimes line breaks help for separation of thoughts, and sometimes simpler punctuation, like commas. Depending on the kind of feel you want to give your poem, you might have a choppy transition by just jumping in, or you might find some way of flowing smoothly from one thought to another, but here it just seems like you don't have much transition from thought to thought at all.
Your word use appeals to the senses, which I can always appreciate. You utilize every sense, and really let us delve into the experience you're narrating. I like that. It helps us experience it the way you did.
Thanks for entering
Arien Silverleaf -
I thought I would see other peoples prewrites and comment! I like the imagery, and the thought of a drunk nicotine addicted artist, slaving away in a total mess, it is a fast paced poem and leaves you without a moment, kind of like an artists mind!
Good luck!
Lakota x -
Thank you for your kind comments, they are appreciated
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I liked the mature feel of this write and the imagery was reminiscent of old picture shows in black and white. I can imagine the narrative with smooth elegance
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...yes I guess creepy is good Thanks for your kind words
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Thank you Erin, delighted that you enjoyed it
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Thank you so much for your kind comments
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"Smoke curling.... leaving spirals
corkscrewing towards the
open window... half empty
glass with blood red remains
clinging with dexterity to the
crystal"<< i like that part. It's different, it puts an image in my mind.. sort of creepy. But creepy is good.
alexandraaa -
Such imagery, such description that I am memorized by your words. So intoxicating. I am dripping with inspriation. Thank you for your piece.
luv
Erin -
I love it. its utterly saddening yet throuroughly enjoyable. congrats on good wrok
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Thank you Shelly I appreciate your comments
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That was a different perspective to take it from. This has inspired me to write in a different way also. Thanks for sharing. Take Care
--Shelly
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Yes we are a complex breed I think I am delighted that you enjoyed this poem..sometimes when work is not going too well these snippets seem to flow...this was one such occasion. I appreciate the time you spent writing this comment, it is appreciated
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Hauntingly Wonderful
So seductivly sweet.
Red wine, in cracked glass.. wow I really love the imagery in this! Artist, they have the hardest job of all sometimes. Trying to find something to inspire that ONE perfect artform.. that one perfect painting.
I enjoyed this on so many levels! I am an artist also, I paint and do several other things.. it's so hard to find something that looks right that you think would make something great.. it also seems so sad.. like you're talking about life, and how it's never really done.. everything is left unfinished.
The reader really gets so many things out of this poem, it's very stirring. -
Glad you enjoyed it Many thanks for the applause
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Please feel free If lucky you might find me in a pensive mood, if not you will find a whimsey "Fluidity" would work well I have to agree but "dexterity" draws the reader to the fact that even though the glass is empty it still shows the wine stain ( stubborn as you know if trying to clean it from a carpet ) Many thanks for your comments, they are very much appreciated
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Nicely done. Drippping with imagery. How amazing the lure of red wine and other intoxications.
I might have chosen something such as fluidity versus "dexterity" in describing the wine in the glass. I just think dexterity shifts many minds to think of the movement of limbs or fingers. Though, I can see where one could mold this word into that context and it does have a certain kind of amicable feel to it also.
Overall, a nice write. I'll have to make a point of coming back to your stuff another time and see where the atmosphere leads me.
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nice job! I love it!
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Thank you for your comments, they made me re-read this poem to see the final two lines and it does "smack" of some demon lurking behind the canvas ...not intended I assure you Just frustration of things not going smoothly .
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Thank you my friend...as always such wonderful comments I do appreciate your kindness
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Thank you for your kind comments
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Thank you my friend Glad you enjoyed this one
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Catchy title, "Tobacco & Red Wine"; more than suggests a poem out of the ordinary...and quite assuredly so. I enjoyed this poem for its originality, more-so than anything. While you did have your fair share of intense line (I espacially tuned in to the last two), I smile at the fact that this poem is unlike any I have read so far, not like one I could conjure myself. Originality, most definitely the key to powerful poetry.
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Ohhh, what a lure. Intoxicating in it's leading you towards that quite delirious path. As usual, your poem is amazing. You have the ability to speak so much with such small phrases.
"not high C#...art work littered" or "searching out the
inner quality that hides"...such powerful phrases to stuck out to me
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REally nicei like it alot
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Excellent!
You can pen on just about anything, a may I say, you pen it well sweet soul! You rock, and so does the imagery in this piece!
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver
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Many thanks for your kindness
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I think this was a great idea, and you used it well into a poem, great job here, and Thanks for sharing, keep up the awesome work sweetie!
-Lil Tim
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Aw... thanks for the applause Glad to hear your art is going to return...one should never ignore the talents we have been given...some call it a blessing...others a curse Me...I just daub and sketch but it is an outlet of which I am very grateful.
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Well no duh!!!? LOL Thank you if only I would have thought a little further, I would have understood it. Sorry
I have a migraine and I am no in all five sense okay.
I really like the use Of C# in here, it is rather unique!!! Sometimes our hearts are this way, sometimes our heads, sometimes our homes, but every good artist knows perfection unattainable, yet how we seek it LOL
Take care,
decaf
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How I would love and African Grey....I love my birds but have always hankered after a Grey for many years...Here they would cost nearly a morgage...so we just have the two cockatils and two budgies. I did get bitten last week when I had o seperate the two tils as they were fighting but they soon forget their anger and start chatting again, so I think they forgave me Glad you liked this, many thanks
Edited on Mar 31, 4:14 p.m. because 'cuz'. -
The addiction is in the art, smoking and partaking of a fine glass of red wine....mingled sometimes results in perfection sometimes not.....yesterday was the latter hence the litter of screwed up masterpieces Thanks for your comments as always very much appreciated
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Thank you Buchan....this is what happens when the "muse" returns from holidays no more the frivolity...just graft and frustration Thanks for your comments, they are always appreciated
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Brilliant, I paint too, had an exabition many years ago, then because of an ex that robbed my anima I stopped painting, but I am giving it another thought,lovely lovely poem, you know the cigs and a good class of wine are tempting, when I am writing I smoke too much, out of free applauses but who cares will pay for this one too good not to, brilliant my friend, hugs Di
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..In this modern day of healthy eating etc tobacco takes a very poor back seat, but having indulged for the past 30 years I am not about to stop... The chaser I will pass on but thanks
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excellent
What a real poem so well expressed. Poem flows with memories and a deep understanding.. Very well written and thank you for sharing.. Your poem presented a very good picture; -
Sounds like a frantic balance between good and evil Great imagery here Lynne. Loved this piece. I would say more but I have an African Grey biting my fingers as I type so I guess I should go put him back on his cage
Wonderful write hon.
~Lyrical
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Oh!!!
If only I could understand everything you meant behind this?! I really was intrigued by the title LOL I am no drinker or smoker, but the title usually has symbolism and I was wondering of what addiction you pondered.
"Smoke curling.... leaving spirals
corkscrewing towards the
open window... half empty
glass with blood red remains
clinging with dexterity to the
crystal...shattered by clumsiness
..not high C#...art work littered
across the floor ....dishevelled
abandoned and unloved...."
I am no sure what you meant here except for maybe the literal ponters LOL, but I enjoyed the reading and the really cool format.
Take care,
decaf
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Artful
Yes I know,hooked too.Art can't happen minus a cig.Know to create you are suppose to suffer.But I'll take my pain with a cig and chaser.Fantastic fluid
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