Hearing her name takes away my breath
when it's uttered from your lips.
I feel her touch lingering upon your skin
beneath my fingertips.
I reverently kneel to caress and explore
that temple once worshipped,
that once I adored,
the body, the blood, the communion gone sour:
I dare not taste the wine.
I watched you making love to her
last night while you slept.
Like a voyeur, unable to look away,
mesmerized, I wept.
The impassioned expression, pursed mouth, arched pose
that once brought desire,
now brings to a close
this verse, this chapter, this story of ours:
The Good Book of "When You were Mine".
Author notes
Written March 23rd, 2005
A contest entry
- The Cheaters Club by alaskanamber.
450 points, ended February 14, 2008, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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This is a wonderful poem. Full of great imagery and symbolism. I like how you compare the relationship to the good book. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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I do love this piece. I bookmarked it a long time ago, but never commented... *sigh*
I just love it, really.
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wow this is powerful... stunning imagery, all-around great write!
-natalie -
wow
Wow ... how a-maze-ing-ly sad. The personification in this poem was very moving ... very good job and it is very easy to feel your pain your word usage in wonderful all i can say is that was A-MAZE-ING
_love_kait(lyn) -
HEH! This is very sad but beautifully done. I feel so bad when I read this. It is so very good though. Great job.
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wow those are some deep words put together to make an amazing piece of work. I am sorry that things happened that way and i hope that you are doing ok. if you ever need someone to talk to i'm always here for anyone that needs me. you have an amazing piece of art here, thank you for sharing your words
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Brilliant
The intensity of your longing is resounded in each word like the pain is spilling over onto the page with nothing but language to contain it. I have felt and shared this pain with you...as well as many others like us. There seems to be no malice in your words, only regret and sorrow. Almost impossible to let go of that one person you feel so very strongly for.
-Shae Lynn- -
oh wow loike this piece really well written
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This is truly a deep and passionate piece. Pain can be the strongest emotion, and yet so close to anger... Here you have not crossed that line, which makes the poem that much more powerful and striking to the viewing audience. Well done. Bravo.
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...Wow. The pain expessed in this poem is... wow. The feeling of love defiled by memories of another is one of the worst kinds of pain. I wish I could say I couldn't relate... I hope you aren't going through this now. You are an amazing poet. The descrpitions are exquisite and the form is very original.
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Oh wow. This is so deep, so intense, so sad, tragically beautiful...so full of emotion! So much can some out of so much pain. Keep penning, friend. It gets better!
~Elsie -
very intense
wow this is intense very intense full of pain and perhaps longing as well very powerful the pen...or pencil is your weapon of choice and it suits you. -
so deep
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This is sad. But I must say I love it. You commented on my poem telling me how wonderful it was. But let me be the first to say BRAVO. I love this. You truely know how to make some one feel your pain. I sure did. I know what this is like trust me.
Bravo and Blessed Be,
Kayla Lynn
Edited on Mar 24, 6:39 p.m. because ''. -
This is so terribly sad. I really hope this isn't true. I love the language. Interesting how it is steady, but with fragile words, because the subject is so delacate. beautiful poem
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wow! so deep. you sure caught the moment. i'm sorry if this really happened to you. what i think you could've done better is made it longer and get more into huge details about how you felt. it is very passionate and oh my gosh, so so good. Awesome work! I loved it!
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Wow. That's all I can say. Wow.
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yes, well written, and a unique thought .... and to be honest, this has the work of a great poem once the "all too many times" voice could be blended into more originality ... just my opinion, much enjoyed this, honestly ........
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Oh, this is masterful! The title and your images caught my eye. Your images astound. To have that which we worship be defiled, in a way as to lose our world, sets my head to spin. What is so powerful is the sense of adoration for your object of worship and all she embodies.
"I reverently kneel to caress and explore that temple once worshipped," I see smooth skin that you know every inch of.
"the communion gone sour:I dare not taste the wine." I will not share what I see here.
My favorite lines:
"I feel her touch lingering upon your skin
beneath my fingertips."
Yes dear poet that is outstanding. I can see you tracing her skin with your fingers aware of those that have been there before.
In all a powerful write! Bravo! -
I can relate to all the feelings of betrayal you have put into this write.How awful to find out , as I did, that my partner was lying next to me and dreaming of all of his other lovers..and believe me..there were many! Great write! Linda
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How sad. That would be a hard thing to deal with. What a sad, but wonderful write. Keep up the good work.
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WOW!I like this, it kinda hit me hard I think I took it inot my own persepctive and made it fit in my own way, but it was great!
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ok there os one word to describe this completely....beautiful..this was so awesome and the final line just emphasised the whole poem....excellent write xxxxxxxx
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wow this is onepowerful piece, i ralte completely to what u are trying to say. This piece is beatifull and vivid in its imagery.. Great job!!!!
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My, my 'TooRainbow' this is such a creative write. For myself, I can relate to your feelings/emotions/logic and also the metaphor you use to impart your message. Magic! - Thank you - you have my applause.
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whoa...i hope thats not true...is it? so deep and moving, wow applauses applauses!!
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I really liked this! Its was sophisticated and cleaver and you said it all with an economy of words, which means that the words that you did use became so much more powerful. Often hart felt poetry can tend to drag on but this has a start a middle and a simple but effective close, well written.
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Wow! That was amazing. I really enjoyed reading this. It flowed very well and just pulled me into it. Great job! I loved it! Your writes are so mesmerizing, I'm just astonished. Wow!
hugs
Jess -
This was so sad, but I think that it was excellently written. Keep up the good writing skills and congratulations on such a great write. I also wish you the best of luck on other pieces of poetry that you might decide to write in the near future. Good job on the poem.
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good
very deep indeed.. so poetic and i can feel it.. the flow of your words is so desirable.. hmm.
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Excellant
Well this what they call a rude awakening and yes when one worships a man like that and they betray you. The church is not holy any longer. A very powerful expression of betrayal. -
haunting
How wonderful. It's disturbing and sad. Nice work. -
This is really beautiful. I'm bookmarking it. I really love it. Wow, I really don't know what else to say, but it's great. Keep up the great work!
God bless you,
~~~~~
Erika ~~~~~
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I don't get this poem???
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Wow, very powerful. Your words strike a chord, I think you really drove this one home. The last line, really stuck with me and it's just a very good poem overall.
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Outstanding .. heres some applause
~Aimee
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I'm sorry to hear about this. I love the form of this poem, though. Very well written, well done. I really liked all the imagery through the Church. A very interesting write.
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Beautiful
Very good, and definitely artistic. You draw the reader in from the first and allow them to experience it with you through the powerful language, then end it just as powerfully with its hypnotic rhythm. I'll look for more from you. -
wow this was really good i really liked the last verse
with the whole good book thing
sad no doubt but i like hpw you wrote it yeno?
yeah -
Beautiful write...
thats all i can simply say -
Horrible to hear, but well done. This is filled with some very strong emotion and interesting imagery. I'm sorry to hear the story told, but glad to have experienced the poetry around it. Keep writing.
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Very beautifully done. I think I will be looking for more great things from you.
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good work
hmm, interesting piece of work here. the background goes perfectly with the title. good work!
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