far away dimming
lonesome sun melts quietly
on the horizon
birds fall into reverie
only a still breeze whispers
Author notes
just revised this old tanka that was hiding in one of my nearly abandoned file trees.
Written November 24th, 2001
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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ahh a refreshing and lovely write with sincere beauty and emotion..a pleasure to read...well done
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vivid!
I have come to know many sunsets of this nature...and I use to say that words or a painting could never illustrate the beauty of them.....but I have to say....you got real close with this one.....vivid write!
KAY
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birds fall into reverie
Ikes! Eating this up. I think I disagree with ssmee. I know that 'breeze' brings the idea of movement, but a 'still breeze' brings forth the idea of a soft peace (in my eyes).
Enjoyed your choice of personification (the sun 'melting'). Do you think you could share the talent? You seem to be hogging it all!
Upon conclusion of reading several of your pieces, I've a much deeper respect for you as a poet. I don't think the word 'poet' fits you well... Something more like: a tamer of words.
There's something about your work that makes me long for the day to end. It sheds us of our ficcades and leaves us aching for more. There's an overtone in Frost's work that leaves me in a sort of dazed state. The sort of state that only lasts long enough to slip away. You share that quality... And that is something I don't see much of anymore.
A pleasure
- Claide -
pleasing!!!!
ahan
I got this perfectly
atlas I understood this one correctly
I liked when u say"still breeze whispers"
hmm that was one was pleasant
but could you tell me why"lonesome" sun?
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This reminds me of a warm summer night sitting down by the lake watching as the sun just ever so lightly begins to kiss the water as it sets. The sky is filled with beautiful hues from crimson red to light pink and purple and even the birds are in awe of such a beautiful sight. The line "only a still breeze whispers" is a little distrating for me because a breeze can not be still, calm maybe but to me a still breeze kind of distracts from the picture and the feeling I get from this. Of course thats just me I am by no means a great poet like you are thats for sure, however when a piece such as this paints such a beautiful picture I would love to be able to feel the breeze as it whispers. Great Poem you have here
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I'm really enjoying your toying with tankas. Quite a break from the more complex forms. Not to say that a tanka isn't complex. The imagery you put across in your words is breathtaking. I just love these images, "sun melts quietly" and "still breeze whispers" Tanka baby.
Maab -
Basically perfect. Wonderful work.
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The serenity of the scene you paint is amazing. I enjoy that hush that takes place right at sundown too. It is a peacefulness that is hard for some to describe, but this poem shows it is quite easy for you.
Well done,
Del -
I liked this one. The kaminshu builds the scenary, the pivot works very well connecting the kaminshu and shimonoku. I can read each of the three lines (upper verse + pivot; lower verse + pivot) apart, and yet they make this poem read as one piece.
The content is soothing and well dscribed.
Very well done with this tanka!
Kisses,
Mari
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