THAT”S IT!
I CAN”T STAND IT ANY MORE!
I went to the pawn shop
to pawn my peg leg,
and GUESS WHAT-
THERE IS A LAW AGAINST IT!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
It's against the law to pawn my pegleg!
How could that be?
What out-of-his-mind politician
would do such a thing
to us poor, down and out,
drunken pegleggers?!
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
'Oh, my pegleg for a bottle of cheap wine...'
What was it, like
‘Oh, re-elect ME,
I made progress while in office-
pegleggers can’t pawn their peglegs anymore!
Mua-ha-ha-ha!’
Monster!
Ah, BUT ME!
That is not the end of my misery...
I received a citation for
'wearing a fake moustache in church that caused laughter'.
I was fined for
'playing Dominoes on Sunday'…
and double fined for
'flicking boogers in the wind'.
All true laws, let me warn you now!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!
Yes, some politico
I probably voted for
stood up in
my House of Representatives,
cleared his throat, and belched,
‘I propose a law
that prohibits flicking boogers into the wind’!
and they all CHEERED,
‘Yeah,
GENIUS! Reelect that man!’
I will admit the law
had the honorable intention
of protecting me from myself!
But when I drove the wrong way
down a one-way street
the police could not touch me!
Why?
Because I
'had a lantern attached to the front of my automobile
while driving the wrong way down a one-way street'!
Wheeeeeeeeee!
But when they did stop me,
I was arrested for
'having an ice cream cone in my back pocket'!
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Real laws! Real politicians! Real people!
Real induced psychosis!
...'They're coming to take me away, ha ha!
They're coming to take me away
ho ho, hee hee, ha ha!
To the funny farm
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers
who twiddle their toes
and nice young men in clean white coats
They're coming to take me away,
ha-haaaaaaaaaa!'
Then I was arrested for
'selling salted peanuts in Lee County
after sundown on Wednesday'!
How was I supposed to know,
for crying out loud,
as I complained as they took my mugshot?
It is considered an offense to
'push a live moose out of a moving airplane'.
Now where does that leave all the other poor animals,
I ask you?!
I'll tell you! Pushed out of the airplane, that's where!
An unjust law if there ever was one!
And the kicker-
if I only knew this ahead of time,
I would not be in the mess I am in today-
'Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs'!
Geeeeeeeeeeze!
I should have known that-
then I would also have known that I'd be arrested for
'bowling on the sidewalk' and
'riding my bicycle in a swimming pool',
and that
'detonating my nuclear device within city limits
was a $500 fine'!
I called my politician over all of this,
and you know what he said?
Imagine that!
So I lost everything I had
and became a mugger
and benefited from the law
‘a person can only protect oneself
with the same weapon
that the other person possesses’!
Ah, I can hear them now,
‘Just a moment, Mr. Mugger,
while I pull out MY Smith and Wesson
Model 3913TSW
ambidextrous straight-backstrap-gripped
.305” combat-triggered
beadblast-stain finished
9mm sporty handgun
with the Elvis ivory handle...
I've got one in here somewhere...’
Gets them every time!
Did you know
‘Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses’?
Well it IS! It’s LAW!
It's a WONDERFUL LAW!
UTOPIA!
If I were to change ONE THING,
I would write an angst-filled piece
and post it on allpoetry.com
to repeal that pegleg law.
Then we would truly have Utopia.
Pegleg Utopia!
Today AP,
tomorrow, THE WORLD!
Vive la Revolution!
Post Script:
HEY! How did that get in here?
We must pass a new law!-
'No bouncing Ford thing-a-ma-jigglers
at the bottom of the page!'
Arrest that man!
Hey, that's me...
Gotta run!
Reelect meeeeee!
Post Post-Script for the Brainy:
So my elected representatives
pass law after law
in order to show us they ‘did something’
in order to get re-elected,
and we’re stuck with them!
(all the laws, that is,
(and come to think of it, the politicians, too!)
So rather than passing a few
broad, common-sense laws,
we have millions and millions
of minute-detail nightmares
dragging us down into the gutters
and making us all criminals-
because with so many laws,
it’s just a matter of statistical inevitability
that we’re breaking some law or other
just by getting out of bed!
The Romans said:
‘Ignorantia juris neminem excusat’
-Ignorance of the law excuses no one-
NO WAY that applies any more!
Not with these zillions of get-me-reelected laws on the books
that we voting pegleggers
have gotten ourselves into!
Gold trophy winner
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