The timing was absolutely crucial
The window of his opportunity
Was no more than thirty precious minutes,
From when the orderlies had cleaned her up
Until she soiled herself yet one more time.
The white coated cleansers finished their work
And the patient waited unsuspecting,
Not caring what her morning had in store.
An empty corridor bade him enter;
His pass key opened and closed the cell door;
She lay there for him uncomprehending;
Her dead staring eyes registered nothing.
As he pulled back the bedsheets from his prey
Silently he raised up her new nightie
Exposing her familiar fresh-washed cunt.
He smiled in anxious anticipation
Of the obscure pleasures which lay ahead.
Every minute counted in his planning;
Past practice signposted him to safety.
He removed his gown, laid it on the chair,
And quickly dropped his trousers to the floor;
Stiff cock in hand, he climbed up on the bed.
Ignoring tiny grunts of discomfort,
His fingers expertly parted her bush,
As on so many a past occasion.
Spit-lubricated he slid into her
And rode her silently and joylessly,
Careful not to make the bed squeak or creak.
It lasted five or six sweating minutes
And then he climaxed with a stifled gasp.
She said nothing, but then she never did
And he wiped himself, glancing at his watch,
Redressing, above reproach once again.
Back in the antiseptic corridor
A passing staff nurse asked respectfully
"How is the poor girl today, Professor?"
He answered "Sound asleep, let her rest, Nurse,
I doubt she'll be with us much longer now."
He walked briskly to his next appointment
Penis oozing a hopeful drip of sperm,
Anticipating the next consultation.
Author notes
I don't know why I bother with this but: “I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses. Put that in your author’s notes with your poem or fuck off."
PS: I haven't spelled out any moral message here, but merely observed. It's in iambic pentameters too.
For a gold prize winner click on button. For a little surprise go to www.allpoetry.com/1389955 .
Written on 21st March, 2005 and still as unpleasant today, two and a half years later.
In a list
A contest entry
- Erotica, Abuse or both by Dancing Rebel.
300 points, ended September 11, 2005, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hellish Brutality by hommie-t.
600 points, ended December 16, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING YOUR LITTLE HEART WISHES TO FOB OFF AS POETRY. by dp robertson.
700 points, ended February 11, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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I'm sorry.
Dreadfully sorry for sure.
Though, i can not take the time to read this. For it will be un fair to the other entries. You've not followed one rule.. Not even the MAIN guideline.
You haven't put your selection song or number in your authors notes..nor have you used one of the song titles as your own. (That being the MAIN thing in the CONTEST) I suppose later on i will take a glance at this and read it. Considering it's won some wonderful prizes. It must be good, though at this point in time, i'm sorry but you're DQ'd from the contest. No hard feelings. -
I know this, I read this yonks ago and can still remember it- I’m sure this is one of Edna’s and I am wondering why it wouldn’t have won gold by now. What can I say, it’s a great piece of scathing social comment and a must read. Certainly not a pleasant read but definitely a must read.
David
PS I have read pieces in this comp I have forgotten five seconds later...but years later, this one sticks -
It's not in imabic pentameter, though. An iamb is a slack syllable followed by a stressed syllable. Iambic pentameter means that you have five iambs in a line for a total of ten syllables per line.
I read your piece of crap. I think it sucks.
is iambic pentameter.
P.S. I'm not passing a moral judgement here, it's a literary comment, and just my opinion...feh. Sad to say, it's a lot better than most of the other stuff I've read today.
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Smart ass. I am aware what iambic pentameters are. I just thought I'd say that to impress people. Forget the the iambic bit. Stick to 10 syllables a line. Anyway, who cares a fuck?
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I don't know why I bother with this, but...and I quote:
"But I doubt she'll be with us for longer now."
is eleven syllables, you can't count either, sorry. I'll let you look for the other lines that also aren't 10 syllables. That is, if you care to still try to impress anybody with your bad self.
And as for who cares a fuck, well, poets do.
P.S. Your "white-coated cleansers" in the first strophe just cracks me up. As for me being a smart-ass, guilty as charged, but you make it so damn easy. -
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Thank you for counting up the syllables. You must have a busy life. I am happy to employ you are proof reader and I shall donate you 1 point. give/1
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Congratulations on your H.M.
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dude that is awesome! amazing writing!
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Shag off. But thanks anyway for your praise. Why not read some more of my lovely poetry? Are you gay?
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this was a great write..the flow was very smooth and the ending was powerful..your words were powerful and made me stop and think...you are a very talented author keep writting and good luck in the contest
~Chrissy~ -
This left me feeling cold, am sure this goes on quite a lot too. There are some very wicked people around, this kind of stuff is usually just swept under the carpet. Good poem, and good on you for giving this nasty subject a public airing.
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well, I see again this has won a trophy.
But I enjoyed the write- very disturbing.
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Thank you for my little silver cup.
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This is disturbing to say the least but brilliantly writte you left me speechless! Never have i seen a poem likethis!
excellent write well donea nd good luck in the contest -
this reminds me of the movie gothika...when that girl is raped by the cop who works in the mental hospital. the situation you write about is very similar to it. extremely disturbing and demented, and i must say i'm impressed. well written piece and good luck in the contest!
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ummmmmmmmmm...this kinda left me wordless, he is either raping a senile old woman, or he has sex w/ dead people. Interesting read nonetheless, good creativity and good luck in the contest!
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nice poem, i just hope to see more.
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GASP!!! THE HORROR!!! HOW APPALLING!!!
Just kidding. Good write with a unique matter-of-fact style that parallels the cold resolve of your villian. Perhaps the most striking aspect of this poem is the undoubtful truth that it has happened many times before in different guises.
It made me disgusted and then attentive to the vast ranges of decency and wickedness that our race is capable of.
Good write and good luck.
Edited on Jul 19, 3:22 p.m. because 'I'm obsessive-compulsive that way...'. -
We don't talk about Uncle Bert.
~*~Kat C~*~ -
Yeah, but I don't do that anymore...I swear!
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That's very sweet of you. Are you by any chance related to Bert Cobain, the well-known Swiss public hangman?
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You are like no other writer on this site and I commend you for it. How you can consistently shock readers with every poem is beyond me.
This was well-written and eye-opening.
A pleasure, as usual.
~*~Kat C~*~ -
Dear SimpleSarcasm: It's called ART. I am an artist. I love SEX and ART, preferably together, in the same orgy.
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You know what Edna...you make me speechless. I just don't know what to say about what goes through that mind of yours. You tell a great story but MY GOODNESS the subject matter.
~Dee
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now this was a cool poem....i really liked it alot.....thank you so much for entering my contest because this is real...this is awesome...your very talented...keep up the awesome work and good luck in my contest
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Sad to be certain. Sad to me is that so many similar patients are forgotten by family and more or less ignored by staff. No one seems to have time to try, time to make an effort. Maybe there is still something remaining to respond to kindness and attention.
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this is a repost? i have read it before ...
you have SOME imagination...
a good write yet again -
I don't see how people can be too horribly offended at this piece. While the content is disturbing, I agree with the others that you weren't graphic. You were very matter of fact.
Although, I have to admit, it may have been a better piece if you had been more graphic, but then, this piece might never have been seen longer than just a couple of seconds!
I enjoy reading your work. Keep on entertaining us! -
that ya did !! but then.....i'm a sappyass softie, and cry at kleenex commercials, so i don't know if it matters that ya sickened me
always has a soft spot for sick fucks though, what does that say about me???? 
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Wow! I nauseated someone!
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while i walked away from this piece nauseated and disturbed, i absolutely love it. i appreciated the lack of extreme graphic depictions, yet i'll probably have nightmares about it for days......gotta agree with prince, you're a sick fuck...wish there were more of em out there and i'm looking forward to reading more of your work
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Dear Purdy
Thank you for your incredibly perceptive and intellectual comment. Let me guess: you're from California, right? -
interesting
well... -
My bad, in that I did not realize I'd seen this one already. For taking your points I applaud this, in hopes of atonement!
It's still humorous...
peace
doug
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You are a sick fuck. But then so am I. I just watched Kill Bill for the umpteenth time so I had images of that in my head. That and a great and disturbing Sam Kinison bit. Screw convention, poetry is what ever you want it to be. Stay sick, stay true.
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Dear BoBlue Kat: You're right, no one made any accusations of sexual misconduct against Shipman. Mind you, the complainants would have found this difficult, being dead at the time. Thanks for your intelligent comments.
Edited on Apr 05, 8:02 because 'typo'. -
I think good writing is about challenging others and the way they see the world and experience it. Personally I get fed up to the back teeth with most of the mundane drivel that gets posted on this site, and I admit, some of it is mine!
This piece was a breath of fresh air as far as originality goes. Yes it's subject matter is disturbing, and something that we would rather not have to think about. We live in our cosy little world, insulated from all the nasty horrible things that go on, and it is a shock to the system to learn the truth sometimes. That doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be said.
I don’t think that this was overly descriptive or vulgar just for the sake of sensationalism, and what makes it most disturbing for the reader is that we all know that this could and probably does happen so easily. As mentioned before with the case of Shipman (although I don’t recall any accusations of sexual misconduct being made against him) we are too eager to put our trust in those in positions of so-called authority, when it is often for that very reason that they have chosen that career, in order to manipulate and wield a certain amount of ‘power’.
Thank you for sharing this piece, it left me feeling very uneasy, which is far more satisfying than reading something and feeling nothing at all.
Kat -
Not "you're", but "your"! I am open to offers for the book.
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get real
I can't seem to get the point of these poems. Ithink poems are
supposed to be enjoyable. Poems that everybody can read. poems
are a beautiful thing. Where was you're mind. I don't think you're poems will ever be in a book. -
Incommunicably well written
I was deeply disturbed, to find myself realizing that this goes on in every day life. You've opened (this) reader's(')eyes and shown (me) them the horrible truth. It was a great write, I as I leave, I shan't discuss the theories of controversy and political correctness as those before me have. I shall leave you with this; You are very skilled and deserve more than what words can give you. Keep it up. Although it was disturbing, you wrote a very good story. -
Thankyou for your flattering words.
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Well, I usually find your posts to be quite humorous, and this is no exception. I'll leave the moral and ethical aspects to others, as they seem to be doing just fine with it, and it interests me not.
To me, this reminded me of the terry schiavo fiasco that finally ended today (or maybe will expand?), in that her shell was being raped by society for months now, if not years. The poor dear herself left us long ago...
At any rate, your talent and gift with words does come thru, as always.
Peace
doug
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Sorry if I got on my soapbox.
There are just a few things that get to me and people who think it's "indelicate" to talk about them always rub me the wrong way. They remind me of Sacrlett O'Hara..."I'll think about it tomorrow". Any way , I still think you did a great job. and I'm not so serious most of the time.
~~~POO~~~ -
Dear N-P: You're a bit over-serious, but right on! And I applauded your comment, so please read another of my little gems!
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The subject matter is sickening but all too true. Blunt? What about the people that perpetrate these horrid deeds? They are not blunt, they are SICK! Until society as a whole gets it's head out of the sand and starts making stands on issues like this, poor, innocent, helpless victims will continue to be hurt.Just remamber...it could be your mother, your sister, aunt, niece, or YOU someday. Would someone that exposed it then be too blunt?
~~~POO~~~ -
Dear Neon...... Thanks for an another intelligent comment; I am pissed off a bit at stupidity so it's nice to know not everyone is dumb!
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I've put it under adult again - I thought it already was actually - thanks for your intelligent comment. The piece is NOT in praise of its subject as well you know (although dumb people wouldn't) but think Shipman et al..........
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hm...
i don't like people saying it's bad because it's a contraversial subject, or they don't like it because "it's disgusting". i think that has nothing to do with the quality of poem, though, it can make something rather uncomfortable to read...
i'm not quite sure how i feel about this. the subject matter is disturbing, something i quite like, i feel it makes the reader more aware of the poem. so many are about the cliche, "i hate my life, just kill me." that it's nice to read something different.
i think the flow was kind of chunky, less like a poem than someone just telling a story, but i do like it.
and i like that you're not being delicate, that you're just writing it out. poems that make people squirm are often the best kind. i just think with some editing, maybe different word choices, it would sound better, have a nicer flow.
good job. -
I was in two minds to read this or not, ok you write well and that can never be under discussion, your word use and flow is perfect, your subject material shocks, but you want it to, yes this does happen in life ,but i wonder if you perhaps could have been a little more delicate with your writing of it?as was said should be under adult as it would be better there,
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Again - like other readers I'm not sure how I feel about this poem. You often write controversially - sometimes I really go for your poems, sometimes I don't. I can say that you are very talented, but that sometimes the subject matter is a little bit near the mark for me. I felt uncomfortable with this poem but at times it was difficult to decide whether you, the poet, were glorifying the actions or simply exposing them. In the end I came to the conclusion that this is a piece that is dripping with irony (as well as semen
) and therefore I am veering to the 'This is good' side of my mixed psyche. Subject matter still creeps me out, but that is what I feel you wanted from this poem - to make the masses a little more aware of the inherant corruptness in organisations.
If this comment is mad, bad or rambling please feel free to assume my brain has died after a weekend of showing my loving family around London, which has included visiting all of the tourist traps in peak holiday season. -
Frankness is OK! Some you like, some you don't! Your comment isn't dumb, and I agree the activities of the protagonist in my little piece show he has no redeeming qualities. I just didn't make my moral stance obvious. Kind regards and try again!
Edited on Mar 27, 1:03 p.m. because ''. -
nah
Sorry, but I can't say I found anything valuable in reading this. True, things happen every day somewhere in the world, but I'd rather not read about them on a site like this. I don't care if you call my comment dumb or not. As somebody else said, that only makes you look dumb. I have read a lot of your stuff and some of it is good, some of it isn't. This is disgusting and I don't see any redeeming qualities in it. -
Things like this do happen in lots of places. Male obgynes..yeah, you get the picture. I loved the disturbing images in this poem. so realistic. however, please present to us the other side of the story..perhaps make the patient look like she's feeling something..pity for herself, contempt for herself because of her helplessness..things like that. the bluntness of this narrative poem rivals the best of jolting real life abuse videos.
Keep writing
Kannika -
Allthough this was easy to read due to flow....i'm sry but personally I do not like this poem...concept i guess is just too much for me. Sorry
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Dear "AngelsOfGod"
You asked me to call your comment boring or dumb. It's dumb more than boring I think. The point of the poem is that things like this go on in hospitals, prisons, surgeries, police stations etc. everywhere from Manchester (Dr Harold Shipman killed 200+ patients) to Iraq (US & British soldiers abusing prisoners) via Chile (Pinochet and the lads) and Auschwitz (Herr Dr Mengele und seine Freunde). It's not a fantasy. -
Put it In Adult
I must agree with Ticklish... I didnt like it.
In all Honesty, it looks like you've watched
"Kill Bill" a lil too much, which might have
spawned such a nasty Fanasty into a Poetic Idea...
You can Call my Comment, Boring or Dumb, But that
will only make YOU look as Immature and
Irresponable as the topic of this poem...
I'm Sorry I couldn't Find something I
liked, I wish I could've, I hate leaving
a Comment like this...
Cheers...
St. Michael
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Not my cup of tea..but I see the poet in you as you enter this contest..good luck Peace Muddy
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hmmm..the comment above is odd. im not sure the category represents the knowing of right and wrong..but what right causes angst. i dont know.
anyways. interesting. def. not what i was expecting. should have the adult category atleast. good job with writing this. good luck in the contest.
Blu -
Above comment is B*O*R*I*N*G and earnest.
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Hated this. Is there no responsibility for writers to promote good and condemn evil? It is my opinion that the ommission of condemnation in this piece implies compliance and approval. Lets hope your little piece doesn't end up as the fantasy or, God forbid, the deed of some imbecilic mind that doesn't know any better...You have asked for a critical review and you have gotten one.
Edited on Mar 21, 5:25 p.m. because ''.
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