"Time Together"
We've been together a very long time,
you wouldn't believe the love in my heart...
How is that even possible?
We've spent more than half our life, apart...
I'm really not sure you understand,
just how deep my love for you goes...
To anyone who's around us much,
I'm positive that it shows...
I so desperately need to be with you,
every single day...
To get this feeling of lonliness, to
eventually fade away...
I feel the need to touch you,
but again I'm here alone...
The profession that you have,
has never left much time at home...
I want so much to tell you,
how much I need you near...
But the words for which I'm searching,
Just seem to disappear...
Since we both are able now,
to end this time apart...
I think it's time we do it,
let our time together start...
Author notes
Written March 20th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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montez,
Thank you so much for the help...I appreciate it so much...kntryg
Edited on Mar 27, 8:05 because ''. -
MuseStalker,
Thank You again, for all of the help...kntryg -
Much better, I think. I do have one other suggestion, which I hope you'll forgive....but in the line "But the words in which I'm searching for", I think the grammar would be greatly improved by dumping the "in" and moving the "for" to replace it. That way, it would read "But the words for which I'm searching". Anyway, just my opinion. Also, you might want to take a look at the title....there seems to be a typo. Nicely done, I think....all things considered. And, thanks for letting me know you'd done a rewrite. I like to revisit poetry that's been revamped. It helps me as a poet to watch such transitions.
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MuseStalker,
I don't mind critical imput at all... Sometimes I need all the help I can get. Other times everything seems to flow. If you wouldn't mind could you check it out again, and tell me if it's any better??...kntryg
Edited on Mar 27, 7:49 because ''. -
montez,
Thank You so much for the help... I think it sounds much better now...What do you think?...kntryg -
I hope you sincerely are looking for critical input, because I have a bit for this piece. While I think this had an interesting theme and some very good poetic bits to it, it also feels very repetitive to me. I was also snagged by the typos in lines 4 and 11. In my opinion, this needs a bit of work to become all it might be. With a little work, however, I think it might be considered well done poetry.
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Simple but expressive.
However, it's clumsy in places IMO. EG I'd drop "even" from the third line, and it should be lives together in the 4th line.I'd add that after positive in the 2nd verse.
"I want so much to tell you,
How much I need you near,
But the words for which I'm searching,
Just seem to disappear" would work better IMO.
I'd drop and from the last line.
You don't have to do ANY of this, it's just my opinion, but it's pretty good as it is - just a tweek here and there would, I think improve it.
Hope you don't hink I'm trying to be a smarty pants - after all, I've not been writing very long.
All the best.
Robin. -
Excellent.
The sense of desperation for the person is palpable. I liked this a lot. -
Thank you so much for telling me what u truly thought and taking the time to comment on this poem...kntryg
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Bravo
This was a good read. I didn't really like the first stanza, I thought it was kind of boring. However, the rest of the poem was just fine. This was a good piece, and bravo to you -
What a lovely write. Passion and compassion laid out for the world to read. Sometimes it isn't easy to tell the one you love what needs to be said.
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