A twisted emotion
A broken soul
A heart of hate
No reason or goal
A sunny day
A dark disposition
People in love
Without hesitation
Jealousy and hate
They thrive inside
A hunger for love
And no where to hide
A handsome face
A gentle heart
A grazing look
The mending will start
A sweet promise
A few loving words
She began to trust
When he spoke, she heard
Controlling maneuvers
A slap on the face
Good love gone bad
She stayed in her place
Hiding in fear
Hoping he'll go away
Silence in her room
He left her alone today
A broken door
A terrified girl
A punch in the face
The room began to swirl
He raped her again
She hides in the dark
He claims he'll kill her
His bite as bad as his bark
Alone in her room
Alone in her world
No one to trust
Such a sad little girl
She longs for her past
And wishes to go back
Then she was sad
But never afraid of attach
She see's no way out
Though she tried her best
She pulled the trigger
And took one to the chest
What a sad ending
For such a sad girl
She had so many to love
It vanished when "true love"unfurled
Author notes
Written March 17th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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This deserves like over a thousand appaulses! I'm truly impressed by this, I really enjoyed the rhythm coming from this piece, and the rhyming went together perfecting. I really! like the way you structured it. And the ending was spectacular. It's really good. To me, it was a big surprise. Usually stories like these are a little run-off or just have real rhythm. Wonderfully written. You have a beautiful talent.
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The rhythm in this was quite smooth, though it tended to fragment a little as I furthered along in reading the piece. I'll assume this doesn't promote suicide, 'cause if it does, then...well, then that'll suck.
Anyway, the rhymes didn't seem too bad, though I stumbled on, "But never afraid of attach." Say what? "Attach"? You lost me there; I wasn't sure what the line was supposed to mean. The last line is clearly much longer than any other line in the rest of the piece; might I suggest something like, "Vanishing when 'true love' unfurled"? Or perhaps you could just drop "But it;" it'll aid to the rhythm, 'cause I stumbled on that last line as well.
Other than that, this wasn't too bad at all; you posted this again as a story, but it's clearly a poem; you might want to delete this and re-post it as a poem instead of a story. I realize it tells a story, but it's written in the form of a poem.
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