He heard the brass ring,
‘though the bell was gone,
watching silent musical notes,
dance upon his frozen breath
He smiled…
Then picking up a smooth glass rose, His still rose
they wandered…
a witness, a man with a torn brown jacket followed.
Stopping at a shop window, there a painting leaned...
baby bubbles hovered his lips.
A hand painted family gathered around a rose, like his
He reflected about his own family,
remembering he was once an artist too.
He smiled…
and quickly moved away,
the follower had returned, covered with tattered clothes
Through the window, a mirror hung
He smiled...
and stepped away.
Author notes
vaguely could be #7 or if not it is no option
i do not know you anymore, i never knew you anyways
Written March 17th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
great poem..i really liked the words you used in the poem..nice imagery on the glass rose and the picture being a mirror..i believe? it was a bit confusing, though i still liked it
thanks for entering and good luck!
S.C
-
I liked the idea of the glass rose. thank you for entering.
-
Interesting, I can't shake the feeling that "his breath" "his still rose" and "his lips" have some sort of meaning to them. Maybe it's something like possession of self? Perhaps he's delusional or narcissistic? Or new life vs. old. I can't figure out what role the man plays, it say witness but witness of what? A bad deed, a crime?
The poem itself is quite captivating. One thing I didn't like was the use of ellipsis. They were just used a little too much. But this was a lovely poem, and I hope I made some sense in the ramble above.
~lv -
wow this is a brilliant write and its so thought provoking yet it has such beautiful description at the same time. "Then picking up a smooth glass rose, His still rose", i loved that piece of imagery. don't change a thing. keep on writing xxx
-
Great
I don't think I probably understand it, but it doesn't stop me liking it and appreciating it. I think it was really well written, and the corrections make it easier to read now, I think. Basically I just thought it was well written, flowed nicely and had a pretty nice feel about it.
Well done, I liked it. I can't really think of any improvements, the layout was good too. -
Thanks for your comment. I did mean "dance" and "quickly," so thanks for spotting that. But with the "baby bubbles hovered his mouth" that was what i meant...maybe i should have put lips instead of mouth though. I was just wondering if you understood the poem, because i tried to include lots of different meanings into the poem too. Thanks again.
-
Nice.
Intriguing...takes a couple of reads to get what you're talking about..even so, I don't really understand the full meaning; but I get the social side to it - I see that. -
A great poem, and here are some suggestions on possible improvement. I don't understand this line
ance upon frozen his breath. probly just a slip of the finger. should it be dance upon his frozen breath. This line:baby bubbles hovered his mouth… sorry I don't get it. No suggestions maybe it's covered his mouth. Quick and move away, should also be changed to maybe Quickly and moved away, It's in the wrong tense. But besides simple grammer errors this poem is excellent.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
9 old applause
