These concrete walls are now shades of gray.
These tall steel bars are now rusting away.
This has been my home.
Slow days move on by and the night owl will sing.
I'll keep my eyes closed and hope for a dream
of yesterday's world.
There is no tomorrow and I live only now.
repeats for the future as the
dark moves on down.
And the night owl will cry.
With hair turning grey and bars on each side.
These strong concrete walls that keep me inside
will now set me free.
My yesterday's gone and tomorrow is now.
I'll start my walk home as the dark falls down.
And the night owl stands still.
Author notes
GIVE ME
In a list
A contest entry
- Death Row by Nemisis.
300 points, ended December 10, 2006, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Mania by Chelsea Void.
600 points, ended October 1, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Broken Stories and Abnormal Cliches by Dirty and Broken.
2400 points, ended November 29, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
I like the way this one flows. It sets a slow yet gentle pace for the reader. I also find a sense of peace in the movement of it and after reading the author's note it all makes sense. I wonder, is the speaker referring to him/her self as the night owl? Just a thought...
-
Makes you stop and think. Really the poem can be related to anything from a reader's pov, but from seeing what you based the idea of the poem off of, makes the reader go: woah. and then all the little pieces begin to fit.
very intriguing. -
That's an interesting concept of what it would look like on death row. It really makes you think. I never thought nor have I seen a write about death row so this is new to me. Keep up the good work.
Love always,
Kristen ღ -
this is a good piece of poetry i find which you have written here with some style, it holds a nice gentle rhythm to the poem and the flow is very niceindeed. i thank you very much indeed for sharing your poetic talent. i enjoyed reading it with my eyes. i wish that you have good luck in the contest you have entered. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
-
I liked the poem a lot, and liked the flow and style of it. You describe it very well I must say.
You're talented, keep on writing!
-
Beautiful.
I love your way with words. How it all flows together. I can feel what you feel. I have been behind bars before, for about a year and a half total time.
With hair turning grey and bars on each side.
These strong concrete walls that keep me inside
will now set me free.
I love those lines. Great write.
-
Wonderful write...really the only problem I had with this was that the stanza length varied...and I guess I'm sort of anal about that...lol...but this was a great piece...I really liked it...the flow was great...and well it was just an overall amazing piece...
Thanks for entering!
Lee-Ann -
Brilliant
I love the little bit of repetitiveness in this piece, and the way you write of how you think death row would be, i mean its absolutely brilliant, Your word choice is good, and different, and by all means I really hope you continue penning, you have amazing talent, and a way with words. Thank you for the oppurtunity to read this!!
~Emily~
-
nice work!!!!! tommorrow means nothing its all about today!!!! the way I feel!!!! I like it good piece good luck in the contest!!!!
-
I don't think I could offer anything original on this piece. It is as all the comments above express. A very sad and beautifully depicted work. Though this is a considerably short work for what it is, I think it says everything it truly needs to. Because you were able to in few words express something that a life time of experience could not have helped someone to comprehend. Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful work with me and helping me to commorate my one year.
jamie -
I applaud your slant-rhymage. It is very nice and you don't see a lot of it anymore. I like the image that you paint of the concrete walls and rusted bars. This is a neat poem because it can go a variety of styles--it's not imagist persay but at the same time it is. It deals with the visual but at the same time pulls at some almost transcendentalist ideas. It's very nicely written.
My one thought on this one (everyone gets a thought. It's just an opinion and you don't have to act on it if you feel like I'm on something) is I'm not into the word dark being that it's an adjective and your using it as a noun. I think darkness would fit better, but at the same time that's just me. If you feel like it's part of the charm of this poem, don't do anything.
I just had a second thought--try to make all the last lines 5 syllables long so that they cement the piece together.
You're amazing. Much Love. -
well written and the lines flow with ease I just got the scaries think about having to live like that day in and day out being on death row oh my gives me the chills this is great writing.
-
This is a very sad poem... I'm totally against that kind of thing. I think the night owl parts were the strongest. Good luck in the contest.
~Diana -
truely timeless.i love owls,they seem so mystical.good work.
-
I thought this was total awesome. I got such a sense of imprisonment as I read this. This is truly the best thing I've read all week. This is a work of art for sure. Awesome write.
-
This isn't exactly what I was looking for by co-hosting this contest. The rhyme is extremely predictable, and there is little here that makes me say "wow". Good poem, but not great. I'm opting to remove this from the contest, however, would like to extend my thanks for considering and entering.
-
I can't say I like the rhyme scheme since most of the time I didn't notice one. I did like the poem anyway. However, the last line bothered me. I'm not sure why. It just didn't seem to fit owls. Anyway, all in all, this is a very pleasant read, and it's a good poem.
-
The rhyme is nice enough, although honestly I don't know what to think of that third line in each stanza that totally throws me as far as flow is concerned. I'll waive my opinion until onerios13 gets a gander at this, and then we'll let you know.
-
Very nice! The story is very interesting.
~Amanda -
You have an amazing ability to put your feet into the shoes of another and express such deep emotions you imagine that one to feel. You didn't skip a beat. Well done~
-
Very subtle and well written
Keep writing, this was a very poignant piece. I wasn't sure if it was intended to rhyme or not
All the best,
Pozo
-
This poem created very strange feeling within me. The words that you wove, did indeed create a vivid image. The night owl was a very nice touch. The bars and the concrete a powerful reference to being contained or restrained. All-in-all it was a very well written piece that was indeed inspiring and deeper than it first appears. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
-
Brilliant
That is just amazing. Clap clap! The way you describe how the time is moving and how the owl provides knowledge. Its wonderful.
Keep up the brill work!
-
This is a cryptic write. It's not a bad poem, but it is still far from a polished final version in my opinion. Perhaps I am just not feeling up to it today so I'll try to look at it again later. Anyway, it's not a bad poem. I just think it could use some touching up.
-
The prison wall crumbles...
All I can say about this poem is...wow. You really did a great job with this poem, with everything from the rhyming to the way the poem flows, I really enjoy this write. Keep up the great work! -
Excellent imagery beautifully done!!!
This piece is amazing... wonderfully captivating magnificent imagery that haunts the soul... Brava... "Slow days move on by and the night owl will sing.
I'll keep my eyes closed and hope for a dream
of yesterday's world." Exquisite Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors ... may the night Owl sing for freedom
-
A very beautiful poem. My take is that this is a woman who has been in prison for many years, always going to sleep hearing the owl outside her window. She has finally accepted her fate, and that acceptance has liberated her inside, even though outside she will remain in prison until the day of her death. Do I have the meaning right?
I suppose the other take could be that the woman is being released after being in prison for multiple years, and she's trying to comprehend what life will be like now.
I really like the image (or sound) of the owl crying. I have to admit I've never read of an owl crying. But here, it seems to fit.
Thank you for sharing! -
Ok, so I swear I've read this before but since I can't seem to find my comment, I'll comment again.
This poem is so sad but it's so beautiful. Doesn't that seem to happen alot though, beauty and sad in one package? It was a wonderful write, and keep up the excellent work.
~V~ -
Brilliance TRUE GOLD
To the depth and timeless breath my soul can breathe
This song was perfect in content, form, and images
Je'tadore to the wisdom truth and beauty you share
I am now a big fan of your love songs forevermore.
Thank you for posting such a deep walk on the shores of sorrow
They always sing there will be a brighter tomorrow
However, you have found the truth in your tomorrow is today
Time now to walk the walk that will bring some happiness your way.
~All the best to you and yours, Namaste Blessed Be, Sharron~
-
wow, this poem was absolutely incredible,,i enjoyed reading this very much,,i hope to read more of your work in the near future (if time allows me to) please have a very nice day,,cya later!!
-
You show compassion for creatures that most people feel no compassion for. Ido understand to a point how you feel. Empathy allows up to prohject ourselves into those people's lives and to unerstand that "there but for the grace of God go I." Still a lot of these people are truly contemptable human beings.
I admire your ability to turn the other cheek. -
An itersting write. It wasn't like a normal poem. It was a bit offbeat. I mean that in a GOOD way. This site needs different types of poetry!
-
This is a wonderfully written poem and it reminds me of a book I read, "Affinity" by Sarah Waters.
Your poem brings such strong images into my mind. I wrote a poem once about a prison, it's called "Caged" ... but your piece is more about time, than what mine was. I really enjoy poems that make me think about how I spend my time and such.
Oh yes ... I also like the owl ... a symbol of knowledge -
whoa, wonderfully written
-
Beautiful
-
I do not beleive in "an eye for an eye". Yes it is hard. I have had a family member murdered. They went to trial, and now after ten yrs. there either walking free, or dead. All three.
My husband passed away 4yrs. ago and its his brother I talk now about. My mother-in-law buired all her children and her husband then died herself. Leaving me and my four grown children to live with the pain. She somehow found forgivness for these monsters that killed her child. A brave woman that I learned alot from. I can't wish hate or death on another living soul. I don't have that right nor do I want it. I only feel pain. lindadoster -
Perceptive
This is the feeling that I get when I can't get out and walk and do some of the things that I want to do especially bad weather. But today was a good day and I find the perception in this poem to be very real. -
Awesome...Awesome...and...um...AWESOME! This was truly amazing, so full of emotion and emptiness. So full....but not...how can that be? Well anyways this was a great piece and it was AWESOME! Great deep emotion that really made me feel.-Nuff Said
-Rock N Roll
-Ash ASh -
Time sure does fly doesn't it? Most people don't even slow down to reflect. I think most just keep going cause they may be disappointed if they stop to look at themselves. That certainly is my fear. Nice work.
-
written with a thousand shades of grey
strong but I oddly get the feeling you are becoming somewhat use to your encapturement. You need to escape. Well written. -
you've captured the feel of being imprisoned... stuck... quite clearly. the concrete walls and steel bars do that well.
i would like to see more of a desolate feeling in this poem...
acceptance of death to come.
the last stanza was good... a description of being set free by death... thus the night owl stands still.
-
You use imagery that is inconsistant. But you use the same words over again. Grey, concrete. You should use more descriptive words. Use some "power descriptors". Give some "oomph" to your poetry. I feel that you could add a bit more emotion to this poem as well.
-
great
Hey this was really good! Superbly written, phrased and composed!!! Great imagery and style too!! You should be extraordinarily proud of yourself, this was excellent!! Well done!! -
A very perceptive piece of writing - no mention of regret though - can I take it that you are anti captital punishment. Whilst I think this is an excellent write, it is hard for me to be sympathetic when one considers that the victim does not even have a today, let alone a tomorrow.
-
This is really good, from another fantasic poet. Nice imagery and your words have been used effectively. Great write and well done. Good luck in the contest. Keep writing!
katy
-
WOW! I love this, another amaizing write. I enjoyed it very much, and I now have a new fav...Keep pen in hand. I will be adding you to my fav. list...~Stacey~
-
Well written with alot of good imagery , you used your words wisely. This poem actually made me think of the story of Ruban Carter and his philosophy while in prison , although he wasnt on death row. Well done.
-
it is rather good.. What i got from it is that you shouldn't waste your childhood-dont grow up too fast or else it'll all just be a fait memory. Keep writing! It's good for the soul!
-
"With hair turning grey and bars on each side."
Should be "turned" is all. I liked the poem, though the rhythm seemed to jump around a little bit. I was listening to Orgy-Blue Monday while reading and I liked the poem and the song together (though that doesn't really mean anything...and really they aren't that much alike either).
Definitely interesting, I like the format you used, even if it was a little odd. It seemed to somehow flow despite everything and was an interesting read. The narration was blunt and in the present-it was a unique way to look at the poem. I don't know about the end-not sure if i like it or not. It definitely seems final, but I don't really follow where your going. Could be me though!!! I liked the poem
-
To me it seems that you have escaped your prison. Maybe I am wrong, but if I am right. Congratulations!!! Take Care
--Shelly
P.S. In this:
Slow days move on by and the night owl will sing.
I'll keep my eyes closed and hope for a dream
of yesterday's world.
Don't dream of yesterday’s world, then you would only be looking back. Chin up and look to the future. *smile* -
First, owls are always a wonderful animal to use for good imagery. Great job tying in that element so smoothly
The whole poem is excellent, gave me a rattle. Very strong images and emotions. You've done really well. Good luck in the contest. Definitely a poem of the soul.
-
Wow insightful perception on a hot topic. I could almost feel the descriptive imagery a little too raw, you have done a good job of putting yourself into another's shoes using imagination...felt the isolation and the coldness as I read through. Left me with a chill. Good work.
-
this was a good poem...good job...this poem was quite descriptive and a line in the poem really matches the background itself..good job
-
I strongly agree with Danna's critique. I would tighten it up even a bit more by eliminating some of the "these". A strong idea. You can maybe just tweak it to make it a strong poem.
mary -
i love this, its really great.
-
I like thwe form forget what some others think, this poem was magic in the making. By sdayin that with a lil work it could be one of the best not sayin its bads at all cause i likesd it im just sayin with a little more detail youd captavate all
-
really liked it keep up the good work!
-
My hair has turn grey and bars on each side.... the word "turn" should be "turned" in this line.
These strong concrete walls that keeps me inside... there should not be an "s" on the end of "keep" in this line.
These concrete walls are now shades of gray.
These tall steel bars are now rusting away.
This has been my home.... the word "now" in the first two lines of this stanza weaken it.
These concrete walls are shades of gray.
These tall steel bars are rusting away.
This has been my home.
Your form is all over the place, and you don't seem to be able to decide whether you are going to rhyme or not. -
omg that poem was really good! my poems are so blah i need to make them better like more like this but yeah great write keep it up
-
You've done well imagining what it must be like..
You should check the fourth stanza..some of your word forms need to be tweaked
Thank you for entering the contest
~Pamela -
I disagree strongly with the first person who commented-- don't rhyme it anymore for the love of everything good. This poem is fantastic the way it is.
This is a beautiful haunting little melody... I really love this. I like the full circle you did with the first and fourth verses using the same kind of thing with the gray bars and the gray hair, and the walls... kinda lovely.
Great write. -
somewhat sad at the beginning, then at the end its quite relieveing that the person is freed. oh there's a certain word im trying to think of that fits this poem but i cannot bring it to my fingers....
well anyway, you did a splendid job! -
I really feel this poem would be improved by more careful attention to grammar and punctuation. You have mixed up singulars/plurals several times and grammatical illiteracy really dimishes what is actually quite a nice little poem. You do yourself no favours by such carelessness.
-
Great job!
I liked it and I still suck at giving comments! I really like the line These strong concrete wall that keeps me inside
will now set me free. -
It seems to me that "follows" might be a more apt word, rather than "falls". But thats just my opinion. I enjoyed this. Well written. You know what you're doing, so keep it up.
- Malificent of Forbidden Mountain - -
Awww this is puuurrrrdddy I loved it a lot You have penned this elegantly and gracefully. The words just rolls off of the readers tongue as they read the words on the page. You have did a marvelous job on this peom. Please continue to write and share your wonderfully pieces of poetry with all of us. Its a pleasure to read them
Smoochie
-
awsome write, floweed perfectly and was very well thought out. i like this line:
There is no tomorrow and I live only now.
repeats for the future as the
dark moves on down.
And the night owl will cry
It seemed to represent a little bit of my own life at the moment. great job!
-
This was amazing. the imagery and the flow were perfect. a kind of peace radiated from this. i look forward to reading more of your poetry.
-
I love the way you ended this poem. You are an amazing poet, and I hope to read more of your work.
-
did you do something to it to change it? it doesnt read like the same poem i read before...i dont know..edit something? anyways. enjoyed, yet again.
Blu -
Phew... I have chills!
I have to say, you did a splendid job at setting the tone. The paticular image you brought forth was haunting, chilling, and suspenceful. It is wild how a simple thing like an owl can really bring forth the mood of a poem.
The rhyme scheme isn't one that I see often. I enjoyed the change! The flow was pleasant enough to keep me from complaining (and I teach meter so you've had a lucky break ).
Altogether this piece was a pleasure to read. You've a way with setting tone that many don't grasp.
- Claide -
Prtty good, but, just a thought - wouldn't it have been so much better if the last word of each verse rhymed?
Luv,
Robin T. -
I hope I never have to think of the thoughts..but you managed to fill the page with thoughts of being freed...I suppose we take our freedom for granted all to often. Great job here
Peace
Muddy -
I read this in so many ways, and when I finally got to your comment at the end the different readings all slotted together as one beautiful write. I liked this a lot.
-
The cadence was sweet in this poem, very calm, subdued, and added to the despair of the prisoner -her song. The unhrymed and offbeat endings worked very well also. What is interesting, is that not only is there a rhythm of words and line, but the theme is very rhythmic, very eternal in this since..never ending, and not at one moment, as to build such a perception this "prisoner" would would have -whatever the prison is, well that is completely up to question.
-
My yesterday's gone and tomorrow is now.
I'll start my walk home as the dark falls down.
And the night owl stands still.
Beautiful ending, i have to say i loved it. It encapsulated your poem truly. I alwys say a good poem always has either a good ending, begining or middle. An excellent one has them all, you seem to have them all. A wonderful write, keep them coming. And i agree totally with what you are saying. Thanx, bye. -
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLL!i LOVED IT!!!
Lestat de Lioncourt -
I know most pain. There"s not much I haven't seen, And murder is one. My brother-in-law was shot and killed at 25yrs. I buired my husband's family one by one until all was gone. The last one alive was my mother-in-law. She helped me when my husband died. By far the bravest women I ever knew.
Somewhere deep inside she had foegivness. SometimesI'm not sure how she went on but for me and my four kids I'm glad she did.
Life's been hard. At 46yrs old, I have nothing, but have gained everything.Thats hard for some to understand.
Being married for 22yrs to a abusedive man that I loved was not easy, then he died. So did the only family I knew.
Doris Doster put all of her children in there graves along side her husband, and then went home. She was a women I respected then and forever for what she beleived in, and for the strong woman she was, and her forgivness. lindadoster
L -
I think you have captured the images with taste and refinement eloquently said
-
This is a very powerful write and kinda touching. I love it. It is rather descriptive and the ryhme is great. You really did a great job on this. It is beautiful. Very well written. Anyway, have a nice day/night.
-
Some might say,let the punishment fit the crime.Unless falsly accused-as with some horrible crimes,the lonely feel of the subjest is as nothing.Compared to the victim and their families pain.They have to live with the pain.But you as a poet,have coined the subjests feelings quite well.--Suseann
-
awesome rhyme scheme, i loved it, keep it up great write
-
wow... very descriptive and wonderfully written... ive always wondered what itd be on death row as well and uve summed it up nicely... i love ur descriptions... simply a great write
-
i love the lines,
My yesterday's gone and tomorrow is now.
I'll start my walk home as the dark falls down.
And the night owl stands still.
they were perfect and pulled it all together. I mean this was a wonderful work of art and i say art becuase this is not a poem it is a master pecie.
keep writting and i'll keep reading.
luv bunches,
~Mary~ -
this was a nice poem...quite specific and detailed...very nice good job!
Poetry-4-Life
-
Awesome job on this piece. As I read it, I had many thoughts as I knew what it was about as far as prison after the first line. I thought about my husband. When I first met him, I knew him for 2 months and he spent 26 months in prison and I only knowing him shortly, waited faithfully for him every one of those days. Eceyone of those days also included a letter and a card sent to him, sometimes more in one day, never a day went by that I didn't wtrite and he didn't receive. Now again, my husband has been incarcerated for over 6 months. This time, he receives nothing from me. He is there because he tried to shoot me. I can only imagine and do think once in awhile, how he must feel about being there again, possibly for 3 years but most likely only for 3 more months. I know it isn't death row however; the things that can go through the mind after being there so long, I remember the stories he told me about his last time there. I think and it's my opinion only, after being in prison and seeing all that happens not only to yourself and your own mind, that some people might welcome their escape, even if it is through death. Please don't feel me as being callous as that is not my intention here. I just know that sometimes, being in that situation can lead you to a certain kind of madness that any relief from it would be welcome. Sorry I left such a long comment, you just got me thinking with this piece. Very well done and thanks for sharing it. Be Well and Be Blessed.
-
This is very powerful and the repetition really adds a brillian sense to the poem.
Now hair has turn grey and bars on each side.
These strong concrete wall that keeps me inside
will now set me free.
That is just an amazing line altogether. And it reminds me of a song I listened to once...Anyway, very very very nice job!
DXS -
Very powerful! iLoved it. It was touching, and i read it like 5 times, I can't get enough, hold on one more time.....GREAT WRITE Luv ya, Chiquita
-
This is good, the flow was amazing, and this is very unique, which makes me like it even more lol Great write, thanks for sharing.
-
Very talented writer!!!! I wish I could write something half as good! Anyways it was very neat, but it hurt to read it. Maybe I was reading into it too much, or maybe I just can't let go of my past.....Either way I don't know anything except that this was very good~
~V~ -
thi sis good it has a stong meaning
~ashley~ -
Windworder has got a good point there, so I will critique on the poem not spelling and grammar, this is a wonderful poem, very different from the normal , a class write and I loved it, you have a lot of talent, hugs Di
-
Great!
nice poem, it really flowed still could use a few changes. but it really goes smooth and had good rhyme. well done!
-Jesse -
letting go of the past is hard enough but wow being locked up for so long then released even if its a death sentence must come as some relief , i don't know if i could stand being taunted with the fact that any day could come word of my impending death , seems really cruel some hoe to keep some one waiting around like that , anyway a great write , may be you could check out one of mine .
-
im not sure i like the title..but i dont know..anyways...interesting poem...would not know where to begin to even try to understand what thats like...death row...but i like your poem. good job.
Blu -
Wow...I really liked this piece. I don't really know what else to say except that, although I'd like to offer something a bit more substantial. Well...I'm definitely going to bookmark it! Excellent job. Keep it up! God bless and write on, Sim.
-
THANK YOU, I was playing with the idear of leaving it in or taking it out. It was to come out, but I messed up. Thanks again
-
Interesting poem and creatives use of repetition. A few minor "tweeks," would serve to polish up your unique presentation here.
"repeats for the my future as the
dark moves on down." ..."MY" does not appear to be necessary or logical where it is in this line. Maybe a typo?
"These strong concrete wall that keep me inside
will now set me free.".... wall needs to be plural, 'walls.'
"I'll start my walk home as the dark falls on down."..."on" roughens the meter and detracts from the line. 'Dark falls' keeps the meter and says the same thing.
This is a very creative piece and like any diamond, needs a little chipping and a lot of polishing to draw attention to itself.
-
WOW! This is a really powerful and insightful poem. I liked the style you gave it too. It flowed nicely and the owl was perfect.
Peace-
Toltec Warrior
Adding your comment:
