an essence rises from the land into our spirits
a touch like the raven’s down dispersed on a maiden flight
that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
in one ear seethes resentment deep and bitter
reflections of a suffering long endured
and in the other burns remorse as sour
this land is an amalgam of disembodied psyches
its rivers and rocks infused with their enigmatic drift
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
as one hand grips a wound too deep to bear
the other twists a blade that lightly glimmers
reflections of a suffering long endured
we drink of water filled with transcendental engrams
a sense emerges in all who share in its natural course
that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
as one arm holds a steady hand for moments
and all the warriors freeze in sober pause
the other twists a blade that lightly glimmers
like sea-mist on the wind our minds are touched by phantoms
immersed in their love and hate—a plight we cannot escape
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
one eye sees arrows pierce men to their rest
another watches bullets drop their targets
and all the warriors freeze in sober pause
the waking world is brim with long forgotten relics
their shapes reduced to the dust we breathe from the fragrant air
that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
one hero’s war-lance slaughters human objects
the rage that sent it warm upon the blood
another watches bullets drop their targets
all ancestries are fused in our subconscious insights
we dream their atrocities—their advances and retreats
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
each side is long remembered in our veins
in one ear seethes resentment deep and bitter
the rage that sent it warm upon the blood
and in the other burns remorse as sour
Author notes
featured in:
blackmail press: www.homestead.com/NZPoetsOnline/index.html (Issue 15)
to learn more about the hybridanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/1086828/all=1
Written March 8th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 55 of 55
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astounding
arg i wrote a nice long review for this and then my computer crashed... so this might not be as detailed as my first one... but it will do and u can ask me questions anytime.
anyway... i was going to tell you that this poem reminded me of a very important historic Sioux massacre.. in the early 1800s, people crossed the Oregon trail and the Sioux got fed up with them.. consequently, leading them to act in ways the white men found aggrivating. in territory dispute, thousands of families- men, women and children- died in a surprise attack to "destroy the Sioux". they did not achieve their goal, but it was a close one.
i know a woman who, after the reservation territory was made smaller, she bought some land, not knowing it had ever been part of a reservation, yet alone one of the biggest massacres in Sioux history. one day, a Sioux man from the nearby reservation rings her doorbell and asks if they could perform ceremonies on her property, explaining the situation. Little did Loretta (the woman) know until that day why her horses spooked around large boulders stacked in piles on top of one another on her property- the surviving Sioux had buried their loved ones in a pit underneath, covered it in dirt and put stones on top to never disturb their time with the Holy Spirit.
I have 2 sources of information this came from... Loretta, and the Lakota Sioux sage-like women and men who had grandparents who died in the tragety. All in all, i think this story is one in which your poem subconsiously correlates to...
The Sioux, as i said in my story, worship their dead and the spirits who left them, even if they did not know them, or if it i was too long ago to remember. This was just one of the many examples of Native American mass losses- King Phillip's War being the best known.
I think that my favorite part of this write were the stanzas-
this land is an amalgam of disembodied psyches
its rivers and rocks infused with their enigmatic drift
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
as one hand grips a wound too deep to bear
the other twists a blade that lightly glimmers
reflections of a suffering long endured
I feel the word selection was astutely perfect... it touched the fact that the Native Americans, just like the Jews, have suffered years and years of their own form of anti-Semitism. "suffering long endured" correlates back to that. I feel the topic was touched with a feeling of, not hatred, but of mourning for peace... Which brings me to why i choose to applaud this poem.
This entire write sounds like something that would come out of an elder Sioux's mouth- The words are strung together in a manner of that "peace of mourning". If you wrote this in your usual style, it would not have an eighth of the effect it has on me. this is truly a write that seems to be taken from the depths of their lives rather than the surface...
my suggestions? i think you could have ellaborated a lot more on the losses... and you could have thrown a good metaphor in there to show some sort of comparison to the suffering... not something you would write, necessarily, but something that would be fun to experiment with and to see what it adds to a work like this :-D. I would love to see you write something else about things you have learned from your comments on this poem or, possibly excerpts from what i have told you :-D. great read.... fine touches could be made, but it was definitely the most pin-pointed thing i have read from you so far.
-bellaxxRISING -
U've got me interested in these kinds of poems...both thta i've read were great. good job, i liked this!
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Hi Erin,
I sent my comments under seperate cover. I enjoyed the read.
Peace,
~RJ~ -
IG: aye, this allows me to have a pretty good idea of how you interpret this poem, so aye. i like that this poem of mine has inspired a poem out of you.
just waking up, so my brains a bit foggy and unclear. so can't think of anything else to say. i'm glad that you decided to have a look at this and share with me your thoughts.
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Well Erin Thomas,
You wanted a response out of me and you got a short poem.
Cleansing our souls of life's poisons,
Released anger within,
Forgiven those our past now present,
Pry a Saint, act abysmal.
Charging men fight our death,
One falls one rises,
Time stands for graves,
Not yet measured.
Akin to our fathers,
Strength of courage to fail,
Our boys for triumph,
Our souls cry of sorrow.
I posted it on my page.
Does this satisfy you?
-Anna
Edited on Mar 29 because ''. -
s-man: i didn't take it as an attack. if i took it as an attack i wouldn't have responded with a fully thought out response. i went through each of your points and clarified my position concerning them. that's all.
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Don't take offense or consider my comments an "attack."
The poem as a whole just gives me a sense of amatuerity. Don't get me wrong, I like what you've been doing, especially with this whole hybridanelle thing, but come on. This peice did not quite do it for me. And I remember reading about how you wanted honesty. And I happen to think that honesty should be used in all critiques.
And as for the italics, I would argue that a poem should be able to evoke a cryptic sense, or whatever you're going for, without the use of them. -
Nicolette: i feel that you have seen into this poem pretty well. thank you for sharing your thought on and experience with this poem with me.
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s-man23:
"Honestly I wouldn't consider this [one] of your best work[s]"
well, it isn't one of my best works, so i'll have to agree with you here.
"I didn't really like the whole feel of the poem, especially the title, which just seemed cliche. Another cliche that, much to my dismay, recurred throughout most of the poem was 'twist the blade[,]' [and a]lso 'wound too deep to bear.'"
fair enough, although i find it a little suspicious that the only person to focus in on cliches of titles and fragments is a friend of Horus8, whom i blocked from commenting on my works because he lacked civility. but, i'll treat this as a thoughtful comment anyway and respond thoughtfully.
"Legacy", which is a single word that truly describes the content, point, and focus of this poem, i don't think would be considered cliche by most people when the way i have used it, in relation to spiritual or subtle memory, is taken into consideration. cliches are words and phrases that have been used so often in relation to specific contexts that their meaning and impact of have become trite, severely diminished. bear in mind that cliches are contextual. nearly any word in the english language can be considered cliche, since you can collect every cliche in existence and properly compile a workable dictionary from the words used therein. however, it is not the word itself that makes it "cliche", it is the way the word is used. the way i am using the title, and the two phrases you've mentioned, is not, to my knowledge, used in a context that is cliche.
"twists a blade" in the first context is the blade that is actively plunged into someone's body, which could in some respects be considered cliche, but it works in the context of this poem in a fresh manner in my thinking. in its second context, it is the signal to an army to charge into battle, which i seriously doubt could be considered cliche.
"wound too deep to bear" might be considered cliche in some ways, but as i was saying above, nearly anything can be considered cliche. when someone wishes to attack a poem and sound intelligent about it, the "cliche" card is always what's pulled, especially if the cliche card is pulled without demonstrating why and how said words or phrases are cliches. the way i have used this phrase in this poem i feel fits where and as i've used it. so, i'll need more information to understand just how this phrase is a cliche to you.
"Only adding to the sense of a forced 'cryptical' feeling were the italics."
yes, the italicized portions of this poems are cryptic, and intended to be so, which could arguably be considered "forced" since this was the "intention", and any type of intention exerts a certain amount of force whether we like it or not. personally, i'm pretty happy with the way the italicized portions of this poem "cryptify" the poem. this poem is not written for Jane and Joe Sixpack, it is written for intelligent, thoughtful people who have delved into such things as the meaning of life and the point of existence, where we came from and where we are going, etc. and so on. such things are impossible to talk about without getting cryptic. every religious text on earth strives to explicate such mysteries, and they are each and all exceptionally cryptic. this is what happens when you use the medium of words to talk about the enigma of existence and mind.
thanks for your thoughts and reactions. they are appreciated. -
shewolfnative: it took three campaigns featured for 40 clickthroughs before i managed to get the thoughts of a native american on this poem, which is what i was hoping for above all. i even did a string search on poet's author pages for "Native\ American" and found a poem to comment on from each author page where the poet claimed to be native american in hopes of inspiring that person to come have a look at "Legacy". and, if you consider the way i comment, that took several hours.
what is particularly delightful to me is that you caught my use of raven metaphor, so if Horus8 (who has been blocked since he finds it difficult to express his thoughts in a coherent civilized fashion) comes back to read through the comments, he'll find the answer to his question in your comment, and you've answered it better than i could have since i didn't really have the words available to me even though i understood in my heart why and how i was using the metaphor.
for the record, the touch of down is soft, gentle, subtle. this is how our memories are affected, for better or worse, by the longer memories contained in everything we touch, eat, drink and breath. the choice of "raven's down" is as you've indicated. the "maiden flight" has to do with our first moments of consciousness when we've been born into life, which is the maiden flight of our awareness in this life. hence my making sure this notion was presented right away, in the maiden stanza of the poem.
thank you for commenting and letting me see how this poem affected an amerindian. if you happen to know any other AP members are american indian, i would consider it quite a blessing if you shared this poem with them and invited them to comment so i could get more input from the standpoint of different tribal traditions and backgrounds. i would also feel blessed if you shared this poem with native americans who are your friends and coworkers. you can give them my email address to whomever wishes to respond to me directly. just send me an im asking for it if someone wanted to conact me.
Edited on Mar 20 because ''. -
pbj: wheeee! you came back and commented again! yay! i'm really glad you enjoyed this poem enough to feel inspired to share your thoughts with me twice. and, i enjoyed your thoughts.
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Simbelmyne: i wanted to let you know that i quite enjoyed your thoughts. thank you for sharing with me your reaction to and impression of this poem. much appreciated!
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jason e: hrrm... i can't think of a better word than "sour" that will offer a decent associative synonymic parallelism with "bitter", but if i do think of something, i'll certainly update the poem and let you know.
i have to say that i like "grips" as i've used it because this is exactly what i envision someone doing with a saber-inflictd wound. i think it is an instinctive reaction to staunch the blood from the wound.
i'm glad you enjoyed this piece, jason, as i've said in other comments, this one has particular meaning to me. thanks for taking the time to let me know your thoughts and suggestion.
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CC: i think you have seen well into this poem, and i am glad of that.
as for the capitalization, i generally capitalize, or not, depending on whether or not i feel it will contribute to or detract from the poem. in this case it felt like capitalization would detract from the poem's impact, and so i left everything lowercased. -
Hello again Erin,
I mentioned before that I would read this a few times and return with further comment. As I re-read it today, I am gaining a deeper understanding from whence this arises. I see the idea that we, each of us, are essentially caught in a speck of our collective pasts by an unbroken link arising from the elements that represent all life forms on the planet. The struggle to accept or reject our ties to the past is internal within each of us and differing degrees of understanding will directly affect our inner peace and, to some extent, our resolve. You have done a masterful job of bringing the struggle to awareness and I am sure I will gain more understanding of the ideas presented as I continue to absorb the content. There is much more here than meets the eye...I shall return.
Kind regards,
Del -
Excellent!!!!!
Awesome poetry, masterfully crafted!! I am not familiar with this poetry form, but still I am in awe of the skill and word art displayed here. I know a little about the repetition in these kind of form poetry and I also know that to apply the repetition in a way that it makes sense and come together as a whole - wow...that takes time, effort and poetic ability par excellance!
The mental-emotional experience I take from this poem is one of looking down and back.....seeing and feeling the legacy of darkness, of history paving the path of the future, a paradox of emotions, of how this legacy causes both resentment and guilt...the sins of the fathers. This poem is truly unique and I admire everything about it. Wonderful poetry!!
~ Nicolette
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Honestly I wouldn't consider this some of your best work. I didn't really like the whole feel of the poem, especially the title, which just seemed cliche. Another cliche that, much to my dismay, recurred throughout most of the poem was "twist the blade." Also "wound too deep to bear."
Only adding to the sense of a forced "cryptical" feeling were the italics. -
Powerful write.
There was a song that had these words. "Half of my blood is Cain's Blood, and half of my blood is Abel's. This is a very provocative write in that you have taken a look at both sides of the scenario. This is unique and hard to do and reminds me of a summation in court. So I applaud you on this. -
interesting. different. what i thought when reading it was..this is long..but also, maybe about war....how you fight the enemy to defeat them....upon that defeat you feel both victorious and remorseful....but maybe is about religion. how doing the 'right' thing can make you happy and proud...and also sad and regretful...that you did not color outside the lines.
or something else. but in any case. enjoyed. interesting. different. good job.
Blu -
Pure wordsmithing
Thoughts From a Native American:
This is truly an amazing form. Prior to reading the form, I was thunderstruck by the crafting of words and phrases and the sense of two voices as one. I am sorry I looked at the form because now I am totally confused. I do know, however, what a great wordsmith you are.
I read the poem, was impacted, and moved to the link to see if I could figure out the form. It was difficult for me to get through, in this state of, cotton-for-brain flu I have. I will have to look at it more deeply when I can think straight.
Although some may have had trouble with the first stanza, I fell into connotations of my own, quickly. It was more substantiated later on in the poem. Raven’s down from maiden flight has many Native American connotations. Raven’s are sacred storytellers. To know the personality of Raven, is to know that it will sit at the top of a tall pole or sit on the eaves above you, and like little old men on a bench, have a complete conversation with you. The ravens carry memories (“otherworldly memory” and “an essence” and almost “forgotten relics” ) as does the land. I can see a parallel to this in the thoughts that follow in the poem.
There seems to be that omnipresent being, which is part of all of us and all of our experiences, watching, and commentating, as the oppressed join in with their victimizers in hurting themselves.
The tale is Universal. What one experiences, we all experience as a whole.
Again, awesome write.
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i just realized i commented on this...
but i guess i'll do it again!!
this is very haunting...and so deep...
with the depths of an unending vortex of emotion...
oh yeah...the emotion is swirling along with me
me the alice in wonderland
and i have fallen into the rabbit hole
the wonderland of poetry
i admire this poem greatly...
wondeful job!!
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Excellent beautifully crafted... Brava!!
Awesome, beautifull tapestry eloquently woven a "wordsmith" worthy piece... this gives through the rhythm and text... to me the evolutions of meditative conscriptions... for once the cycle begins we evolve to a deeper sense... to escape the realms we know... beyond... " like sea-mist on the wind our minds are touched by phantoms
immersed in their love and hate—a plight we cannot escape
an essence rises from the land into our spirits" masterfully crafted ... Two thumbs up!! Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors
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This is a great poem. It was cool how in some parts the words were italics and in some parts not italic. You used words that i havent even heard of. Some of them i had to look up to find the meaning to it, Such as disembodied I have always liked poems like this but this one is at the top of the lsit
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such strong words and yeah
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This poem has a definite otherwordly feel to it. I felt as I read through it that I was floating above the earth, looking down at a landscape etched in grays, watching everything, with no regards to time or dimensional constrictions. I felt lifted up out of the confines of our normal "box" and it was like someone said "Go, ahead: Just drift, and look at this." I really felt like I could "see" and "touch" Legacy, in a way I hadn't quite imagined. In fact, when I read your author's comments at first I didn't really know how to put it into words. But I found that as I typed out my ideas and really thought and felt about the poem, it all came into place. I had the distinct image/feeling/etc. of drifting weightless above a gray desert watching everything take place. Very cool. This was definitely and other-worldly experience. I've never read a poem quite like this. Awesome work. I really like this form! I'm going to have to try and write on. I've copied down some notes from your column on it in an attempt to write on. I don't think it'll ever be one quite so good as this though
This one is definitely getting bookmarked. God bless and take care, Sim.
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Well, I think this has got to be one of the best poems I've read ever. Period. Full stop. It's funny you should ask for interpretations and emotional experiences because I was thinking about both of these things as I read them. I read it as a war poem, along the lines of Siegfried Sassoon/Wilfred Owen - possibly the first few lines made me think of that and then my mind manipulated the rest of it to fit (I write war poems in this style, so I guess I read it the way I wanted to read it). In terms of emotion, I felt both shock, excitement and trepidation. And horror. Need a whiskey now!
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very good write, not sure though...anywayz, very good
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hmmmmmm i really cant say what kind of sense i got out of this poem cause usually a very good write would jump out at me, grab me and pull me in and right now this write has me on the "ify" side of sense but nevertheless its a good write
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this is really wondaful and creative, i know it's like what the
dude up there wrote but i agree, it's tru -
Wonderfully deep and creative. Powerful metaphor's used if we look beneath the surface. I like poems like this they let you use your imagination and I was very struck by the words you used.
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"a touch like the raven’s down dispersed by a maiden flight"
What in the hell does that mean? Among other things? -
Oh how I apologize
I clicked this accidentally but in return of a good character, I'll bookmark and return
Take care,
Buki aka decaf
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ecrivain: i can see the validity of your suggestion, but i feel that the language quality of "the waking world's abrim", although technically more correct grammatically, is not quite suited to the mood i am trying to establish in this piece. i've been thinking about that line since you commented and so far haven't been inspired to adjust it, but if that inspiration comes, i most certainly will do so and then seek out your input as to whether or not it seems improved to you.
thanks for stopping in and considering this poem enough to formulate a suggestion.
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awesome
wow, thats all I can say. This was amazing, it has to be one of my favorite poems ever. You did such an awesome job on it and i absolutly adore the layout. Amazing! Great job, I can't wait to read more!
~*Deen*~ -
Great poem comming on here. Im not trying to be rude, but with jsut a wee bit more effort, you could have a song or jsut a more well plentifull little poem goin on. I would expand this great thinking into a masterpeice, think about it
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Hard to make a comment that compares to those above...I must say brilliant work here...reminds me of Howard Nemorov's work
Peace
Muddy -
Rx: Keep them coming !!
Hey You!
Very good High Bread and Ale.LOL Good subject matter. Felt as if I were in a Social Studies class as well!
You are getting very adept at this style.
To tell the truth, when I am reading this style I feel a sense, well, a calming effect if you will, as serious as the subject may be.
I esp liked verses 6 and 11, probably because I feel the protagonists plight as they are introduced, to me at least!
I'll get back to see what you've been doing previously, but I just got home and have to clean up!
Ojo que no ve, corazon que no siente!
(the eye that doesn't see, the heart that doesn't feel.)
Regards,
John-Las Vegas
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i had to re-read this over to really get a sense...
and boy what a sense i got!!!
i enjoyed this so much...the convey of emotions and the whole just flow of this poem was so horribly enthralling i might need to bookmark this...and even though i know nothing of this type of format of poetry...i say BRAVO!!
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ss: i think you've seen into this poem the deepest so far. i like that you've read the poem the three ways you've described; this was intentional for this poem. i've tried to employ some of the ghazal's dissonance between the terzanelle and villanelle weaves in hopes of creating a sort of mental "flashback" effect in the mind of the reader.
my goal was to write a poem that brought forth some animistic insights concerning the nature of our subtle selves, which i think of as a nonlocalized-nonlinear phenomenon; meaning, when we are broken from the tether or our human form, which is like the portion of our being that rises a few feet above the water into sight, like the tip of the iceberg, then the remaning aspects are dispersed in various ways beneath the water, depending on countless factors and variables, back into the confusion of nonlocal-nonlinear being.
physical existence is something i see as a localization-linearization of the phenomenon of "being". being continues to "be" once the physical existence is dispatched, yet once dispatched, it now interacts freely, with all its memories and experiences intact, with all other beings, including those which are currently experiencing the cohesive physical aspect of being, which would be people like you and i who can sit at a keyboard and type, not to mention other beings that we may not be aware of.
as such, i see the land itself, with all its dust and water, all its mass, as being a the place where the shades of our physical existences, the engramatic aspects of our expriences, return to be recycled in various ways as new beings; but, mostly to impact and effect existing physical beings through their complete and utter immersion in the non-physical and the non-physical aspects of the physical with the "memories" of their experiences and behaviors, which would include the feelings of those past individuals.
as such, we should in certain ways each share the complete history of the our land as one memory. the strife of the native americans and of the settlers are mixed into an amalgam of a single undifferentiated experience that the living, physical beings, are completed interfused with. for me, this explains a lot of the tremendous confusion we experience as physical beings because we often don't realize this is happening, and instead of looking at the current condition and dealing with it in a manner that promotes personal progress, we react blindly in ways that further compound the confusion of the condition itself.
it's this train of thought, and a lot more, that led me to write "Legacy" because this immense confusion of aggregate memory and experience is our legacy. -
wow.. a very nice piece.. i especially liked these lines..
we dream their atrocities—their advances and retreats
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
however.. i wasn't sure.. what it really meant.. i seem to get half of it.. lemme read it again.. -
Bold writing
This one draws you in. The only thing is that I would put capital letters where they are needed. That is all but you are taken to the point of being an observer and that is what I like most about anything that I read. The imagery in this makes it a hauntingly compelling read and frankly I find nothing to change about it. This is a classical epic that makes the reader want to read more. -
This is just simply beautiful and divine. I love it. You really did a wonderful job I mean REALLY wonderful. This is really, really well written. I am so glad that you shared this with everyone. I am sure everyone agrees. Anyway, do have a nice day/night!
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good job
Damned fine write. This line though:
the waking world is brim with long forgotten relics
seems to me like it would be better as
the waking world's abrim with long forgotten relics
Otherwise, superb job. -
I know squat about poetry, especially this type of poetry... BUT I DO know what is beautiful... and this is extremely beautiful. I like the way it reads, the way it sounds... I like the way it's all put together. It's incredible... you have a talent, a great one... don't stop using it! Well done! ~Melissa♥
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This is a great poem. I don't know much about the technical aspects, but to me it read easily off my tongue ( I always read them out loud). I liked the repetition of this form, it is great for really getting a point across, and ties the stanzas together nicely. I will have to study more of your poetry and maybe get some understanding of the various poetic forms you use. Great poem!
Toltec Warrior -
Hey this is quite intriging.Thought that this was all-in-one greatness in the making.well done.
Lestat de Lioncourt -
The technical aspects of this poem are beyond me, but I certainly enjoyed the effects of the patterns (rhythmic and visual)you applied.
I read this poem three times. Once through, then once by italic stanza's (or do you call them refrains?) then once by regular font-type.
I noticed the italic refrains retell a long ago battle, while the other describes the landscape and environment (physical and psychological) on which the battle was, and in some ways, is still being waged.
I particularily enjoyed the way this poem played with time, illustrating how the past "permeates" our present on subtle levels.
"their shapes reduced to the dust we breathe from the fragrant air"
How we, unwittingly impact our environment:
"this land is an amalgam of disembodied psyches"
And how our environment impacts us
"an essence rises from the land into our spirits".
There is lot in theis poem to digest, thanks for the read. -
At first I thought the poem was about a battle field site and the emotions that are engendered by looking at these sites- probably because I have been immersed in such studies 'off site' lately. Then of course I realised that you were writing about the 'Native Americans'. I should have twigged this immediately, as this is also a sphere of study, or at least the US Army in the Indian Wars period is another area of study for me. All that said, it works as a universal concept of 'ethnic cleansing', the rape of a culture. This particular culture being a spiritual one that as a theme runs through much of your work. I have not studied the Indian Spirit beliefs in great detail, but know enough to appreciate the point of the poem.
The lay out made me smile. At first I thought it a pleasant whimsy, then it became integral to the sense. The italicised verses were wonderful, like smoke on the wind.
Incidentally, 'mem or ree ' worked fine for me
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Wow. all this technical stuff is a bit overwhelming to me, as I've never really dealt with it before (I'm only 15). But I REALLY like your poem, and this form of writing. Hopefully eventually I will learn enough to be able to write like that. I write a lot and it means a lot to me, but I always jsut write what coems naturally and have *very* little experiance playing with forms like this. I like it, though, and will keep practicing.
kudos on your wonderful poem, you really have a lot of skill! -
Hello again Erin,
My Maternal ancestry consists of a direct influence with the French settlers who married rather often into the Native American tribes who spoke the Algonkian (Algonquian) languages. I am 1/16th Cree by blood but make no specific claim to tribal connection as a personal preference.
Your poem clearly depicts the moral and internal struggle of both sides of the picture by individuals which goes on yet today. I personally have felt such a stuggle with an occasional conclusion that the march across this country during its development was a horrific shame and at other times a feeling that it was nothing more than a part of our manifest destiny where there were battles, we won, and that's it. In the grand scheme of things, I am sure there is a level of concientiousness being raised in individuals like myself that leans toward a measure of understanding things more from the spiritual views that are similar to those most often felt by people in touch with the natural world on some plane. I feel myself drifting in that direction as well. Over all I enjoyed the content which seemed to take this reader deep into that struggle in a non-judgemental way. The form, with its associative parallelisms does this type of content a great deal of justice.
Kind regards,
Del
Edited on Mar 16, 9:55 because ''. -
All the technical aspects have been discussed already, I see
As you know, as I read a poem I focus on its content (haiku is an exception), if I can actually see/feel something that moves me, then I like it.
I liked yours, and think that you've made a very good choice with the refreins.
This poem has a kind of mystical feel in it, and the imageries of nature are very vivid giving a very pleasant sight.
Making it short: I enjoyed this read very much!
Kisses,
Mari
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lol--i actually knew that someone would pick on "mem or ree" in some way. i like to weave a spirit line into some of my poems, actually, and will consciously do so. the "memory" of a2 mixed with the weak third ictus of a1 is the spirit line of this poem.
i'll be taking more and more advantage of the spirit line concept over time. i felt it important to include a spirit line in the weaving this poem because this poem is intended to be a sort of explanational animistic tapestry for the subtle bonds shared by the amerindians and the settlers. -
Hi Erin,
I took a short nap and came back to re-read this one. I suspected, correctly as it turns out, that you had a strong reasoning behind the varied line length and your explanation clarifies it for me. Yes, I am one of those who pronounce it "mem or ee" but when I elide it to "mem'ry" it does read smoother out loud especially.
The pentametric terzanelle stanzas seemed flawless to my ears and it was as much the word choice as the syllable count in that first stanza that threw me, but I see now your reasoning and politely withdraw my suggested changes...
I will read this several more times, as you know, and make further comment at some future point in time.
Thanks again for the excellent and enlightening response.
Del -
here:
a1) an essence rises from the land into our spirits
b ) a touch like the raven’s down dispersed by a maiden flight
a2) that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
a1: . - . - . - . - . - . - .
admittedly, a1 is the only hexametric line where the third foot closes with a minor ictus, and the only hexametric line that doesn't contain a ceasura between the third and fourth feet. i wanted to see the effect. when i read it out loud, it works quite well for me--the language feels natural. when you read my work, remember not to impose rhythm on the lines, but to read the lines naturally, as if they were prose, and let the lines tell you what they are. the villanelle stanzas are all in hexameter while the terzanelle stanzas are all in pentameter.
b: . - . [.] - . [.] - | . {.} - . {.} - . -
the b lines use one of each bracketed [.] unaccented syllable and curly-bracketed {.} unaccented syllable. as i write, i allow that unaccented syllable to fall wherever it chooses. but only one extra unaccented syllable in one of the two predesignated locations on either side of the caesura "|".
a2: . - . - . - | . . - . - . - .
in every other a line, those coinciding with the a2 position, which would also be the a lines starting the tercets that end with the a1 refrain, i allow an extra unaccented syllable after the caesura. all the villanelle tercets are framed in this fashion, allowing me some freeplay, while yet not deviating too far from a workable rhythm.
the one cavaet is probably the two pronunciations of "memory". if you pronounce a2 as i do, then you'll say "mem'ry", and not "mem or ee", however, because that "or" normally goes by pretty fast and the "ee" is at best a weak secondary accent, i decided to try it out and see how people deal with what i've done, whether or not they will intuitively read it "mem'ry" because of the way the meter is setup in the rest of the structure. however, the pronunciation of "mem or ee" isn't so bad that it destroys the flow utterly, just provides a little variety.
Edited on Mar 14, 9:47 p.m. because 'i can't spell'. -
Normally I would comment on the content and the feelings I had stirred in me as a first response to your poetry. However, with this poem, I see some technical aspects I want to address first, in hopes that what I see or suggest will not alter your intent:
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
a touch like the raven’s down dispersed by a maiden flight
that permeates our souls with an otherworldly memory
the variation in syllable count is quite distracting in this opening stanza. I think it could be fixed quite simply, thus:
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
a touch like raven’s down dispersed by a maiden flight
permeating souls with otherworldly memory
naturally this would require making the change each time this line refrains, but to my ear it would not change the intent…
in one ear seethes resentment deep and bitter
reflections of a suffering long endured
and in the other burns remorse as sour
this land is an amalgam of disembodied psyches
its rivers and rocks infused with their enigmatic drift
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
as one hand grips a wound too deep to bear
the other twists a blade that lightly glimmers
reflections of a suffering long endured
we drink of water filled with transcendental engrams
a sense emerges in all who share in its natural course
permeating souls with otherworldly memory
while one arm holds a steady hand for moments
and all the warriors freeze in sober pause
the other twists a blade that lightly glimmers
like sea-mist on the wind our minds are touched by phantoms
immersed in their love and hate—a plight we cannot escape
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
one eye sees arrows pierce men to their rest
another watches bullets drop their targets
and all the warriors freeze in sober pause
the waking world is brim with long forgotten relics
their shapes reduced to the dust we breathe from the fragrant air
permeating souls with otherworldly memory
one hero’s war-lance slaughters human objects
the rage that sent it warm upon the blood
another watches bullets drop their targets
our ancestries are fused in our subconscious insights
we dream their atrocities—their advances and retreats
an essence rises from the land into our spirits
permeating souls with otherworldly memory
each side is long remembered in our veins
in one ear seethes resentment deep and bitter
the rage that sent it warm upon the blood
and in the other burns remorse as sour
I didn't take time to try and duplicate your formatting, so the bold aspect doesn't show all that well but you see my thinking clearly enough, I believe. I will return with some commentary on the content soon.
Regards,
Del
Edited on Mar 14, 9:09 p.m. because ''.
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