Please.
That word.
That magic word.
Please, you whispered
And you gave a different magic to
a lesson from my childhood.
Please
From your lips,
Please.
Icy and hot white across the air stinging yet caressing my nape.
Please.
Like clawing talons tearing to pull me back
yet
an echo of a shadow of
your hand
on my back,
patient with its silent plea to win me back.
Not that you needed to win me back.
You’ve done that far long ago.
Please.
From your lips
Scraping across my skin, my throat, like light and shadow, scuffing my womb;
Please.
Jagged razor yet a feather from angel wings and high-level clouds.
Please.
From your lips.
Like a brick wall falling yet a kiss from the breeze
Please.
Please.
Pleas.
It's just incomprehensible how or why
from your please please please pleas,
I said “No more, please.”
and I walked away
Author notes
Yeah, I know it sucks. I'd like a bit of help
Written March 14th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Kannika bow ako sayo
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oh yeah
i love that
please
please
pleas
it is such a magic word
when that certain guy we...umm you know
he only uttered please
and we become so weak in the knees
ah guys
an their tactics
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It really doesn't suck, I really enjoyed it. I'm not sure about the ending but I don't have any suggestions
Other than that, the rest of the poem was great. Wonderful use of language and imagery, and the repetition worked very well.
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okay, can I suggest just a tiny bit?
remove the parts with 'like' in the beginning, right after that part where you have icy and white hot, then the next one after that where you have 'like' again. It's not consistent, and i think it would look better if you leave it without the 'like'.
also, remove the 'yet' and instead just place a comma or a long dash (ala Dickinson, hehe) which would look like this in the first part: "stinging --caressing-- my nape" or something like that. then the next parts do that as well, don't fragment them or else it would look inconsistent again. there has to be reason for pattern, right?
and replace the adjective "high-level" for the clouds and give us something more gripping. or something we can imagine.
But don't change the ending. I would describe this poem as anti-climax, building it up, heightening the whole thing, then the only way the ending can look would be to slide downhill, right? so i thought your ending was very very appropriate.
Keep writing
Kannika -
wow. i'm very impressed by this poem, its so expressive! wonderful work really, i think i'll o read some more of your poetry.
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Wow. Thank you! And about "the ending [being] a little bit of an anticlimax" - again, wow! You just made me realise how sad it is between the characters; that's exactly what they always have. They try to share a moment but it's usually snatched away from them. Mm. Lovely introspection you've given me. Again, thank you very much!
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I didn't think it sucked- I thought it was really good! I agree with blu that the ending is a little bit of an anticlimax, but this is really good! I loved the contrasts and the cotradictions of these lines:
'Please. From your lips
Scraping across my skin, my throat, like light and shadow, scuffing my womb...Jagged razor yet a feather from angel wings and high-level clouds...like a brick wall falling yet a kiss from the breeze'- great imagery! -
it doesnt suck....the ending could be stronger...but as is, good job. i may like the other version best...(lol)...but i like this one as well...good job.
Blu
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