Sixteen and wanting to die
She was filled with shame
And personal blame
With no answers to why.
A frightened young teen
Abandoned by mom and Dad
Leaving her angry and sad
With no self-esteem.
I held her with my words
As she bemoaned and cried.
I listened and advised
Lifting her upwards.
Now she’s married
Realizing her dream of youth
By at last giving birth
To the child she carried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Used and abused as a lad
In the hidden night
Bringing tear filled fright
From his very own dad.
Moved far, far away
But the damage was done
And the hurt could not be undone
To a child who now forgot how to play.
So I became his brother
At the start of his youthful prime
And I gave to him my time
And tried to love him like no other.
Now he’s in college
And attending my church
Beginning his search
To gain wisdom and knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t regret those I aided.
To see a life altered
From one that had faltered
Left me feeling elated.
Yet my self-centered ego has pain
Wondering where are my dreams.
Who shines down sunbeams
To dry my falling rain?
Author notes
Okay, so I've been in a self-pity mood (as you can tell my this and other recent pieces).
Being in such a mood, I think my lasted writes have sucked including this one. Any suggestions, therefore, for improvement are most welecomed.
Written March 8th, 2005
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There is nothing greater in this world than to know you helped another in their jounrney upward in this life. I loved this and your heart that we could use more of.
love and hugs
~Lena~ -
Yet my self-centered ego has pain
Wondering where are my dreams.
Who shines down sunbeams
To dry my falling rain?
This is a brilliant stanza to end with, and I know so how hard you feel. Just remember you are worthy of the love you give others- but I know it's not the same giving it to yourself. You know, this poem rings so true to me...and it is a dynamic I never understood. I just don't get it. But I have often felt the same way. -
i find it very expressive......keep up
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props...both for the writing adn the action. it is a different rhyme scheme than i'm used to. i'm kinda impatient right now so i didn't fight to get into it...i just read through it. it does seem to be fairly heavy on the rhyme scheme...and that seems to draw the attention away from the message...but then again, just cuz i didn't get into the rythm doens't mean it doesn't have you. you must've felt it when you wrote it. but one thing that did strike me is the emphasis of words and the rhyme scheme don't match up...i would give you an example but i can't see the poem cuz i'm editing my previous comment...but when you have things like that, they pull the reader out of the movie mode that one is in when they are reading a poem, and it reminds them that they're reading a serious of words that are suppose to make sense when put together. did that make anysense at all? its kinda like in theatre, when you break character, or when a prop is left on stage between scenes...it takes the audience away from the picture and the story and puts them back in a seat in an auditorium at a show that they paid to watch. its a skill that's difficult to hoan and frankly...i'm havn't really aquired it yet...well i have in a lot of my peices...but why am I talkin abuot my work...this is about yours. haha! well anyway...i like the ideas behind it and i can tell that you were pulling from some experiences that can have some real deep inner meaning...analyze the text and see if theres any subtext that you can work around when re-working this peice.
overall there was some real nice lines and it expresses nicely...just work on some of the polishing...good write
Edited on Mar 08, 3:13 p.m. because 'didnt' do the peice or the author justice, and you asked for critical comments so i thought i'd help. from an artist to an artist...keep it up'. -
Quite good
Hey! I liked that. Its cool... and it rhymes, which is a rarety. It's a self-centered poem, but not. I really like the format of your poem and esp. the last line. This paragraph is also very well structured. I also like your ability to just say it and say "well...you know..a bad situation". I don't this sucks at all. In fact, i find it to be quite good. -
i think it's great. You should be congradulating herself for putting others before yourself. You took the time to care. Now maybe it,s time for you to just care about yourself
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