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Togeather

She sees him,
      He sees her,
   Their eyes meet,
           Nothing else seems to matter.

Her eyes reflect the heavens,
     His reflect the stars,
   His eyes see Gods,
        She sees the angels.

Together they make up existence.

Her heart holds divine gaiety,
          His lungs breathe exquisite delight.
     As they sit together,
                Watching the world pass them by,
     Their bodies are intertwined,
                        Their souls exist as one.

Author notes

That was written for my friend Marie. She's drawing a picture and she wanted me to write a poem about love so she knew what to describe, and since I have a complete facination with eyes I decided to work that in there. But anyway. What do you think? It's not good in my opnion but that's always my opinion.
Written March 6th, 2005

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • MissMalice
    October 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I enjoy it... it's like whoa... I like the last part of that. Heck yes.


  • troubleteen03
    June 21, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Sweet

    I like the line actually. Breaking the flow catches attention. Catch em off guard and make em look a lil harder. Great write Daryl(did I spell it right???) Keep it up and I'll be checking out more stuff!
    Cheers

    ~Angel~

  • creatine
    March 6, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I think it's quite good. But that's my opinion. I don't like the line "Together they make up existence". I think that you must either expand that into a four line stanza, or take it out altogether. The single line jars.