Year by year the mighty oak stood
Tall and strong for all to see
For 'twas made of the strongest wood
A tower of strength, this mighty tree
Tall and strong it reached the sky
For untold ages it seemed to stand
The march of time it seemed to defy
A timeless mark upon this land
Folks would come from far away
Just to sit and enjoy it's shade
Oft they'd sit and enjoy the day
In its branches the children played
Then one night the wind did blow
The storm brought on a mighty squall
And little did all the people know
Their mighty oak soon would fall
Mighty and fierce, they heard the wind
Rain was pouring and lightning flashing
The fury of heaven did descend
And down that mighty oak came crashing
Before the morning, the storm was through
And all the town came out to see
The wake of that storm came into view
For 'twas that night they lost their tree
Stricken and dying it lay on the ground
And scarcely could they believe their eyes
For all had heard that crashing sound
The fury of God that came from the skies
How could this happen, it looked so strong?
There were no faults that appeared to eye
Something awful must have been wrong
For such a mighty oak to die!
Then they looked and saw inside
The tree was hollow, eaten within
Years ago, it'd already died
How and when did this death begin?
A small little worm had bored its hole
And worked its way inside that tree
So little damage compared to the whole
Of all the beauty the eye could see
One small worm was just the first
For soon there followed many more
Year after year they did their worst
At its heart and strength they tore.
Mold and rot had moved inside
And ate whatever life remained
Dead and dying but lovely outside
Now its fate was fully explained
The fate of that tree moved them to tears
For each of them were wicked men
Ignoring their sin for to many years
Each was hollow and empty within
For they had failed to be pure of mind
More concerned with what others see
To things of heart they were blind
And they were dying just like that tree.
Author notes
Written February 6th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- # 75 A poem of your choice:Recruitment ofQuality Drive by Andantino.
476 points, ended October 29, 2006, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ace's Rhyming Narrative Contest! by AceOSpades.
850 points, ended April 27, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Excellent
Very expressive and potent. Makes you see how much that one little worm did, and how one little sin can lead us to fall. Wonderful job. -
beautiful rhyming poems
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I really like the message and the imagery of the fallen rotting tree... The rhyme is quite good, but the rhythm is spotty in a couple places. The story rules though, and by that alone is probably worthy of an honorable mention.. nice work
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Sorry - but I found this parable overstated as far as the oak is concerned - and unclear as to what you say about the men. Do you mean that they remained unaware of their inner blindness or that the fall of the oak made them realize for the first time that they were dying within. (And if you meant the ambiguity - it does not come over as such).
Regarding the technical side of the poem - you use a number of archaic constructions and poeticisms, which, in my opinion, are quite appropriate to the theme and mood of the poem - if you wish to use that type of language, then you really should avoid modern colloquialisms such as "something awful must have been wrong". Your rhyming is good - though fairly "obvious" (save for the half.rhyme "men"/"within" in the penultimate stanza. but I find the rhythm a little forced - and on occasion I suspect that the archaic use of the verbal auxiiary "did" was due not to considerations of the linguistic "rightness" of this form, but simply a desire to "make the rhythm come right".
In short, you have a good idea here - but you need to work a little more on the technical side, eliminate the colloquialisms - make some cuts in the description of what happens to the tree - and clarify the ending1
This may seem a tedious prescription - but I am sure that if you make the effort you will find the result worth while.
But please - in the future - do remember that not all Allpoetry members - and indeed not all Allpoetry judges - have perfect eyesight, and that for maximum legibility, it is advisable to use BLACK TYPING ON A WHITE OR PALE PASTEL GROUND. -
You wrote in balladic fashion a little sermon really. You sustained the rhyme scheme well. Here and there the meter was awry. Yet, what youi did was a really good try. This stanza was particularly well-managed:
"Stricken and dying it lay on the ground
And scarcely could they believe their eyes
For all had heard that crashing sound
The fury of God that came from the skies".
The insidious nature of evil is brought home well.
Thank you for entering.
Winkie, the genie in the bottle.
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bravo!!!! bravo!!!! at first, i was kinda like "hmm...ok..." and then i finally realized that you had an underlying message in this poetry, which you soon revealed in the ending of your poem ^^ it was fabulous!!!!!!! i love that you put a moral(e??) into your poem ^^ good luck in the contest!!!!!
sincerely, danbee -
Thanks for the kind words from a good writer! Im glad you liked it.
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Finally! This is the best poem for Option 4 I've read so far! Grrreat message! Grrreat rhyming! I love it!
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Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been wondering what to do with the large number of poems I have written. I want them to be enjoyed and be a blessing to others. God Bless You!
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Very deep and powerful, creating an intense look into our lives, through imagary and natures slow fall.
Excellent poem, beautiful to read, and woven with a message.
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