i.
trees pour into the wind, branches
shiver, lean as frowns
lining the sidewalk
tsch-ing our busy steps.
the bare forest's unhibernated passion with winter
a reminder of how easily tempted we are.
ii.
we search of a queen. long forgotten
how to work the land.
ungraceful, we dance into a panic.
famished from our hunger
from the riches we've amassed. flaxen threads
of honey weave prison bars, our feet swell from travel
too far from becoming sweet.
iii.
petals curve upon themselves; thin-lipped
as a frustrated girl, shouldering away
from strokes of gold.
the sun is a playful lover, teases the flower
open, sing her softest songs only to hide
his emotions in clouds of grey.
nature remains a soft-spoken romantic
understanding the grace of decay.
we, the creatures of want
envy mother nature so; we must conquer her offspring
romance the seed, bleed all
stems of beauty, ransack the world empty
until we are properly adored.
seducing trees to undress for us
we offer nothing as a mistress.
l-. (edit mar.4/05)
Author notes
Written March 5th, 2005
A contest entry
- All Natural by Saknika.
350 points, ended March 20, 2005, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I really do love this. I am glad to have come across your work.
With best wishes...
Lea
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Wonderful! The way you wrote about the flower really struck me as something different. Absolutly gorgeous way to write! Truly astounding!
~Sarah -
ahhh i hate you now. because i stand proud with my hatred of poems that have anything to do with "nature" lol but this, i loved. you took it to new levels and you did the I, II, III thing which i love...only when it's done right. and you got it down haha. this is wonderful!
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This is so good. All the varied images you use, and the way they weave together so nicely...it's magnificant! The third one is probably the best, the way it ends so powerfully.
I loved this!! -
wow...i love the ending, the grandeur of it all. you use "we" so effectively when starting the second stanza and the last. it sees so often poets strain for the mighty effect, trying to grasp that kind of magnitude Whitman had in his poems by overusing that "we" perspective. here its perfect, absolutely. my only comment is on the first and second lines of part "ii". near the end of that stanza, you stick "flaxen threads" at the end of a enjambment line. yet above, on that first line, you hang the "long forgotten" with very little direction for the reader, as it makes sense melding with the first part, yet you punctuate like it should be read straight through.
on the second line of the final stanza I only will complain a little about using the "we". it was so strong to start that stanza, why repeat it? the ending is beautiful, though, just incredible; it ties the whole thing up like a season.
johnny
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yes, the third is liquid; line breaks and punctuation are flawlessly placed. the first was almost bang-on. i think 'pour' may warrant being another personified descriptor, like the comparisons that follow it - for contiguity's sake. 'tsch' was very clever, but a little distracting. otherwise, it was splendid. finally, the second was another example of your good sense with punctuation as a means to control the reader's tendencies and make everything clearer. however, i think the word 'from' was distractingly prevalent (but that could be just me)
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Edited on Mar 22, 5:26 p.m. because ''. -
you should have at least placed if not won. facists.
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this was amazing..written so eleoquently. my favorite of the three was the third..the first line about the petals...oh it was gorgeous. i read your poem in altwrite..and i agree. it was amazing. you are a gorgeous writer. i will go read more.
you should come visit.
J -
Very, very lovely. You used great forms of personifiction and onomotopia, or whichever one it is that adds sound. lmao. I really liked the flow too, and your choice of words brough about some superb imagery. I will admit, I was surprised about the sectioning off, but hey, it adds a great personal touch! Great job! Good luck and thanks for entering.
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This is a very beautiful and well-structured piece. Not your average "nature" poem. Nice job! Keep up the good work! Write on and God bless, Sim.
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its really pretty almost sad in a way, but i like it alot
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i love the woven bars of honey bit...
very beautiful sort of a poem.... was very fresh also.thanks! -
This is wonderful...I felt almost akin to what you've sad there...it is very persuasive...a wonderful choice of diction...a great variety of images...it really draws the reader in...You most definately have something here...
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wow...that's interesting. As a speaker for the trees, they tell me you got it right- man does only seem to want nature to work for his needs. We should be working for nature-she got here first, didnt' she?
I love the style, especially describing the flower as a 'thin lipped girl'. Awesome write! -
This is very good..I like hope their's I II and so on..It add soemtihng there!! Great job!! Keep on writng!! You do very interesting work!!
Loveat1stsight! -
this is a beautiful peice, my dear. wow wow wow. I love the way it is written into "chapters", if you will. it's very intriguing and draws the mind in to explore more about the author's personality. wonderfully written, your eloquence with words is clearly shown here. I look forward to reading more of your poems in the future.
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