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for the Hungriest Union Lighting Engineer Oscar

Kryspin's Acceptance Speech
for the Hungriest Union Lighting Engineer Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest hallucinations, I never would have fantasized that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take an epidural and laugh about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda numb

You know, there are so many star-fucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Kali, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the Producers I slept with - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you SURGICAL STEEL, and good night!

Author notes

http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/oscar/results.asp
Written February 27th, 2005

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Comments


  • kryspin
    February 27, 2005
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    thank you for reading several of my writes. im glad you could enjoy them! I'll return the favour later this evening when im done updating SPINDICATED'S webpage


  • joliemere
    February 27, 2005
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    Omg! I laughed so hard. "it's so suspiciously phallic" it seems like all awards are strangely linked to penises these days. Such a true true speech. I'm so touched that you remembered to thank the little people "the hooker"..lol Great write thank you so much for the wonderful laugh!


  • kryspin
    February 27, 2005
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    I'd be honoured! use anything else of mine you like if ever you find something that fits the circumstance

  • chibi-kaiyaska
    February 27, 2005
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    *dies laughing*...would you mind reviving my corpse?
    I'm gonna read this everyday so I can get a good laugh. Hey, would you mind if I printed this out and read it to my creative writing class? I'd give you credit