waves wander in swells
mists dance lightly on the breeze
the kelp-beds murmur
here the waters soak in song
in the wake passing whales
Author notes
featured in:
The Alchemy Post : www.alchemycove.com/ (November 2005)
AP member "gregdov" wrote a tanka called "sea song" in response to my tanka "desert song" and then asked me to comment on it. as i did so i found myself writing this tanka to illustrate what would actually be a stylistic imitation of "desert song" (it's very different from his "sea song") and i decided to post it here.
Written February 27th, 2005
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Comments
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this is really nice i like it alot !
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you had great imagery in this poem i like it and it is about something everyone enjoys
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This makes me want to go to the beach! LOL!
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You have such a way with these forms!!! I enjoy reading your work because I know I will not be dissapointed!
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Nice use of alliteration in this tanka. There they are, two more beautiful images that just catch my breath. "Kelp-beds murmur" and "waters soak in song" I think that one is my favourite. But I wonder, what a comma would do between wake and passing in the last line. The way it reads now, is a bit confusing. But if it is your intent to avoid punctuation, well, to each his own. This is a lovely piece, regardless of commas or the lack thereof.
Maab
Edited on Apr 04, 10:36 because ''. -
Excellent.
Beautiful imagery here.
I particularly like the line :- "the kelp beds murmur". I can almost see the kelp moving about in the swell and making a quiet noise - reminds me a bit of the Ancient Mariner caught in the doldrums in the Sargasso Sea.
I can almost "taste" the salt in the air.
Robin. -
Enjoyed.
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what I liked about this poem is how it describes the many roles and activities water is engaged in, in the ocean setting. each line details something original about the function of water. either it is involved with some movement above or below the surface, or substaining life of somesort. I like this poem because of the use of selected words and the varied messages I could draw from them.
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Very well-written, but it is not a Tanka...it is one syllable short of a Tanka...the imagery is excellent, reminded me of my recent visit to Virginia Beach...watching the whales...breathtakingly beautiful.
--Animaechick
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i love this poem! i love the sea, and i love the water! i love it in the summer when we all get wet. i just love water. and its my star sign.
would love to see more poems like this very soon.
wopuld also love it if you had a look ay my poetry.(please!!!!!!!)
luv dd -
Awesome
This is a most visual tanka...it calls to the senses to smell the salt air and feel the breeze, and really experience the whales as they glide past our viewing screen, Wonderfully done! -
See I am not the only one who likes to make poems short and to the point. I mean who wants to take an hour trying to read a poem... plus doing other things. I DON'T! But I would if it caught my attention. I like this poem.
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I really really enjoyed reading that peice. Although short-it was vivid with Imagery, and easy to read. It sort of a soft flow to it. Great Write!
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aww bummer it wont let me applaud i think i used up all my thingys
well i guess ill give you 2 thumbs up okay ..and a toe 
dont worry its a pretty toe 
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this is so beautiful ..im not sure if beautiful is even the right word for it your talent inspires me ! great job never stop writing okay ..u never know who might be reading your poetry
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cool
so short yet so beautiful erin! really liked it. i honestly prefer depressing poems but this one made me smile. i loved it well done! -
Great Poem
I enjoyed this very much.Paints a lovely picture.i love the ocean.It has so many moods.It is enticing fo a lot of people.good luck and bright blessings -
very nice
As someone said, the "w's" seem to make the poem. It's just the quiet sort of pastoral type that I like to read when it's raining and I don't feel like getting out of bed.
Very nice. -
Im not very familar with Tankas, but I loved the imagery in this, it paints such a vivid picture.
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Wallyrust: the other commenter, Nadir, is someone i think you would enjoy dialog with. by the way, i enjoyed both your and his fun with alliteration. oddly enough, i didn't actually plan it that way, just fell out to be rather alliterative. you might look at "desert song" to see how this poem imitates the style of my earlier tanka.
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One of your other commenters noted the alliteration and I saw it also. I saw a rather interesting use of the "s" sound throuhgout as well giving some credence to the subtle, steadfast and slow moving track of the passing whales.
Wally -
yes...
This is kinda, different for your style, very nice though. the imagrey was great. nice use of metaphor, simple as well...This is probably the simplest peom you've writen! very nice Erin. I don't want to be redundant so, great poem!
stay in touch comment my poetry I promise to comment yours!
-Holly trueblues O'Donnell -
Bravo!
I love your imagery and your grasp of life. Life is an explosion of metaphors and this song this poem has a great way of capturing that. Great write.
-ALiciA -
beautiful
I really really liked this .... you used the the right words to capture the ocean... I loved the line " mists dance lightly on the breeze" it's paints such a vivid picture in the minds and it's beautiful........ excellent job!!! will read some more of your work later!!! Keep on penning..........
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I particularly enjoyed the subtle alliteration of the "way" sound that gently "wander" through the poem as if it were waltzing...gives a gentle lilt to the overall tonal quality as the reader garners a vivid image of the giant mammals making their way to wherever.
Very pleasant read.
Del -
wow this is a fantastic picture of sea....I liked the personifications here......and the idea of songs floating along the waves.....hmm rythmic one indeed!!
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