Splintering, cracking, sighing, swelling
Trickling, heaving, flowing, sighing
Droplets streak the veins of the moldy rafters
Always breaking, creaking, squealing, swelling
Breaking, squealing, creaking, sighing
Roaring, stuttering, whimpering, radiating
Waning, laughing, waxing, trumpeting
Flames flicker, hold gently to the candlewick
Always tugging, dancing, trembling, glowing
Singing, swirling, resting, dying
Between these two factions
A war would break loose
The house would collapse suddenly
And all inside would perish,
Save the father, who would escape
Only to find himself lonely,
always breaking, squealing, creaking,
sighing, swirling, dying.
Splintering, trickling, heaving, waning
On the veins of the moldy rafters.
Author notes
Written February 22nd, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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well, a lot of verbal substantives. the first two stanzas are interesting in that the middle line makes a statement that is modified by two lines of verbal substantives both before and after the middle line.
i'll tell you something, though i can't really be sure what this poem is about, it does bring me to think on my long-deceased father for a bit. some of these verbal substantives seem to define him well:
"splintering" (mentally), "cracking" (pyschologically), "sighing" (after he beat us), "swelling" (ego), "heaving" (in rage), etc...
by the way, did you notice that you used "sighing" twice in the first two lines of the poem, and then again on the final line of the first stanza? this might be part of the scheme, i suppose, but seems a little repetative to me.
so if i get this at all, maybe the first stanza describes in some way "the villain" while the second describes "the victim" in a rather dysfunctional father/son relationship (like mine).
the third stanza actually tells something about the poem. i'm brought to think that the "two factions" may be the father figure and the child, though it could be other things, too, like the father figure and the children (plural), or mother. in a way, i can see the two factions being the father and "the rest".
anyway, seems a bit like my pop... maybe a suicide... my father killed himself, though not by swinging from moldy rafters (though my girlfriend's husband killed himself this way).
anyway, interesting poem. can't think of anything to say about it's structure. seems experimental. also looks like you had a bit of fun with this.
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Thanks, everyone, for the comments, I really appreciate it.
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Honestly I didnt understand fully what this was about. I think it has truly incredeible potential, but the way it is now, is too much, but not enough info.
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Awesome
your very talented keep at it hope you have time to read this comment, seeing as you have so many lol -
DESCRIPTIVE WORDS ROCK
w0w...many adjectives...YAY THESAURUS!!!!!
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this was increadible! I loved it! I'll applaud it tomorrow when I have some applauses left! such a truly lovely, and yet creepy piece...fantastic! oh...I'll applaud it anyway...
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Awesome
I love your alliterationg and repitition. This is a beautiful piece. And very thought provoking in the fact that you want to more fully take the piece in. -
all those verbs really gave me an image in my mind on how the setting and the feeling is in the house. great write and animation, not to mention vocabulary!
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Ooookay... I LOVED it. I really like it when you jumble up a bunch of verbs, it sounds so cool! I definitely enjoyed reading this and think you did a totally awesome job. Rock on!!
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Now that was a garden filled with adjectives you've painted so eloquently, and perfectly together! Excellent pen!
hugs and blessings, Sandi
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very interesting. i really dont know what it is about. an abusive father, or ill father. i dont know. different. good job with writing this.
Blu -
whoa...this is so talented. I've never seen a poem written like this before...like you have just the perfecet amount of verbs and actual sentences to throw a powerful punch. I really can't comprehend it all, because it went over my head a bit...so i wont be able to applaud you like you deserve, but this is absolutly amazing. Fabulous
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Whoa.. all those verbs!! I'm amazed, this is awesome.. I love it.. It shows such a clear picture.. awesome
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