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Fusion (hybridanelle #4)

 

        for Tyler Schell Joslyn (1969—2004)


        stars vibrate through the deeply frozen skies
    and frosted tufts of grass are wakened by the moon
numb fingers fill a simple reed with song

sequoia roots are weaving out into your grave
    a crescent figure sings above the west
        as deep green needles breathe a vapor soft and vague

        these lips blow light and warm against the frigid wind
    high up the heavens whisper cirrus thoughts
and frosted tufts of grass are wakened by the moon

the winter sap is stirred within its sapling grain
    your spirits merge in marriage—ash and wood
        sequoia roots are weaving out into your grave

        this bamboo melody befits the theme
    it wanders with my soul—a tribute seldom heard
high up the heavens whisper cirrus thoughts

throughout the coming years your remnants will involve
    within the mystic bark that mists unwind
        as deep green needles breathe a vapor soft and vague

        i’ll see your branches rise and watch your rings expand
    this song will sometimes touch your living tomb
it wanders with my soul—a tribute seldom heard
   
how blessed you are to dream beside this evergreen
    to nourish life in such a humble way
        sequoia roots are weaving out into your grave

        the wind subsides until the air is still
    and silent steam escapes the resonating flute
this song will sometimes touch your living tomb

your arms reach out like prayers into the arching void
    whence rain and light provide a rich reward
        as deep green needles breathe a vapor soft and vague

        how can i help but tremble—chilled within the heart
    stars vibrate through the deeply frozen skies
and silent steam escapes the resonating flute
    numb fingers fill a simple reed with song

    now meditate in rest amidst this planted grove
transformed into a disembodied wraith
    sequoia roots are weaving out into your grave
        as deep green needles breathe a vapor soft and vague

 

 

Author notes

to learn more about the hybridanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/1086828/all=1
Written February 13th, 2005

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Comments

1 - 90 of 90

  • raggyann
    May 23, 2006
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    this poem specks volumes
    you write with such heart

  • raggyann
    May 23, 2006
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    this poem specks volums
    you write with such heart

  • Princessreeree
    February 11, 2006
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    Strikingly Beautiful!!!

    Erin Thomas,
    Thank you for sharing your words with us all! I am one that is blessed to read your words. They minister to my soul as my husband passed May 26th and things are very differnt now, I am learning to breathe again, and that is a most challenging place to travel to and through. This one lin speaks mountains to me: "numb fingers fill a simple reed with song." Thanks again, I look forward to reading more of your thoughts and words.
    Princessreeree

  • Kay Laon Anders
    January 20, 2006
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    This makes dying sound less scary. It makes it sound like we live on through others like that man this poem is for lives on somehow through you. "The stars vibrate", that will be something I think about everytime I look at the sky now. Thank you!

  • Zahhar gold member
    January 3, 2006
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    "bamboo melody", so far as i understand, is a literal translation for "bansuri", the hindi name of an indian flute. i've been learning to play them for awhile now.

  • January 2, 2006
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    I find simple moments and visions to enjoy. The following is the one here: "bamboo melody". I can't tell you why but those two words together are perfect in structure, imagery and "sound".

    Jake

  • Elfin silver member
    November 26, 2005
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    Hi Erin, Janis is my AP sister, and this is a beautiful tribute to her late husband. A WORK OF HEART. God bless you both xx

  • xxRISING
    October 4, 2005
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    mystifying

    wow, erin... this is crazy good. it brings me there. it literally does. i can close my eyes and remember night like that, just without the grave and with a native american woman playing the flute instead of me doing it.. it warms me, actually, thinking someone can put themself in a place like that and put it on paper with a chill that can bring others there. its a very vibrant piece to me- an attention getter through all of its serenity.. if that makes any sense. the rhyming scheme- interesting, i havent read something exactly like it before, let alone written. i love the pattern, as well... emphasizes what needs to be remembered at the perfect times. excellent write, and i would love to read more like these from you.

    -your OR buddy

  • Em
    September 25, 2005
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    Very beautiful how you captured the circle of life. It's relaxing and vibrant all in the same. Great stuff.

  • the video game poet
    September 19, 2005
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    Very nice

    Im in awe... well done

  • Side Salad
    July 12, 2005
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    Excellent

    A really technical poem, very well written and very interesting. Some good parts and nice flow.

  • July 9, 2005
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    I'm speechless. I'll have to comment when I find words. Lovely as always.

  • ChristopherMatsen
    June 15, 2005
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    :)

    Awesome and an original way of looking at death. Keep up the good work. I'm going to read some more of your poetry this week

  • FutureState
    April 28, 2005
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    pretty nice work.

    pretty nice work, you could go pro.

  • Ziana
    April 27, 2005
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    extreamly cool check out some of mine for a 13 year old i love cnstrctive critasiom(sorry for my spelling)

  • Runawaytrain
    March 20, 2005
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    You have some amazing images in this, as well as profound metaphor. I like the way you have juxtaposed some images against ones that seem to contrast, such as the sequoia roots and the bamboo.

    Sequoia Nataonal Park is in the same county I live in, about a 45 minute drive away, and I am always partial to poems that mention them.

    This poem creates a rather haunting sort of image.

  • Zahhar gold member
    March 17, 2005
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    SA: ah! you have been here before. sorry i forgot, but i'm glad you enjoyed this a second time. this is a pretty meaningful piece to me.

  • Sandi Alford
    March 17, 2005
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    I'm back for an encore of this pristine piece...it was actually the second poem I read when I arrived here at AP.

    It touches the heart and the senses again as I hear the wind breathing through the trees, and the single reed resonates it's lament. I know the word 'beautiful' is so cliché, but this is what I see..one of the most beautiful dedications I've ever read. It really shows the compassion that fills your heart.
    Wonderful work!

    blessings, Sandi

  • Rj
    March 11, 2005
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    First and foremost I think that this is one of your best works I have read to date. Your texture is rich and somber and the read speed carefully measured throughout. Getting the texture and brightness right in each line is critical to a write like this. Within the framework of the hybridanelle, this is just as good as it can be. Although the repetition in a hybridanelle makes a timeline all but impossible, it does have a strength at really reinforcing a mood if done well. And you really got this one right.

  • Duana gold member
    March 1, 2005
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    wow, this both haunting and beautiful. I can see why you had me read this- or at least I think. Just incredible how you weaved together the human spirit with the cycles of nature. I think I already reccommended this book to you when you first came to this site- but you really would enjoy, I believe 'The Gardner' by Estes. It's a superb tiny little book that can be read in an hour or so. Anyway, thanks for the magnificant read. I will have to remember to come to your page more often.
  • Vialokin
    February 27, 2005
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    This is a wonderful poem. You work magic with words. The poem conveys such a feeling of an endless cycle, our human remains being recycled in the never-ending chain of nature, birth, life, growth, death, and the cycles of the changing seasons simply reflect the same patterms.

  • Blessure Mortelle
    February 27, 2005
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    pure awesome
  • folie a deux
    February 27, 2005
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    this is truly excellent, the way you out a perspective on death, that it is more than just the horrible sadness of loosing someone, but it is also perhaps peaceful and beautiful, returning to be one with nature as we die. I loved the repetition (sequoia roots), it gave the peome good flow. i also liked the way you shaped the stanzas,Lovely
    Edited on Feb 27, 2:23 because ''.

  • February 26, 2005
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    I love the hybridanelle as I have said before, and pulling it off without being redundant is really a feat.
    If you truly want to showcase the style I would suggest using the regular villanelle rhyme scheme. It would be more difficult, but I feel the rhyme is essential.
    As for the wording of the poem, I will just go with "it's beautiful." I feel too lowly and peasant-like to give this a real critique.

  • lightwithinyourdark
    February 26, 2005
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    this is a really great poem! the description in this created such imagery that it was amazing. you obviously have alot of talnet. i enjoyed reading this aton. anywho, awesome write, so keep writing, and have anice day!
  • Ninque-Aiwe
    February 26, 2005
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    Ok. I can't describe this. It's beautiful, and so realistic. I dunno, just take my speechlessness as a compliment.

  • dycz
    February 26, 2005
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    Damn Ship... (p) is supposed to be (t)... wow!! im impressed with the flow of the piece..... greatwrite.... can't wait to put you on my favorites.....

    thank you for sharing it with us!!
    more power!!


    -dycz

  • Lovely Luci
    February 26, 2005
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    Bravo

    Interesting structure of your poem indeed. It is extremely cool, and only adds to the overall greatness of this poem. My hat goes to ye for a great piece.
  • Wallyrust
    February 26, 2005
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    Just a quick note to let you know I returned to this marvelous piece of poetry to further examine the structure. A close friend, who asked to remain anonymous, informed me that this was indeed a new form invented by the author. I am most favorably impressed with the manner in which you have woven the Villanelle and Terzanelle to produce the freedoms of language you employ in this piece. I am off to read your analysis column which I already know will prove equally fascinating.

    Best wishes,

    Wally

  • souls color
    February 26, 2005
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    great imagery. i like a lot!

  • masterblaster gold member
    February 26, 2005
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    Excellent poem, great use of words and a truely wonderful flow, this is such a good poem and the feel was so easy on the mind,a write to be read over and over again through time, this goes on my favorites, it was a great pleasure to read, wonderful
  • ecrivain01 silver member
    February 26, 2005
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    great job

    Having lost many friends over the years, to suicide, murder, car accidents, diabetes, cancer, overdoses, strokes, heart attacks and who knows what, I found this extremely touching. I also admire the adept way you have handled the rhyme and structure of this piece.

  • Knocklegoggin
    February 26, 2005
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    wow. you made me cry. a very close friend of mine died a couple of months ago and the 'humble' nourishment bit really touched something in me. found it very comforting as i do live quite far away from where my friend is buried and i often end up visiting when it's already gone dark and there's something of that in your poem. Thankyou very much....

  • Titus gold member
    February 26, 2005
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    Excellent!

    i told you this was Brilliant! I must have put some luck your way in that I put it on my lead page. You thoroughly deserve the credit on this peice.

  • Scindr
    February 26, 2005
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    I really enjoyed this poem. The depth of the words was astounding and the reality of the poem as a whole was equally as moving. We all do die, we all do become part of the Earth below. What a brilliant write.

    The form you have choosen was just perfect for this poem. The way that you put the two together into one poem was just a brilliant stoke of genius. The rhymes did not seem forced and the repetition was hardly noticable in this poem. Just excellent.

    Thank you for sharing this poem and I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on penning poet.
  • Eric Nunnally
    February 26, 2005
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    Interesting

    I appreciated the content and was struck by the form, which I haven't seen before. It kept my interest, if only to become familiar with it. I was curious, however, as to if this piece referred to the graves of one or three?

  • Kimojuno
    February 26, 2005
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    I quite enjoyed reading it, although I doubt I got the full effect of it being I was talking to some people while I was reading it, so I will be bookmarking it and coming back later (may or may not comment then) but just wanted to note I was here and all that.
  • catwomen
    February 26, 2005
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    AWESOME

    Wow, this poem is awesome, i love it, very well written, keep on writing.
  • Diabolikal Sins
    February 26, 2005
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    Wow!
  • Wallyrust
    February 26, 2005
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    I was only a few lines into this when I was keenly aware that the author of this piece has some very sharp memories of the suicide that prompted this write. I agree with one particular commentor, that there was an almost celestial feel to the convolutions of time and space elements...as if the writer was going beyond the reality of the event itself to the aspects of how the sudden loss will affect him and his personal environment both from a physical standpoint and from a mental standpoint. (a spacial cognizance, if you will.)
    Your use of language, or more specifically, your employment of numerous prosodic devices whereby you replace end rhyme with assonance and phonological paralellisms is well done and makes the poem read more like a story or perhaps even a song. I would like to hear such a poem being chanted...I believe it would make for a hauntingly interesting piece.

    Best wishes,

    Wally

  • EdgeOfEternity
    February 25, 2005
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    the imagery is vivid and very detailed. i enjoyed reading this. good job.

  • gothchyld
    February 24, 2005
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    Such lucid imagery - it potraits the peace yet a tinge of sadness from death. It is a gift to deal with death so serenely: keep it up!

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 24, 2005
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    ziniicecream: i feel like you have seen deep into this poem and my intent behind the poem. writers like it when this happens.

    be blessed, at peace, and prosperous.

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 24, 2005
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    mtpoet: ponder how the prosodic, end-line, and refrainic schemes could influence the closing of this poem.

    @-)

  • ziniicecream
    February 24, 2005
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    Gorgeous

    I've read this piece but a few times, so bear with a novice writer writing for the first time.

    I appreciated this write. I abstain from writing in any particular meter, but I think you know how to use it appropriately without something sounding like its been constricted to its form. I will honestly say this poem is very beautiful. It reminds me of how when we all die, our flesh will slowly turn to mush, organic matter filling the cavities of earth, to make anew, new boreal forests, food for detrivores and the sun will come to pass over it all. This poem paid a thoughtful homage to the nature of death, as rebirth and a welcome coming like the seasons. Living in the desert, one falls in love with the arch of moonlight, the crevices of dirt when there has been little rain, our near brushes with death when the floods come and rains make wildflowers bloom, cactus' swell. I have read a few other works of yours and know you spend a tremendous amount of time crafting your work. That is a blessing in an AP world of mostly hack writers who rarely try hard enough.

    I loved the way you carried images of the moon, cirrus (clouds?), sequoia roots throughout the poem. The interwoven texture of sky/heavens/celestial atmospheres with that of what dwells on earth itself gave this piece an other worldly/mystical feeling that is spiritual and heart felt.

    I will return to this piece soon.

    Much love,
    Farzin

  • mtpoet
    February 24, 2005
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    You master the 12/10/12 lines with vivid images and when you deviate to 12/10/12/10 you do so at the end, exiting from the page not soft and vague at all...

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 24, 2005
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    bluffinlv: English? What's that?

    I ain't speak no English; I speaks Americish!

    lol

    Anyway, I'm glad this poem could touch you in some positive way. Thank you yet again for your very encouraging words.

  • DelWarrenLivingston silver member
    February 24, 2005
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    Now that you have enlightened me on what inspired this write I can take a moment to comment in a bit more lucid fashion. In the early stanzas I felt like this was about the departed soul, but I see it is more about the author who seems to have found a way to finally express his feelings on the tragic loss of the departed. The playing of the notes, the description of the "living tomb", and the mention of the "entwining of roots" all point me back to the narrator and his inner sense of discovery of understanding. I see now why you had to agonize over word choice because it would all seem too forced to have made everything simply rhyme, so the choice of this Hybridanelle form was the only answer. I am sure I will extract even more as I read this a few more times, but I did want to come back and offer some more thoughts since I was so far out in left field at first. I shall return sometime soon.

    Del

  • Adios Muchachos silver member
    February 23, 2005
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    Dear Erin,
    Very beautiful!
    I have thought for some time now that" If the subject of a poem is of import and worth to the writer, the poem will practically write itself"!
    I know you did your homework on this, but more, you wrote about what you care about. And 100 revisions would not better the poem if the subject meant any less to you!
    I've read your work for only a short time, and can only reiterate what I've said in the past......
    "I'm glad SOMEBODY knows how to speak English around here"!
    Regards,
    John

  • Lily of The Valleys
    February 23, 2005
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    Erin, this was the most poetic poem that you have. Early poets used nature as poetry and you did the same in this poem. It seemed that, from what I was reading, you were describing a utopia... perfectly peaceful. Like the person that had died and was in the grave left the world with something great that keep the poetry flowing. the world had not forgotten him. I loved this poem and I can tell you worked VERY hard on it. I wish I was a poet like you!
    stay in touch comment my poems I promise to comment yours!
    -Holly
  • Monigue
    February 23, 2005
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    Amazing.

    Beautiful. I usually like free verse better then structured form, but this is obviously a masterpiece. The delicate imagary coupled with the subtle emotion woven into the poem make it soft but also moving. You are obviously a master at what you do. Great job.

  • Piccola gold member
    February 23, 2005
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    let her go..LOL

    great write..wish could applaude....

  • February 23, 2005
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    good

    hmmmmm very well written that is for sure and filled with emotion also. hmmmmmm interesting very interestin. lol ummmmm well i don't know what else to write except that your poem had lots of emotion and it like gripped me and told me to keep reading. very good poem poem poem poem. who invented that word? I like that word a lot but i dunno why to tell you the truth. lol well i g2g Byen

  • February 23, 2005
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    Very nice imagery with this poem! It was really good! I enjoyed reading it, I could shut my eyes and just FEEL everything you were conveying. Good job I love it!
  • mysterydocter
    February 23, 2005
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    wow that was really great. It reminds you of going on holiday. Though I must admit it was a little creepy. You've definetely got lots of talent though Gr8 imagery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jaden silver member
    February 23, 2005
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    As far as experimentation goes this is one of the best places for it (AP). And yes, All I meant was 'free verse'-- iambic or otherwise.

    Interesting projects you've chosen for yourself. A labor of love, I'm sure. Good luck.

  • sanity silver member
    February 23, 2005
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    I have been reading the comments between yourself and Jaden, I must say that I agree with your defence of this form, I agree with Jaden in as much to say that there are those that try so hard to get the form perfect that something is lost in the portrayl of the meaning of the poem. I have to say that this is not the case with your wonderful tribute here. I applaud your fence building and wish you all the best........

    take care

    sanity

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 23, 2005
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    Jaden: when you say "blank verse" (non-rhyming lines in various flavours iambic pentameter), do you mean "free verse" (anything goes)?

    well, my fence is my project. the first fence i built was a fence of ghazal pickets that was two years long. this fence is a fence of villanelle, terzanelle, and hybridanelle pickets that's going to ultimately be four years long. my next fence will be made with pindaric ode pickets that will also be four years long. after i'm done with building these three fences, i'll explore some ideas that i've been taking notes on and will have taken notes on during the fence building projects.

    i look at my poems each as experiments, except for rare occasions, such as "A Christmas Poem" (under the list "Asymetrical Free Verse"). although these poems are experiments, i seek to find the full potential of each experiment so far as i am able, so i don't slack off, give up on, or make compromises with these poems. this poem here has reached something close to its full potential. for this i am gratified and content. it was important for me to honor the deceased. i feel that i unwittingly played a part in putting him over the edge that ended in his suicide. not a big part, but a part nontheless. i see the world with the eyes and mind of an animist. as such, i know the importance of honoring the dead and making peace with their spirits. this poem accomplishes this between me and the deceased, and it adds a picket to the fence.

    so there's a little background to where these structured poems are coming from, and what's behind this poem in particular. i do write free verse (and blank verse; see "Balancing Hook & Pan" for an example under "Acrostics"), but my current fence-building project is focused on the three forms i mentioned above. i seek to accomplish what can be accomplished, what is ultimately possible, within these three forms, for better or worse. it's a long-term self-training excercise.
    Edited on Feb 23, 6:34 because ''.

  • Jaden silver member
    February 23, 2005
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    I think what I was trying to get at, and keep in mind this is not in disagreement with your extremely valid and well-spoken argument, is that you you are so comfortable with these type of forms and contructs that you might have erected a beautiful fence around you, but a fence nevertheless.

    We're no longer talking about this poem, are we? You're right, the poem would be something entirely different had it not been built with these familiar building blocks. I know, judging from the level of your intelligence, you don't need me to tell you that you choose certain mediums of expression by deliberate choice. . .from my standpoint though I can see there's blank verse in you wanting to get out.. .of that beautiful fence.

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 23, 2005
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    Jaden: i was thinking about your thought:

    "I believe, hold your ideas and images back, rather than letting them go where they want to."

    you know, this poem couldn't be what it is without the form. the thought process, the journaling, the contemplation, the meditations on imagery, the revising, everything would have taken a different course. i think that when a poet gains a certain degree of comfort with a given form, the content and the structure begin a sort of dance. first the content leads and the structure follows. then the structure leads and the content follows. sometimes they mirror one another in choreographic interplay. sometimes the structure carries the weight of the content, swinging it round and lifting up. other times the content carries the weight of the structure in the same fashion. it is truly a dance.

    without the structure, this poem doesn't exist.

    what i would have written if i chose to take a free verse approach wouldn't even begin to touch what this poem has become. the ideas wouldn't have developed, the imagery wouldn't have evolved, the process of refinement and distillation never would have taken place. the content and structure here compliment one another, not just on the page, not just to your eyes, not just prosodically, not just phonologically, but from the very begining of the process to the completion of the poem the dance played out eventually to choreograph the outcome and visual effect of this poem.

    for some poems, this one especially, the content and the structure are inextricable. they complete one another. it is the molecular structure of steal or clay in the sculptor's hands. it is the natural structure of wood mixed with the carver's creativity. it is the medium of watercolor and oils for the painter, or charcoal and pastels for the drawer.
    Edited on Feb 23, 3:55 because ''.

  • Jaden silver member
    February 23, 2005
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    I appreciate that perspective and your position as well. I can also relate to the younger child or the younger self if you will, about its importance as a personal, evolving means of expression. You're on a quest. I applaud that.

    Concerning the poem itself, to me it works to a certain degree, but then falls short. I'm referring to the expansive qualities of the poem. The "hybrinanelles," I believe, hold your ideas and images back, rather than letting them go where they want to. It's fine line, a really fine line if you want to know the truth, but it's what I see, sense, and feel about this particular writing. The construct has its good points and bad points. I do not dimiss the power of repetition the hybrinalles offer. Repetition of strong phrases and images have a unique way of capturing a readers interest and building tension in a poem that is healthy once the premise becomes clear.

    I'm addressing the overall effect it had on me. The poem is strong, stands by itself, but has that one thing that is bothering me. . .

    Good job, nevertheless.

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 23, 2005
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    Jaden: oddly enough, the work is in the patience with a piece like this. i wait. i journal. i reflect. when the right ideas come to me, i jot them down. ideas that don't seem to fit the point of the poem i let go. in time the poem manifests itself, bit by bit, piece by piece, line by line. i don't decide that i'll be using end-line alliteration in the villanelle weave as i start the poem; it just happens and i go ahead and stick with the scheme once it manifests. likewise, i don't decide alternate between endline partial alliteration and endline partial consonance in the terzanelle weave; it just falls out this way and i adhere to the scheme once it makes itself manifest.

    all i can tell you is that, yes, the work can be seen by those who are willing to see it. the work in shakespeare's poetry is apparent, and milton's poetry--tennyson's, service's, dorr's, campbell's, many others. poets who wrote over a hundred years ago and are still read and appreciated today.

    i'll share with you something from an email to a disdainful emeritus professor whom i had some disagreements with:


    ----------(from email)----------
    Part of my study of poetry has included learning what it is about poetry that has moved me specifically. What was it about poetry that saved my life and my soul as a twelve year old? What was it about poetry that gave me something to hold onto and live for during the darkest times of my life? I've been thinking about this and carefully assessing this through the years, long before I actually began my all out study of poetry. I know certain things about the mechanics of poetry and poetics that work to really affect me personally. Those are the things that I am most interested in naturalizing, evolving upon, and ultimately speciating. There are some areas here where I have come to feel pretty comfortable with my understanding, where i will not be persuaded to think that this is what has had such powerful effects on me in my life when it was that. I know what has affected me. This is part of what I wish to really understand about poetry. I am learning as much as I can not for the sake of being an erudite master of poetry and poetics, but for the sake of really understanding what it was that could reach an utterly destroyed twelve year old and instill in him the will to live and learn. This is what I wish to emulate, but in my own way, and further developed upon so that the evolution of these particular aspects of my mother tongue are brought forward a little.
    ----------(from email)----------

    not sure why i felt compelled to share this with you. i think it might have something to do with the way you’re looking at the form rather than the poem, the structure rather than the content. i’ve been careful not to let my education in poetry ruin my ability to appreciate and be moved by poetry. i think this happens all-too-often. i think this is what happened to the professor the snippet above was written to.
    Edited on Feb 23 because ''.

  • Jaden silver member
    February 22, 2005
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    Now don't get me wrong, but what I see here is a lot of attention to detail, fine wording. . .and (this is going to sound so weird) hard work. And that's the problem I see with it...it comes off as so, for want of a better phrase, 'labor intensive' that I had trouble relaxing into this piece. Maybe that's what happens when a writer gets so intense keeping to the form and structure (hybrid or not) it rubs off on the poem. Does that make sense? It's purely an intuitive thing on my part, but to appreciate poetry, in my view, one should be open to the magic words create. . .and what I'm saying here there is more 'work' than 'magic' even though this is a brave attempt.



  • MadonnaWayneGacy
    February 22, 2005
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    Great

    Awwww this is a very sweet poem. This is the perfect tribute to him. I think if anyone else was to do one.....it would not be anywhere near as great.
  • social-chaos
    February 22, 2005
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    Excellent

    That was amazing!! The imagery...wow. You have quite a talent! I love how you repeated some of the lines throughout this poem. You achieved keeping the reader captivated the whole way through. Wonderful Job!!!

  • Mystical-Gardenia
    February 22, 2005
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    Awesome! Two thumbs up!

    Awesome! Magnificent imagery this is haunting call of nature, the soul, the tribute is magnficent! Truly, a captivating piece well worth being read time and again!

  • APoeticDreamer
    February 22, 2005
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    This was a really good piece. I rather enjoyed it. Keep up the awesome job. It was a truly awesome read.

  • p b without the j
    February 22, 2005
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    :D

    w0wness...that was deep and meanigfull and captured nature and whatever other emotions that i missed...i liked
    "it wanders with my soul—a tribute seldom heard"...that was a good line...and VEEEEEERY awesome adjectives!!!!

  • BattleOfBlood
    February 22, 2005
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    I am in awe, this makes me want to run outside and dance along a path in the woods. This was simply beautiful, and I am so glad you shared it with us. I really feel the need to run outside right now, so I will go do that. Wow, amazing poem. Keep up the great work.
  • Christopher
    February 22, 2005
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    outstanding> great write.

  • Fiore
    February 22, 2005
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    beautiful. I lose words.
  • Stephanoodle
    February 22, 2005
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    This should be a song. Very real. I want to be a part of it.
  • Waterdog77
    February 22, 2005
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    Truly beautiful work. You have a a gift. A gift that sees beyond the outer shell. I enjoyed how the poem flowed and embraced the reader with every word.
  • Diabolikal Sins
    February 22, 2005
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    I don't understand quite why u use a line more then once but it was great. I could never write like that be all people should be rewarded

  • CarterTachikawa
    February 22, 2005
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    Such a beautiful tribute to someone. I'd be pleased if anyone wrote something like this for me. That form looks really difficult too and you pulled it off well. Great verses. It gives you a nice feeling. I enjoyed this a lot. Keep up the good work!

    ~CT

  • Sandi Alford
    February 22, 2005
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    Erin, there are too many vibrant verses to quote a favorite, And the form in which 'FUSION' is written is Fantastic! Being a child of nature myself, I must tell you, this piece moved me beyond words..Outstanding pen! Blessings, Sandi

  • Harpagonis
    February 22, 2005
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    I think you're really on to something with the combination of villanelle and terzanelle. You've woven them together into something really beautiful. The whole idea of it has come a ways from "The Spirit of Wheeler Camp", and I like what it has become. The imagery here is something to be cherished. I wish I had a critical comment to make, but as usual, I have none.

  • ilovemygrape
    February 22, 2005
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    Rather awesome. I like the repetition, mainly because it's repeating the best lines in the poem. Nice natural imagery... It reminds me of my childhood when we used to attack each other with marsh reeds. Ahhh the good old days. Anyway, this was a rather marvelous poem, very spiritual and... stuff.
  • x garamChai
    February 22, 2005
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    Oh this is just so lovely...the form is really wonderful, the words are just exquisite...the usage---and it flows just so nicely...such a lovely poem, much love

  • PiratexxLove
    February 22, 2005
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    wow

    this is a wonderful piece
    i really like it
    this is just creative and wonderful
    keep up the great work

  • QueenMaab gold member
    February 22, 2005
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    Thank you Erin for such a lovely tribute to my husband. It is a great honour to have such a talented poet spend so many hours and lost sleep in your driving effort to complete the poem. My children will love to know that mommy's boyfriend cares so much for their lost daddy. They won't come to understand this poem for many years, but I thank you so much for writing it with them and me in mind. You've pulled off another incredible variation of the villanelle and terzanelle poetic forms. I am in awe of your ability to share your innermost feelings through words so that others may know of my husband's memory and in the sequoia tree, his spirit will live on.
    Bless you.

    Jenna Joslyn
    Edited on Feb 22, 3:14 p.m. because ''.

  • ca ne fait rien
    February 22, 2005
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    IMHO I think after several readings that your have reached a new peak with this poem. The only thing I initially had puzzlement with was in stanza 6 line one the word 'involve' but I know you would not have chosen it arbitrarily, and now I understand the nuance. At least I think I do. The cadence of the bamboo pipes weaves its way hauntingly throughout , emphasising the 'fusion' theme. The sequoia as ygdrassil, or any other 'tree of life' philosophy , death being returning to it to nourish it further is a concept close to my own 'beliefs'. As usual, I am overwhelmed by the complexities of structure and content to gather my thoughts sufficiently intelligibly for a first critique. Every single line stands powerfully alone, as if indeed a branch or root of the sequoia, of life, of death, as wind in the pan pipes.
  • Mellor
    February 22, 2005
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    Wow, what an extremely complicated form this looks, though you make it look easy. There's obviousley been a lot of time spent on this one.
    I liked the way that repetition fitted with the atmosphere in the poem. The whole thing had a feeling of quietly upsetting familiarity.
    I'll try and return for a longer comment, sorry.
    Excellent, very well done!
    Mellor x

  • myrataal silver member
    February 22, 2005
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    Poetry par excellence

    Refined work, using poetic devices in a subtle way -- I am impressed by the beautiful implimentation of tactile and textured word paintings. An apt form to celebrate the soft echo of a new presence and of relived memory ...

    Yes:

    "this bamboo melody befits the theme" ...

    Well done -- enjoyed.

    Myra


  • DelWarrenLivingston silver member
    February 22, 2005
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    I also hope to see an e-mail with a half dozen Ghazals...hop to it kiddo...lol.

  • Circuitsboard
    February 22, 2005
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    Touching. I see so much poetry that is written just for writing, without that subtle talent that rolls emotion through the reader.
    Very well done. As ever, humbled by your gift.

  • Zahhar gold member
    February 22, 2005
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    Nadir: you're getting back on track in being the first to comment. you'll see an email that describes the full inspiration behind this poem.

  • DelWarrenLivingston silver member
    February 22, 2005
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    Hello Erin,

    Quite an undertaking here...it will take some time for me to digest and comment on the technical aspects of this production. Suffice it to say, for now, I recognize most of the prosodic devices you have employed and can easily see the very hard work that went into this.

    I get a feeling this ties in with the "Phantom of Wheeler Camp" somehow...although I would have to re-read that piece to be sure. I get the distinct impression this is about someone becoming one with the growth of new forestation...someone who departed and may have been buried under suspicious circumstances. I guess I will have to see what your comments are to confirm or relinquish my feelings.

    You hard work has paid off as another fine Hybridanelle, my friend,

    Del
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