you made your promise
as out the window
we admired icicles
dripping away
towards the sea
Andrew Hide
22~02~05
Author notes
Written February 22nd, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
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i am enjoying how obvious it is to readers that they bring their own experience to the viewing ... i wonder how you feel when someone hits the nail on the head, and perhaps sees more of the real you than intended ? .... i always read from emotion .... this one was very emotional, optimistically sad ... a lovely write >>>> EM
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I want to study this style more.
I must say that I am intrigued by this form and read it because it was a tanka to understand a form that I have not as yet developed. You did very well on this and I think that it carried a great deal of meaning in it. That background works too and shows what having a cold heart involving love is like an icicle and promises go out the window. -
good to see u back and on form Andrew
col -
I am terrible at forms, terrible but this is beautiful, it shines in the dark. Really wonderfully done.
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hi.. I liked it very much.. I dont know why..I felt as if I'm involved in this one... its lovely..
Keep pennin' such beauty!!
Luv
Neha -
short yet very sweet and well written, great job, keep up the good work and do not stop writing, lots of emotion in so few lines
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wow, beatiful poem, I think I read it differently to most of the other comments. Saw it as a hopeful poem, the promise made as warmth that melts away coldness (and the icicles) between two people leading a way to something better. Anyway, really enjoyed reading it and learning about a poetry form I knew nothing about!
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Hi....Your Writes Are Deep And Thought Provoking.
I'll Be Back To Read More, Thank You For Generously Sharing Such Great Poems & Along With That WISDOM.
Nice Job You're Truly Talented!
~Angel~ -
Brilliant work
Hallo Andrew --
I do not agree with most of the above comments. For me there are TWO very positive words in this tanka: promise and admired ... The dark background and the reference to the outside coldness, and the icicles and ocean, stressed the minuteness of man and nature against the Unknown.
There are many ways to interprete this wondrous poem. One may be that there is a sad departure ahead, but silent serenity for "Summer will soon be here and we will become part of his Ocean".
Magificent interplay between man, creation and seasonal change.
Love
Myra
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This has a sweet melancholy about it for some reason. Not sure why I read it that way. Perhaps it's because the type of poetry style is still pretty much unknown to me. Yet, I loved the way it flowed and brought a deeper train of thought to me through the words chosen. rose
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Excellent
Is it the promise of something that goes out of the window....with the chill of winter breathing down as icicles dripping sadness....we each read a different meaning into words that were meant to convey one thing but is perceived by others to mean another.... Very enjoyable
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Another simply wonderful tanka my friend. I really love the use of icicles in this. What a perfect setting... and a perfect way to tell the story. This one has layers and layers for the reader to ponder and enjoy. Very nice Andrew.
Don -
Superb!
This reminds me of two people making a promise, yet the suggestion of iceicles dripping could mean that the promises will go the same way as the iceicles... come to nothing!
Background and the color of the font go well together here.
Well Done!
~Katie~
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Wow. this makes me wonder if the promise made was one that will melt away like the icicles or if it is just the opposite. I like it when the readers are sort of left hanging in suspense. Good write.
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Ok, I've never been much for Haiku forms and since I've just heard of this new form from the different class's offered I just have to say this dosen't seem much different. Now yes, there are rare occasions when I come across a Haiku that actually makes me feel...that, that feeling you get when you've read something truly genuin, but it still isn't often.
Anyway, in this first line I see that you started it off with a sort of mystery, you never say just what that "promise" is but I suppose that was your whole purpose, right? Ok, good start, but then I get to line two, and you start it off with "as," are you comparing it? The "promise" to when you talk of the window? Because if you are it sounds like a hard simile to follow, and way to vague, if not, than I guess I just plain out don't get it. It would be nice to have it explained...perhaps? The rest of the write, however, is beautiful and I admired the imagery, but still, it did not move me, as some have said it did, I don't see the deep meaning, maybe because the subject is to vague, and I really can't understand whats so great about this form, but I guess thats why I've decided to take your class. Not for kicks, but rather to extend my appreciation for Japaness poetry. I've tried lots of forms (My favorite is the French Triolet) but I think I should stop avoiding something that dosen't make sense to me, and try to make some sense of it. Whenever class's start up again I would like to participate. We'll see what happens. -
there is a touch of strange joy and sadness of darkness in this... I like it very much Andrew, the background suits the poem.. Keep penning...
Lonely~
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Hmmm... very nice. Sigh. Show off!
This is really quite breathtaking in all in sadness and splendor. What else is there to say?
♥ Kimberly -
I think almost eveything has been said. I'm merely going to applaud.
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Nicely done...
Yes, this is a sad one very well put down with a good visual setting for the reader to see the tanka and feel the pain of the poet as he/she reads it. The background adds to the reader's mood as well and gives a sad feeling overall. The kakekotoba pivot or bridge has blend the Kaminshu and Shimonoku very well together. To me this feels like the promise made has melted away just as the icicles melted into the sea. Very sad end to most of the promises people make in life. Yes, to me, this resonates very well.
-Charishma -
Ooh. Heavy with lyricism. Really captured the moment that held hearts clenched with emotion. The word icicle has become anonymous for me somehow with such promise. Like, 'Same time next year, we'll meet again.' Or by spring, we'd still be together. However, the thing that really makes this beautiful is that it has this ephemeral feel to it. Towards the sea has this violin-effect for me, like the zoom out for the camera. Heartfelt, Andrew. Heartfelt.
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syllables that bring us together
Marveling upon this beauty ~each time .I did not hear the stillness of sorrow.I guess it just drew me into a sweeter spirit of providence. The virtue of a fine twilight ~~~ -
This reminds me of a saying in my high school band days: "All glory is fleeting." Meaning: Enjoy the moment for in the next moment it will be gone. The icicles gives it a cold sad feel to me. Oh, your background adds to this write very well. I'm a big fan of the overall theme of a work. I believe everything put together adds to or takes away from the readers experience. I love your choice of backgrounds for this particular write. Dark, greyish, streaky.....it gives me a cold feeling. A wintery feel. Excellent write bud.
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I think you have perfected the tanka as a sad love story. Were the promises as fleeting as the icicles?
A sad commentary on so much of life really.
Susan -
nicely done Andrew to me this has a slightly dark air to it the opening with a promise yet like the icicle so many promises just melt away and eventually run to the sea
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well, this has quite a feel to it. You draw the reader right into the moment immeditately with L1....... vivid imagery to follow up the opening that leads us to a strong, effective ending. Great moment well expressed. Tanka are the best form for love poems etc.... concise... appropriate.
Don
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