Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Tranquility

The crescent moon lights the sky
My mind races in circles
Like spirits with wings who fly

The blue sky turns like the seasons
My eyes begin to collapse
Wondering of life’s true reasons

The wind cries like the dead
My thoughts unwind
Life is as thin as a thread

Author notes


Written February 20th, 2005

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • lurch
    April 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    thanks

    Hey thanks for the comment. You really couldn't make up your mind there. The last line of your comment is good enough. I'm not gonna really change anything on my poem because the poem was expressing my feelings when I wrote it, and I don't want to change any of those past feelings; if that makes any sense. Again, thank you for the comment. Keep on writing.

    -lurch

  • GatheringBlue
    April 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Your last line is strong; I really love it. The only things I would change would be switching "spirits with wings who fly" to "spirits with wings that fly." I know that you're talking about the spirits flying but I think 'that' sounds better, mostly as I don't know that spirits are all people. Umm the other thing was you don't wonder of. I'd say take out the of and make the line simply "wondering life's true reasons." Oh no, that's won't do either. Fuck. Alright, how 'bout "questioning life's true reasons?" I don't know if that changes your intent, but it fits anyway. If you really want to go edit happy, "my eyes begin collapse" is a little strange, but in a cool sort of way so I'm conflicted on whether or not I'd change it if I were you. That's all, and I really do love this, don't ever add anything to it: It's beautiful.
    Edited on Apr 10, 8:15 p.m. because 'cause i'm a silly fuck'.

  • Spoken Voice
    March 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    it's spooky, but makes you think, i really like this cuz night time freaks the shit out of me, i'm weird, i know, anyway, awesome write, can't wait to read more!

    *tener*


  • Watuwant silver member
    March 4, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, good imagery here, and a kind of melancholoy yearning for.... something...
    Nice job!
    peace
    doug


  • Stac
    March 4, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    good job and good luck.

  • XXLoNeLyPoEtXx
    March 3, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    cool poem, i really liked. my favorite line was this 1>"The wind cries like the dead" Its weird and yet cool to think about. GOOD JOB! and good luck in the contest!

    sam


  • lurch
    March 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    thanks

    Thanks. This contest was a great one. Have fun judging.

    -lurch


  • Somnium
    March 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    The personifications and metaphors in this are nicely done. Very beautifully written. Thank you for entering and good luck.

  • lurch
    February 20, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    thanks

    Thank you. I liked your poem as well. This contest was sorta easy. You dont have to think so hard. I like writing poems that have great meaning in such little length. WRITE ON!!!

    -lurch


  • thewriterwithin
    February 20, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I really like this. I wrote a poem about the night. AH.. It's this contest.. lol I entered this contest as well. This is a really good poem. You're a great writer, keep up the good work. I hope you write more so we could read your great work.

    Well Take Care,
    ~-Jasmine-~

1 - 10 of 10