In the depths of deep midwinter
Two jews came to a pub
"Have you got a room?" asked Joe,
"My old woman's in the club."
"No we're full; so piss off Yids,
We don't want you lot here,"
So they went round the back
And she dropped the bastard there.
Happy Birthday Jewboy Jesus
You ugly little sod;
We don't give a fuck for you
Even though your Dad's a god.
Three kings brought him gifts and goodies
Worth a pretty packet;
The shepherds washed their socks that night,
Puzzled by the racket.
Thirty years went by
And Jesus seemed quite lazy
Until he packed in carpentry
And then went fucking crazy
Happy Easter Jewboy Jesus;
You are a stupid sod;
Nailed up to old Pilate's cross
Though you claim your Dad's a god.
Author notes
I hope you will enjoy this. I am a teacher and I teach all my pupils to sing this. They love it.
More Christmas thoughts at www.allpoetry.com/poem/1026816 .
Written February 17th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Original and Unique by apparenttrust.
500 points, ended April 11, 2005, 34 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What a lovely Christmas poem? Yes?
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Dear dreamer-ing: yes, I do.
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i have to say that i am not a believer in god or jesus or whatever religions out there...it doesnt matter to me. but i still have respect for those religions even if i dont agree with them. i personally find it rude to mock someone else's beliefs. you have an odd sense of humor
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Dear J: I am not from the Midlands. I loathe and scorn the Midlands. You are right to be dubious about my sex, but the ultimate secret is to be found in allpoetry.com/poem/1651379 and my place of residence is revealed at allpoetry.com/poem/1499739 .
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fuck it, i got 8 points from my comment so here is your applause
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I love how as soon as something is written that flies in the face of Christianity it is because you are "bitter". It couldn't possibly be because you have at least half a brain in that oh so witty head of yours and see The Bible for what it is, a load of unbelievable, nonsensical rubbish! I am aghast at how seemingly intelligent folk believe such tripe. I know that it is all about symbolism and meant to be a guide as to how we should live our lives and I don't doubt that if everyone in the world lived by the bible it would be a better place, but they don't and never will, hence the murder that has been committed in the name of our loving God. I have a poem about the contradictions of the bible, so many have slated it but not one has answered it satisfactorily, I know it is about interpretation but how can "Thou shall not kill" be misinterpreted to mean anything other than "don't kill anyone you fucking arseholes" regardless of their beliefs. I shudder at the blind ignorance of some fools. I fucking love this poem Edna, I fucking love you. If I didn't have sneaking suspicions that you are indeed a man I would ask for your hand in marriage. I also have a sneaky suspicion you are from the Midlands and I escaped from Wolverhampton to mate with someone without a "brummy" or "yam yam" accent so that at least my children have the chance of sounding intelligent at least.
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Clever!
Wow! A totally new approach!I appreciated your sense of humour and though it might offend some I think you did a fantastic job.A great flow and the imagery is just amazing!Good luck in the contest!What happened to your Sweet Love? -
i thought so. you don't seem the hateful type.
and i agree with you about organized religion -
I don't "hate" Jesus; how can I hate someone who is dead and of no importance to me? His jewishness is totally irrelevant. I dislike all organised religions as they delude fools into living pathetic lives grovelling to their non-existant gods and goddesses. I loathe evangelising idiots who keep rabbiting on a load of garbage and trying to impose their belief systems on others. I hope that is clear. And the poem is not one of hatred, but of mockery of a hymn.
Edited on Jul 18, 3:35 because ''. -
do you hate Jesus because he was a Jew, or do you just hate the religion that bears his name?
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You appear to be mad. "The obvious existance of God" (I repeat your spelling error for amusement, anyone with a brain knows it is "existence") - how on Earth is such a crazy concept "obvious"???? And who the FUCK is Patrick Swazye, some obscure no-brain philosopher? Benine is very fucking funny.
Edited on Jul 17, 6:41 p.m. because ''. -
Are you an atheist? While on the one hand, I can support no organized religion, because I think they are all wrong for reasons Patrick Swazye stated quite well: I also find it impossible to deny the obvious existance of God.
I would say that you are very prejudiced against Christianity for all you claim to be benine(sp). Not that I care deeply, I believe it is probably one of the more dangerous religions.
Andy -
And others have no sense of humour.
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the fact that this is even posted at all is tragic indeed---
some people have no taste what so ever........
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Voltaire was un lapin tres intelligent, je crois.
Incidentally I find your use of the word "irreligious" interesting as it implies (I think) there is something wrong about not being religious and that being religious is the norm. I would have thought it's the other way round. Taking another pair of words: rational and irrational; irrational is clearly "wrong".......... Interestingly being "irreligious" is by definition "rational" and vice versa. Just a thought. Language is fun, isn't it?
There was no bitterness in the poem. It's a jest aimed at pointing out the logical inconsistencies of the christian faith in a caring and light-hearted way. Best atheistic wishes to you! -
righteous rant
I don't really find it offensive as much as I find it sad. Not that your handling of the technical aspects of the poem weren't good, but just that there is so much bitterness in this. I agree with Watuwant in almost all aspects. I guess being a liberal, I'm not all that easily offended by things that give the radical rightwingers heart attacks. (Not a bad idea that).
Anyway, congrats on getting the gold. I think you were possibly just lucky and found somebody who's as irreligious as you are to give you a gold trophy. I'd venture to say that few people would have done that. Anyway, Voltaire was right. If people aren't free to speak their minds, it's not a free country. So write on.
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I am utterly astounded at receiving the GOLD cup in your "utterly original" contest; I accept the poem is original but I was surprised it would win anyone's accolade as it is (let's face it folks) slightly offensive to some. Thanks again!
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hahahaha i loved this, thanks for the entry
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I'm glad that you cleared up how this poem was an opposite as I was slightly confused but it does make sense. I was not too keen on the language as because it was referring to religion some people could find it offensive but because it was a good write and really well thought out I'm overlooking this this write makes me think purely because I am religous and it's interesting to see how people think of the story of Jesus etc good write keep it up x
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I sit here laughing out loud, literally, at your ability to create such joyful work. And I mean this with all sincerety because to me, many of these christians do need a good kick in the ass.
That being said, I do wonder from where your, dare I say... bitterness, comes from. Not that it's any of my business but the thought did creep into my head.
Historically speaking, there is great logic to jesus having been born during those times and conditions. Alas, man's ability to fictionalize and mythracise (new word?) our beliefs has turned this religion against what the man jesus himself taught.
Peace, and god speed! lol
doug -
Amen
To elucidate: this is not strictly speaking intended just to offend sensitive adherents of christianity (although it may do so). It is meant to point out the illogicality of their faith in a satirical way; think: an almighty being fathers a son with a jewish girl, organises he should go into his dad's business and then gets him nailed up. Logical? Credible? Well, no.
Edited on Mar 06, 5:54 because ''. -
jesus hates you because you think he's a sod! lovely, great, terrific poem. etc and so on. i love it.
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Brilliantly offensive - well done!!!!
Molassis above has hit the nail on the head - this is intended to get a rise out of christians and to wind them up a bit, which is fair enough seeing they spend so much time going on about how great their lord is. If you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen is what I say. I love the idea of the kiddies singing along to this - I've been trying to work out what the tune would be but my knowledge of hymns is a bit rusty. Can you tell us?
Edited on Feb 23, 8:27 because ''. -
This is interesting, although I think it's written to simply get arousal from Christians. I'm sorry that you have a bitterness towards God, truly I am. I will say that you did a good job writing this poem, it's got a good structure, form and meter to it. Your rhyme scheme is good as well. Have a good day! ~Melissa♥
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WEIRD CITY above!
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A teacher of what??? When you call pots black because pots call kettles black and you are a kettle... aren't both pots and kettles as black as one another and only pointing out that verity to one another? Just a thought man... don't CRUCIFY ME. The place where Jesus was supposedly born was located on the bottom floor of the houses where people normally kept their livestock safe from the elements. It would be like your basement and not actually some kind of outbuilding. It is merely supposed that there were three wise men because of the three gifts they supposedly offered. If Jesus was God's son... then so to are we all.. which would make you a brotha. So sorry for your bad luck dude but don't ya know when you point at someone you have one finger pointing at them while ther are three pointing right back atcha? INTERESTING WRITE fer sure
Edited on Feb 19, 5:37 p.m. because ''. -
omg this poem was beyond amazing, i regret using upp all my applauses because this one truly deserves one, this is amazing
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if thats the case, then I will applaud it!
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Thanks for your comment. The poem is mocking Christians who couple unthinking belief in a very unlikely story with bigotry against people of other faiths (and intolerance of those who are atheists and agnostics).
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I'm not religious though I do come from a Jewish family. I don't think I understand the point of this? What exactly is this mocking? Jews? Christians? Please IM me back.
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Oh yes, the kiddies sing along happily, we are a very progressive school.
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sorry but i don't like this at all.... i am religious and i think this is quite blasphemus. i'm sure it's some peoples cup of tea but it certainly is not mine. on the plus side i guess the flow is good and the rhyming is very natural. lolly
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Don't you think this poem is a little blasphemous, and especially to teach it to young kids, im sorry but i can't agree with your comments in this poem, but keep on writing.
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Applause, applause, applause!
Incredible! Amazing! Very very funny!
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