Her Wrath ended our passion
Never showing any compassion
Her and hers show Envy towards my life
Thinking theirs is full of strife
Down the Lane of Lollipops
To the Land of Gumdrops
There’s a Girl and Friend
Whose Envy has no end
Friend was ugly while Girl was beautiful
Their friendship was bountiful
One day, Boy put this friendship to the test
Boy chose the beautiful Girl as the best
The ugly Friend, both of mind and body, grew jealous
The sexy Girl and hunky Boy became targets of her malice
Friend pondered deeply in her abode
Inventing the No Dating the Guy I Liked First Code
Quite low and crude was her offense
Leaving Girl and Boy hurt and with no defense
Friend’s influence strong, the Girl fell
Forced into her own personal Hell
She became envious of the Boy’s life being better
His vivacious love failed and didn’t matter
Author notes
Written February 16th, 2005
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well er, thanks for entering, but theres nothing wrong with being ugly you know, I'm very sensitive about such things and dating a guy your friend liked first is an incredibly bitchy thing to do unless you've been given permission!! but still good write in many ways.
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Well, I thought it was an extremely good poem. The imagery in it and the way the words flowed together were absolute amazing. Write on. ~~SpydurPoet~~
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First let me say that the picture you used is awesome! I love it. I enjoyed the intent of your poem, to describe this unfortunate failed romance. It took some effort for me to keep straight who was who, but other than that I think it was a great write!
Lorena -
I appreciate your idea and effort behind this well though out piece and do hit the fact that you've intended this to be metaphorical.
The intent was set right, but I'm afraid, this loses out on many other factors that comprise together to create good poetry. For instance, your rhymes are forced. I often rhyme my pieces too, but rhymes when forced, drains away the beauty from a potentially good piece.
The inconsistency in the flow, inconsistent line break and line length, interrupts the delivery of your story and at some point of time it ended up in rather crude humour, which I'm not sure was a part of your intention.
Anyways, do try working on it more for I see potential in a 'now' rather raw piece...
All the best! -
very very good
very very well put together! I enjoyed reading this very much! very very nicely done! -
Fantastic job!
Wow, this is really good, fantastic job!
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