It seems to me that I discover truth at the most inopurtune moments.
Upon starting a relationship, I discover those that would have given anything to have had the same chance, the same ones who never said yes to any dates.
Should I end a relationship, I discover those that I felt intimately connected to do not truly care, or I mispercieved their comments.
And now that I have begun to attempt to repair a relationship, though repairs are indeed slow if coming and I am still frustrated beyond belief, I find that those who showed no intrest may still care.
Perhaps it's the pills I take to keep me from reliving the Worst Best dream I've ever had. Perhaps I've deluded myself this far into believeing that others care for me, just so I can pretend there is still compassion for me.
Tell me, why is it possible to Love more than one person in a non-familial way? Why must I be torn betwixt two who are now becomming better friends than I would have imagined.
Is it possible, to leave on, go to the other, and still have all friendships maintained? Is it worth risking years of friendship for a chance at possible happiness and self satisfaction.
Sex has absolutely nothing to do with any of my thoughts, though I'm sure on a subconcious level it is a factor. I am male and therefore am flawed after all.
I was once told that a quote from one party in certain was, and I am paraphrasing to keep animosty, "I hope he leaves her and asks me out". Whether the phrase was truly said remains a mystery, for if it were true it is no longer meant, I am sure.
I was always told we would be given one chance, one moment to find our soul mate. How many souls have been tethered around mine. There is one who would kill herself, if I told her to and turned my back. There is one who wants me around, but is afraid to go against all that she has built herself up to be. There is a third, who keeps silent and hopes from the shadows. And there is a fourth, who doesn't even know she has made herself known.
My question to all involved and all who chance upon the Editorial is this:
What, In God's Name, Should I Do?
Author notes
These thoughts have been bothering me for some time, and I just needed to get them out in the open.
Fuck Spelling
Written February 15th, 2005
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Oh, spelling is of no importance I assure you. If it was, well, all my things would suck. You're not the only one confused, dear, and the only problem that we all have is keeping quiet when we should speak, and letting 'petty' fears and jealousy get the better of us. I'm beginning to think that I'm better off alone because I seem to make everyone around me misrable with my aparently callous attitude. I snap, I push, hit, and pull away when I start to feel unsure. I know these things, and yet I still do them. Why is that, I can't say but I do. No offense can be rightfully taken for emotion, dear.
~Sephy J
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