Exposé of a Poetic Editing

Poem under scrutiny:
"To Drink of Poison"  by  xDead Poeticx

And sights do wondrous eyes see
Upon the breath of a lover's kiss.
Oh, but thy beauty
Brings fire to my lips.

I stray not from thy path,
But indecision leads the way.
Rocky roads, do we tread
To absolute heaven betrayed.

Forget-me-nots, dear lover,
Upon one's caustic hearth?
Angered, though thy passion
Finds a lover's worth.

My fire restored, but
Thy lips forever marred
Against strong words.

Oh, but forgive me,
Won't thou, please, if
I drink of mortality again,
Vowing to forever be thine,
As the final drop soaks in?
 

 First we must see if we understand the story:

Lovers at first, then one is undecided, the other turns cold,
the first one warm up again, is ready for vows, and must get the relationship going again…

OK. Remember, it is not the story we are evaluating, but the words that convey it. The story is just fine. We must keep it as is.

Now let’s begin evaluating. No, I did not say ‘edit’, for it may not need any!

STANZA I
And sights do wondrous eyes see
Upon the breath of a lover's kiss.
Oh, but thy beauty
Brings fire to my lips.

‘And sights do wondrous eyes see’
Should be
‘And sights do our wondrous eyes see’
otherwise the reader is not drawn in, and is done with this poem.
and what sights? You need a qualification here-
“And what sights do our wondrous eyes see”

’Upon the breath of a lover's kiss.’
I hope it’s not bad breath! The reader may be considering this and will be repulsed here if he just ate a cheesesteak heavy on the onions...
Maybe add ‘sweet breath’… or even more unique, ‘quiet breath’…
And just ‘a’ lovers kiss? What happened to the reader and you? How about ‘my’.

'Oh, but thy beauty
Brings fire to my lips.'

The “Oh, but” is kind of corny. Maybe ‘Thy perfect beauty’
But ‘thy is corny too, maybe just ‘Your perfect beauty’…

You’re already kissing, and hence already on the subject of lips, you need to take the reader further on this journey- maybe
‘Brings fire to my bosom’… no, that doesn’t rhyme with ‘kiss’…
to my… to my… kiss… kiss… hmm



let’s try the online rhyming dictionary… 

‘amiss, bliss, bodice, dismiss, hiss, kiss, koumiss, kumiss, miss, princess, remiss, swiss, this‘,

hmm. What a sucky rhyming dictionary!

Maybe “A lover’s embrace’ will be easier to rhyme with…

abase, ace, airspace, apace, backspace, base, bass, birthplace, boldface, bookcase, bootlace, brace, braincase, briefcase, case, chaise, chase, coupes, crankcase, crawlspace, dace, debase, deface, disgrace, displace, dogface, doughface, efface, embrace, encase, enlace, erase, face, firebase, fireplace, footrace, grace, headrace, headspace, incase, lace, lactase, lightface, mace, millrace, misplace, notecase, outface, outpace, outrace, pace, paleface, place, race, replace, retrace, scapegrace, shoelace, showcase, showplace, slipcase, smearcase, someplace, space, staircase, subspace, sucrase, suitcase, tailrace, thrombase, trace, typeface, ukase, unlace, vase, watchcase, wheelbase, whiteface

Oh, yes, more options here anyway… let’s see… many humorous possibilities, but this is not a humorous poem…

ah, vase has some possibilities… let’s try it:

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
Upon the quiet breath of my lover's embrace.
Your perfect beauty
Brings fire to my vase.

Well, I think we both can see several problems here!

First, vase, of course.
Second, there aren’t enough syllables in ‘Your perfect beauty’ to keep the meter going.

So let’s roll up our sleeves…

‘Upon the quiet breath’ doesn’t make enough sense. No one can sit on breath.
How about ‘amid the quiet breath’.

Now the ‘Your perfect beauty’ syllable problem, how about
‘Your beauty is perfect in my eyes’,
no, eyes have already been used in the first line…
‘Your beauty is forever perfect to me’.
OK, that even rhymes with ‘see’.

Now that pesky last line that brings fire to something…
‘Brings fire to my gaze’. Hmm, maybe.

Let’s see how it looks:

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
Amid the quiet breath of my lover's embrace…

Problem already with ‘my lover’s embrace’, you're taking the poem away from the reader again, and he/she is going to leave. How about
‘our loving embrace’:

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
Amid the quiet breath of our loving embrace
Your beauty is forever perfect to me
And brings fire to my gaze.

Problems: ‘to me’ isn’t very poetic, and the last line needs work.

How about ‘Your beauty is forever a perfection for me’. OK.

Now the last line, hmm…
‘And brings fire to my passionate gaze’.

Let’s see how it looks:

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
Amid the sweet breath of our loving embrace; (note the addition of appropriate punctuation here)
Your beauty is forever perfection for me (note dropping of ‘a’, courtesy of Microsoft Word)
And brings fire to my passionate gaze.

OK. Burned out on that one for now.
Let's move on to the second stanza.

STANZA II:
I stray not from thy path,
But indecision leads the way.
Rocky roads, do we tread
To absolute heaven betrayed.

I stray not from thy path,
You don’t need a comma at the end here, it stops the reader, who may at this point leave.

But indecision leads the way.
Contradiction here, first you said you stray not, now you’re undecided. Must fix. But how… how about
I strayed not from thy path,
But now indecision clouds the way
(got rid of ‘leads’ the way, because how can indecision ‘lead’…
and added ‘now’, which shows a change of course…

Rocky roads, do we tread
Don’t need the comma, unnecessary pause,
which requires from the reader more energy than he may have left…
also need a more poetic image, like
‘Rocky roads we wearily tread’…
OK, let’s bring this line into the present:
‘Rocky roads we now wearily tread’…
OK, wearily doesn’t fit here. How about
‘Rocky roads we now uncertainly tread’…
yes, since this is a time of uncertainty for one of the lovers…

Wait! Only one lover is uncertain, so it should be
‘Rocky roads I now uncertainly tread’

To absolute heaven betrayed.
This can now be changed to
‘and our absolute heaven is now betrayed.’

Let’s see how it looks:

I strayed not from thy path
But now indecision clouds my way (from ‘the’ way to ‘my’ way, since it is only your way that is clouded)
A rocky road I now uncertainly tread- (changed to one road and added dash for pause)
Our absolute heaven is now betrayed. (got rid of extraneous word)

OK. Let’s move on.

STANZA III
Forget-me-nots, dear lover,
Upon one's caustic hearth?
Angered, though thy passion
Finds a lover's worth.

You know ‘hearth’ is on a fireplace, so just use ‘heart’.
Caustic doesn’t emote anything-
being a part of the world of acids in chemistry

’Angered, though thy passion
Finds a lover’s worth’
doesn’t make sense here- it doesn’t fit the flow of the story-
it is implying the second lover has already forgiven the uncertain lover,
making the rest of the poem unnecessary…

what to do… what to do…

and what is the significance of ‘forget-me-nots’, and why here?

Let’s make it work:
OK, the second lover had a love for the first that he wasn’t going to forget,
but now it is wilting… let’s work with that idea:

Forget-me-nots had adorned thy heart
Your love I had and could not fail
Now angered,  your flowers begin to wilt
your passion begins to slowly pale.

OK, changed a lot of words here, but stuck to the flower in the story…

STANZA IV
My fire restored, but
Thy lips forever marred
Against strong words.

First question, to keep three lines or have four lines… let’s see what happens first…
So we know that the uncertain lover is returning now…

My fire restored… how about ‘returns’, because who or what restored it?
That would require another entire stanza to explain that!

As my fire returns
I find your lips forever marred…   forever? Too final!
Remember, you’re supposed to be making things right now!

As my fire returns
I find your lips still marred, nah, still isn’t poetic enough,
how about
I find your lips silently marred
Against strong words… What strong words? That makes no sense here… we need a completely new line, or at least another one involving ‘words’…
hmm…
And must make amends
With loving words.

OK. Might work. Let’s see how it looks:

As my fire returns
I find your lips silently marred
I must make amends’
With loving words.

OK, not enough syllables again. Must fluff it out!

As my fire returns and my love is certain
I find your lips are silently marred
I make amends with loving words
And now we need a word that rhymes with ‘marred’!

Let’s visit our sucky online rhyming dictionary for some help…
backyard, bard, barnyard, barred, bernard, blackguard, blowhard, bombard, brickyard, canard, card, chard, charred, churchyard, courtyard, debarred, diehard, disbarred, discard, dockyard, dooryard, farmyard, fireguard, foreyard, freightyard, garde, graveyard, guard, hard, jarred, junkyard, lard, lifeguard, mansard, marred, mudguard, nard, pard, petard, postcard, regard, retard, reward, safeguard, saleyard, scarred, schoolyard, scorecard, shard, shipyard, sparred, starred, steelyard, stockyard, switchyard, tarred, unbarred, unmarred, unscarred, vanguard, ward, yard

again, a lot of humorous possibilities, but we must resist…

and restore our love to one unscarred…
and live happily ever after in a fancy postcard…
and now barbeque in our messy backyard…
and now live in our lovely junkyard…
and your love I will never again, like a fool, discard…

OK, maybe we need a synonym to ‘marred’,
let’s see what we have to work with…

Blemished, flawed, stained, disfigured, spoiled…

Lets try ‘stained’ since it’s one syllable like ‘marred’…

abstain, again, airplane, arcane, arraign, attain, bane, biplane, birdbrain, blain, bloodstain, brain, butane, cain, campaign, cane, chain, champagne, champaign, chicane, chlordane, chow-mein, cocaine, complain, constrain, contain, coxswain, crane, dane, deign, deplane, detain, disdain, dogbane, domain, drain, elaine, emplane, enchain, engrain, enplane, entrain, explain, eyestrain, fain, feign, fleabane, floodplain, forebrain, gain, gawain, germane, grain, henbane, hindbrain, humane, inane, ingrain, insane, jane, lain, lamebrain, lane, main, maine, maintain, mane, membrane, methane, midbrain, midpain, midplane, migraine, mortmain, mundane, obtain, octane, ordain, pain, pane, pertain, plain, plane, profane, propane, ptomaine, quatrain, rain, refrain, regain, reign, rein, remain, restrain, retain, retrain, sane, seaplane, seine, skein, slain, spain, sprain, stain, strain, sustain, suzerain, swain, tearstain, terrain, tisane, train, twain, ukraine, unchain, urbane, vain, vane, vein, vervain, volplane, wain, wane, warplane, wolfsbane

hmm, a lot of crazy stuff here…
let’s see, lips are stained,
love now on high octane? No. Let’s pick out a few good words:

domain… ordain…pain…attain… rain… slain… contain…

and our love is bonded as if it were preordained…
Now on our love it will never rain…
Now I’m your domain…
Now our love is all that love can contain… attain… without the pain… cannot be slain…
Now our love, oops! I just noticed, there’s another stanza, and we can’t finish the story here!
Now our love grows in the rain. OK. Let’s see how it looks:

As my fire returns and my love is certain
I find your lips are silently stained
I make amends with loving words
Now our love again blooms in the rain. (note last second change)

OK. Let’s move on to the last stanza.



 


LAST STANZA:
Oh, but forgive me,
Won't thou, please, if
I drink of mortality again,
Vowing to forever be thine,
As the final drop soaks in?

Let's better connect it to the rest of the poem:

So now forgive me, would thou’st please,
If I be but mortal and drink of mortality
You can see I vow to forever be thine
And now we need a word that rhymes with ‘mortality’.


Let’s use the original word ‘again’ and make the third line
‘If I be but mortal and change my mind again’
so we can keep the last line, slightly modified:
‘As the final drops of love soak in.’

Let’s see how the last stanza looks now:

So, forgive me now, would thou’st please (note last second changes)
If I be but mortal and become uncertain again (note dropping of extraneous words and last second change)
For now I vow to forever be thine
As the final drops of love soak in.

OK, let’s see how the whole thing looks:

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
Amid the sweet breath of our loving embrace;
Your beauty is forever perfection for me
And brings fire to my passionate gaze.

I strayed not from thy path
But now indecision clouds my way
A rocky road I now uncertainly tread-
Our absolute heaven is now betrayed.

Forget-me-nots had adorned thy heart
Your love I had and could not fail
Now angered,  your flowers begin to wilt
your passion begins to slowly pale.

As my fire returns and my love is certain
I find your lips are silently stained
I make amends with loving words
Now our love again blooms in the rain.

So, forgive me now, would thou’st please
If I be but mortal and become uncertain again
For now I vow to forever be thine
As the final drops of love soak in.








OK, let's reevaluate the title next.


"To Drink of Poison".

It doesn't fit the story. Maybe
"A Love Returns, Battered, but True"
OK. Maybe "My Love Returns Battered but True". Yes. Better.


 


Done. Now let's see the whole thing with the title:
(remember- same story, different words)




My Love Returns, Battered, but True

And what sights do our wondrous eyes see
amid the quiet breath of our loving embrace?
Your beauty is forever perfection for me
And brings fire to my passionate gaze.

I strayed not ever from thy path
but now indecision clouds my way-
A rocky road I uncertainly tread
Our absolute heaven is now betrayed.

Forget-me-nots had adorned thy heart
Your love I had and could not fail
Now angered,  your flowers begin to wilt
Your passion begins to slowly pale.

As my fire returns and my love is certain
I find your lips are silently stained
I make amends with loving days
Our romance again blooms in the rain.

So, forgive me now, would thou’st please
if I be but mortal and uncertain again
tho' now I vow to forever be thine-
let my final drop of love seep in.



Note: number of edits so far since it was "done": 26
(a punctuation mark here, a word there, a rhythm fix, formatting, a more tender thought...)
(compare it with the second-from-last version without the title)



Now let's see if it stands the test of time and to the future hypercritical gazes of pesky poetic editors...



OK, that's the way I edit. Now YOU try it!







Oops! Must go pick up kids from school... Gotta go. Bye!