I'm beginning to wonder if :: IT’S :: me who puts you so, so,
Out of place, out of context,
but never out of mind
& I’m starting to think it’s :: FUNNY :: how words seem
to fail you when you can't disregard
how a slow smile cracked your lips
Or :: HOW :: It
Never seemed to
matter at all.
And I can never be sure if :: WE :: really speak or if
the director decided a voiceover was paramount in
the end, but I miss you when I bring him home.
To lie without :: SLEEP :: but at least not alone.
I’d die to purge my skin of the candy kisses
you left dripping from my lashes-
To rip off the filters- :: TO :: take deeper drags on these
desires- To fly to places only you have seen,
as the smoke rapes this night
where you promise you :: DREAM :: of “Better Things.”
Brighter days and simpler girls,
reflected in your distant eyes,
protecting you from distant skies :: BUT :: I’ve lit the stars
to lead you back to the shelter beneath my
blood-bone-uncertainty, the only refuge
you've ever held dear. So, I realize, deep down,
I will :: NEVER :: quit picking
the petals off daisies,
Drinking whiskey to remember how
it tastes sweet in your mouth,
And I’m not sure if I’ll ever :: BREATHE :: again, or if I
ever have truly inhaled
But today, my chest heaves,
and I want to crawl into your
“better things” or, maybe :: TO :: Lie with
your ghosts, your hope,
would be enough
But I think, by now
It’s safe to say, how hard
it is to :: EXHALE :: ....
Author notes
finally formatted correctly
Written February 14th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- I want intense emotion, surrounding YOU (Points being handed out left and right) by Rose Of The Night.
300 points, ended July 30, 2005, 49 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 70 of 70
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Well at first I just thought it was clever but it's an amazing thing to combine a format this interesting with poetry this good.
I did find the start lacking in power but I'd say it's much better to end strong then begin strong and your middle is certainly excellent. The beginning did seem to have a sort of...fake profound quality to it. There isn't anything specific I can think of though so I'll move on.
Really beautiful. -
wow that was amazing. never seen anything like it, and the words were just perfectly strung together. amazing. i wish id read this before id entered the contest! haha
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W O W.
This was incredible.
::Bookmarked::
~jen -
That is such a cool poem!!!!! it was alittle hard to read but the format was still awesome so dont change it and i really liked your work!
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Neato meg..I entered this dude's last thing and apparently I'm getting in this bookie wookie...and if I did you will for sure..no doubt..you are my love, my life..wait..no that's Jesus..just kidding..he's not real.
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Okay, this is much easier to read! This is very clever, the
words down the middle of the page. I can't say that I've
ever read anything this original! -
I would like to ask you for a second chance. I changed the background as soon as I clicked on my poem and thought "my eyes!"
I would also like to know if you read it with the screen enlarged. If not i bet it looked like a mess.
If you don't give me a second chance I understand and am sorry to have wasted your time.
-meg
Edited on Jul 02, 5:47 p.m. because ''. -
thank you for your honesty first off.
secondly I would like to ask you why you think it was a mess - the words capitalized down the middle were there for a reason.
thirdly - I was not aware of the background, I was playing with it and didn't mean to leave it. -
I'll be completely honest with you. I took one look at this
and thought, "No way am I reading this." This is such a mess
to look at, and the background only makes it worse. -
thanks!
good luck to you -
Wonderful
This poem is VERY good. I love it. It is soo creative, so deep, and very very poetic. I can't imagine I have ANY chance in this contest with this amazing entry. Please keep up this amazing writing. -
this is so unique, I like your style alot. my favorite lines were "To fly to places only you have seen, as the smoke rapes this night" well written (I wont say goodluck bcuz I hate that saying)
♥ alli -
WOW! I freaking love this.. I like the spacing a lot! And the background fits perfectly. This is beautifully written both visually and lyrically. I love it!
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All I can seem to say right now is a big, massive, WOW! This poem was so intense I was actually holding my breath reading it (funny coincidence). I honestly can say this is one of the best poems I have read on AP so far, and I am really excited to see what else you have to offer! You have an amazing talent and it just shines in the lines of this poem!
What I find even more amazing is the style in which you write with! It is so very contemporary (my favorite) and it is a perfect example of how poetry is more than just writing, it is art.
~Zola~ -
That SOUNDS like a CONOR Oberst song. Now you just need a talented band and an attractive face. Not to say your face isn't attractive, but are you an Indie heart throb?
Klove from,
Kleeums. -
Brilliant
I loved everything about this poem the words, style layout, the background it is all so effective and intriguing. So artistic. -
jesus fuck will I have to now give you applause you have raked in more applauses then I have ever dreamed of racking in and it is a worthy poem to applause, the format is excellent as well as the written skill, talent seeping to the page
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Very emotional and powerful. I loved the metaphors you used for this. So many poets are afraid to make up their own metaphors but you did a nice job with it. If you don't mind a suggestion on the presentation here...I love the picture you used for your background but it's pretty "busy". If you used just the one pic as a pic instead of a background, it would not overwhelm the piece and allow the text to come through more clearly. This is a wonderful poem. I just think the background is taking over some.
~Lyrical
-
hm...at first glance i was liek this is weird, but it looked interesting..everything fits so well together the flow the look the backgroud...i loved it and really enjoyed it once i figured out what was going on. It's very well written and has a wonderful just like monolouguishness (i relize thats not a word) flow to it. COngradulations on finally finishing it to what you feel is the best it could be. Great Job...Good Read...Keep pennen'
-watch me bleed -
hmmmm very interesting and confusing in the beginning but the uniqueness was enjoyable nice write
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Shit, that was cool! I can see why it would be a fav, you have obviously put a lot of time into it, and it pays of, the word placement and stress you place on particular words throughout the poem is striking all on its own, and the rest of it has this jisjointed continuity that creates an interesting juxterposition to the entire piece.
Add to that some clever word play ie/the director decided a voiceover was paramount/ paramount pictures, directors in their chairs while you sleeplessly love someone you don't, just to kill the loneliness.
I thoroughly enjoyed it and am glad I followed the link on your page. -
My god you are an amazing poet. I believe this is not only one of the best poems I've read, but the format, and the larger words that give a totally amazing meaning. Wow, you deserve to be published with a piece as amazing as this. I'm glad I came by to check out your work, I'm interested to look at more of them now.
Miseria. -
This is a deep write, however you have written it really well, your thoughts and emotions flow well from your pen, holding your reader from start to finish. The colour of your font makes it just a little difficult to read in some parts, however, that does not take away the overall effect of your talent in what you have produced here.
Well Done!
~Katie~
-
And I can never be sure if :: WE :: really speak or if the director decided a voiceover was paramount in
the end, but I miss you when I bring him home.
I loved this, aboslutely loved this. I can see why it would have taken you so long, I know I would constantly be fixing mine too if it had spacing like this. I really like that though, I think it adds so much effect to the story you're telling. Great piece! -
Absolutely Amazing!
Wow! I chose to read this piece because of its peculiar title. I wasn't sure what the heck the poem would be about, but I was absolutely blown away! I love the images you have talked about:
"And I can never be sure if we really speak, or if the director decided a voiceover was paramount in the end"
"I’d die to purge my skin of the candy kisses you left dripping from my lashes"
I think my favorite line is "Drinking whiskey to remember how
it tastes sweet in your mouth". You have done an amazing job describing such an intimate relationship, going beyond the sappy phrases that everyone seems to use to actually describing something that I could see and feel. Made me think about what tastes I love when I kiss my husband, and what would I drink if he ever left me just to remember his sweet kisses.
Again, excellent job on this piece. I can tell that it took a while to get all the formatting right. I obviously don't know how the poem has changed since you first wrote it, but the poem is very readable. I really like the way you formatted it, too!
Good luck in the contest!
Edited on Apr 30, 8:33 p.m. because 'Thought I saw something, but I didn't!'. -
good - I'm glad your feet are winning. Sometimes they know best.
you gave me a LOVELY comment. I appreciate it very much.
I actually got a comment that said:
"this reminds me of something that you would see on a greeting card. I loved the rhyming. Check out my latest poem!"
I hate those.
but YOURS was amazing.
thank you. -
Hey Meg, Long day and my feet are trying to drag the rest of me to the door and off homeward, but before I let them, I wanted to let you know I think this is excellent. You've managed to capture a modernist aesthetic while communicating something very personal and weaving a central concept out of the meandering thoughts which grip.
Very well done, but my feet are now winning the battle...
Brian -
ok generic comment - I really enjoyed reading this - it's so touching and honest...it just seems so real and raw it's easy to understand why it's your favorite...the way this was written is so creative and that's always refreshing. I did have some trouble seeing it though, the background is awesome but it makes the words hard to see....I am sure this poem is personal and means a lot to you, it touched me in a deep way, reminding me of a love I had (have) whatever, our time may have passed....but there's only so much you can do to erase memories....I really liked the part where you wrote about missing someone when you have another right there, god I could really feel this....so sorry if the comment was generic but I thought this was breathtaking....job very well done!
Tisha
there is always hope... the seasons come and go such is life.
also wanted to let you know I think the title is perfect.....
should you visit my page...this poem reminds me of things that are listed under"j.b"...
Edited on Apr 16, 10:28 p.m. because 'not finished'. -
You are a gorgeous writer. I love this.
"I’ll light the stars to lead you back"
"To rip off the filters- :: TO :: take deeper drags on these desires"
I am so in awe...
You're going on my favorites list now. -
WoW
-
AWWW!!!
i love you dear
-
Are you done yet? Hmmm??? lol
Oh, change it if need be...
but I've liked it since day 1. -
ok, i changed it AGAIN! That's twice since i promised... SORRY! FORGIVE ME BREE!!!!! Let the light of your forgivness flash like a lighthouse and melt my insecurities.
lol.
love you honey-honey -
ok, i lied. I changed it again
ONLY TWO WORDS!!!!! ONLY TWO!!!!
GET OFFFFFFFFF MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
lol -
thanks for that bree.
I'll leave it alone. -
Fiona Apple is definitely beautiful, you are right on that one.
Don't change this again.
I liked it so much this way.
And it sits correctly with you now.
It's perfect this way.
When you have your soulsittingwell and your friendtellingyouthatshelikesitthisway, listen to your heart (or yourfriend) and you will find
there is no more need to change.
Good night, kiddo. -
thanks for your kind words. I love getting REAL comments. Not the generic, "this was great good job!" one. gah.
well - it's finally in it's perfect form. it took me a month and it's DONE! I was inspired by some of you and breeze307's poetry and got out of my rut!
yipee! -
Noce work with the imbedded message, something I have only seen maybe once or twice before, and I am always pleased to see something new and creative.
It's funny how we sleep to dream but never breathe to exhale, loved that line, as for the rest of the poem you pulled it off quite nicely, it read with a touch of personality rarely seen, stutters like some one was actually speaking, instead of the same bland narrators voice most people put on to tell a story.
Good work -
I am just speechless at this poem! The words were so beautiful, so hauntingly perfect. This poem really spoke to me, personally, because of the way it was written. I could feel the longing, and the pain, and the hurt in every word that was written. You did such an excellent job with this, it is just so melodious and aching, I am just inspired. Perfect.
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This is so cool! I love how interspersed and nearly aligned the message! Tricky, tricky! I see why that took 4 hours....It sure would have taken me a lot longer than that... This is an engaging write, both in form and substance. First love is often so painfu....thanks for reminding me of mine... LOL...
Great job...very impressive!
Lorena -
extraordinary
first love hurts more than anything i ever thought possible...i can't tell you how much i just loved this poem!!! it's really amazing, the way it flows and grips you...it seems to tell a story but your emotions are so clear and out there that it goes beyond mere story-telling. this is you, this is your love...i really do just love it, i'm going to bookmark it. i can see why it's one of your favorites, i'm really just in awe. the background is really effective too. -
o i like that, thats very cool how you did that.
the "subliminal" message was very potent
heck it made me forget the rest of the poem it hit home so well. lol
very nice and very clever how you did that. that shows alot of originality and i like that alot.
the poem was very nice also.
but writing out of the box like that and doing it up differently that was very cool.
its like you've created a new form of poetry. so in essence this is quite groundbreaking because i don't know that ive seen it done that way before.
very good work.
o and i like the background.
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i thought this was perfectly amazing... very well written and the little code that runs in the middle was pretty intresting too... totally original piece of work... you can defintly feel when a writer is original or just trying to hard... but this was really good..
-
my god...i am awestruck. this is unbelieveably intense and beautiful and emotional and thought provoking and creative and painful and...wow i don't even know what to say. i haven't read anything quite this "raw" (so to speak) and creative in awhile...i have to say i read the sentence made by the words in bold first, but that's just cuz i'm wierd like that. that sentence alone made me adore this poem, just for how well the words slid into the rest of the poem. i love how beautifully explicit and descriptive the language is...i am in awe. this is beautiful.
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poetry's soul, you left me a lovely comment. And damn long too!
thanks for making me smile
-
wow... this is really good... i like how its very remeniscent of Tom Wolfe... not in style, but more so of the form... creating bold faced words and enclosing others in colons (if you dont know what im talking about, and this is just coincidence, then you should check out the book "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test") the message of this poem is portrayed many times over by many poets, but i like how you approached it... great job
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i really loved this poem but my favorite part was how the bold words made a phrase
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Wow, this was intense. I know all to well how first love hurts. Sometimes it feels you will never recover from it. I loved this poem. It expresses my feeling to a tee. It makes me feel better to know that someone has shared the same feelings as I have and that I am not some kind of freak. I loved the way you structured this poem. The flow was very good and it was almost like at every bold type word you were gasping for air as the pain slashed through you and took your breath away. Very well written over all and totally powerful and intense in its meaning and flow. Thanks for sharing.
God Bless -
it was so hard to fit those DAMN words in the center like that! It took 4 hours. Lots of coffee.
thanks for your comment! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
-
why thank you
i try to use imagry.. it always makes me feel good when people say i've done it!
thanks again! -
This is a very clever beautiful poem, the not so hidden message that meshed expertly with the the textual body. A very sad, beautiful, and emotional write. Something I believe that bleads close to almost everyones heart.
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thanks for your kind words! I was going for seamless... i've been trying to make it that way all week! you make it worth my time
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this is an awesome poem! the visualization you create in here are so beautiful and original. and I love how the bolded words make another phrase down the poem, it's like a new type of acrostic, only better. and the background really seems to fit this poem. great job on this, it was a pleasure to read.
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I relly like this! the line that runs through this is seamless - very nice work - your imagery is strong and the whole piece really works so damn well!
Scott
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why thank you! You're the first good comment since i put this up on the featured list.
thanks again! -
GREAT! i loved the way you made your words come together. you have real talent and you shouldnt waste it! keep up the great work. My favorite: "It's Funny how we Sleep to Dream, But never Breathe to Exhale" I LOVE IT!
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this is cute, i could see it onl ike a greeting card or something
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This is vaery good and emotional. I've felt this emotion before. this was hard for me too read, though. Fantastic job!
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this is what i call real poetry ...tres bien!!! very poweful ..very beautiful ...very real !
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This is a most wonderful piece that you have written on 'Juano'. Someone already said this, but sheesh you are such a GENIUS with the visualizations in your works. No wonder I have you on my favorites!
Tiffany
Edited on Feb 19, 12:35 because ''. -
tee-hee.
wee wee
lol -
Un fleur pour vous, ma cherie
-
Flippin Fantabulous!!!
This is my face right now
Seriously, you need to slap all this stuff in a book and pitch it to a publisher. This poem really couldn't have been improved, but somehow... and it really hurts my head to try and think how... you DID IT!! youre flippin fantastic! I wish I could write this expressively... Anyway.. damn, I'm drooling, better stop ranting... This was awesome, keep em flyin -
I see the title is still undecided. What about something to do with breathing? I don't know... such as a term related to breathing... who knows... what am I saying...
I really like this.
And I will NOT tell you anything I don't like. Yeah, I know, you want to hit me now. ha ha ha.
Nice work. Keep it up. -
you have one and so do I. Only to me, his name is a lot of cuss words ran together (andrew bannister by the way).
-
we don't say his name! We shall call him "juano" and pretend he was my breif mexican affair...
hahaha
i wish i could pretend.... -
I really like this. Is this about steven? JW um...for a title what if you put what you have in bold. That really fits the piece.
love ya!
-
Awesome
Wow, that poem was amazing. As my friend SaintEntreri said, the presentation of your poetry is always incredible. The rhythm was great, the wording intense. The poem on a whole was incredible. I'm seriously starting to run out of words to describe the awesomeness of your poetry lol. Anyway, as you usually say to me, "Smile!"
~~Hannah~~ -
wow. i understand your feelings, but this is a superb write (your gonna get a smiley/clappy dude when i get done talking pointlessly. lol) anyway, the emotion is intense, and the note down the middle of the piece is aweomse. great write, it is truely moving.
~mikey
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WOW....
Indeed it does. I am just compelled to say again that you have the most awesomely complex form I've ever seen. The double message in some of your poems is put in in a way that is totally obvious, yet extremely subtle. Quite frankly, it gives me chills, you are a genius with the visual presentation of your poems. Amazing work, keep it coming Cheers
The Saint
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