i love the feel of yourmyhand on myyourchest
love the knowing that you are closing, eyes, as i am sleeping going.
love the feel of you. love the know of you. love the know of you. love the know
the know.
and the glow.
the glow.
the glow with which you tremble, turning beneath my fingers
redpink warmth
dispelling radiant
-ly as we breathe eachother's spring.
lilies and baby's breath and the baby is
gentle,
sleeping.
beautiful, in yourmyhand...
is myyourheart.
Author notes
the category is .. blissful. the choice is three.
inspired by the last stanza of a neruda poem:
"than this: where i does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as i fall asleep."
btw, the lack of caps is on purpose, denoting that none of the words means more than the others. the spacing serves a similar purpose. ^_^
Written February 14th, 2005
A contest entry
- Oh Geez...Cupid is Here by serene darkness.
300 points, ended March 28, 2005, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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im perfectly relaxed. im amused at the fact you seemed to not of been able to take an honest comment on your poem
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if i thought it was magnificent, i wouldn't ask you to suggest improvements, i assume you mistook my words as sarcasm.
perhaps you should relax a bit..
Edited on Mar 22, 9:09 p.m. because ''. -
its not my poem. plus, if you think its so magnificent...then wouldnt you be able to figure that out yourself?
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i'm interested in how you'd do that more effectively.. do enlighten me, thank you.
-
"the know"
"the glow"
very redundant...
and the myyourhand thing...i see what youre trying to convey here, but i felt that you could of done it more effectively in some other way.
Jen
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I loved the way you used to the sense of touch to deepen the poem
Nikki -
thank you for your comment, dear.. ::blushes:: i'm wonderfully complimented. =D
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I think the "wordbutting" technique you use in this is brilliant! It not only adds to the meaning, but gives a much deeper feel to the tone of the piece. The relationship you describe is engulfing, almost sensual, but doesn't quite go there. I like that--it lends a taste of purity to the love you are depicting. It almost seems too rich to have more than one bite. A wonderful write! I LOVED it!
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no, there should not be a slash between yourmy. it's a stream of conciousness sort of phrase.. the way i would speak it to you, were you in my mind. ... thanks for the praise.
is two stars good? ::raises eyebrow::
Edited on Feb 14, 11:00 p.m. because ''. -
shouldn't there be a slash inbetween your/my chest? Or was that done on purpose too? Not being snotty just wanted to know. It's a good poem though. 2stars >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
~Kay
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