If alcohol makes me more open
And tea makes you more conscious
And you have a way of taking
the sharpness off my edges just so
And I make you more honest,
What does that make the both of us?
You can bring the milk
And I'll bring the Irish cream
We'll go down to the market
And get some spices
We'll sit on the porch and drink some chai
You can bring your guitar
We'll sit and watch the people go by
Blur the lines a bit
And discover the answer
Author notes
Hrm...I don't think the ending fits quite right...any suggestions? How is the rhythm? Does it work? Please be critical!
Written February 13th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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I can appreciate the quest for an in-depth critique that cultivates better writing rather than just giving praise, but please realize that just as much can be learned from the positive impressions of your work. (This is a difficult concept for me to receive as well, but try it on for size...) I think the rhythm and ending work beautifully! This whole piece has the feel of the kind of random thoughts that pop up unbidden in one of those rare 'moments of clarity'. I love the way you take a simple difference between two people in a relationship and articulate what it says about their individual personalities and their interaction with each other. The concept of using quirks and behaviors as tarot cards in a relationship is very deep and beyond the cognitive abilities of most people. Still, you put it into very simple terms. I can relate to this type of thought process, but don't think I could have voiced it for just anyone to understand--especially within the framework of a poem. GREAT job!! Very poetic and insightful! This is an amazing display of talent!!
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true. they are an odd mix. I really like your suggestion. I may just have to take it
Thanks for the comments!
~Elsie -
I would add the lines at the end.
As the core speeds that blur the lines a bit between
living in space on the human body, and discover the answer
Tea and alcohol are an unusual mix, however,these contribute to dry mouth.
You are what you drink! -
write on
Very good poem ! I loved it ! Great job ! Keep it up and write on!!! -
First of all the rhyme seems fine, I am not a big rhyme person so it doesn't mean much to me. I love the ending, it fits the poem, laid back and off beat. Over all a nice poem, well done.
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Thanks so much. You're right - i try to make my pieces like music more than like poetry - i aspire to be like Ani Difranco, or Gord Downie of the Tragically Hip when he goes on rants. I just need to work on the guitar parts - haha.
~Elsie -
The rhythm works well for you...the ending is a bit rough but as far as I can tell it is the only thing that is unstable in this piece. Maybe another couplet at the end to allow more room for closure...
I really enjoyed the first stanza, this whole piece seems to flow more like lyrics than a poem, in my opinion at least. A great write all in all and if you do edit it I will be more than happy to review it again.
-Shae Lynn- -
Hmm... the ending is kinda iffy, but the rest is good. It's cool. I like it.
Well seeing as you're both like.. sorta reliant on eachother, maybe "we are one" or something...
Keep up the good work
Sarah
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