I've been taken hostage! Can't you see?
My throat aches from the unheard screams
While my head pounds from trying to resist.
At least I put up a fight, far more then many could claim.
Or did I? I've been here so long I'm not sure.
But, I must have! It's so horrid here.
I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.
Yet the saddest part of it all?
I trained my own kidnapper.
I gave them knowledge when they begged!
How could they just turn on me like this?!
Why can't they just throw me the key?
No key? Well, how about some sunlight?
I know it's been out! I've seen the beams!
But wait, where was the familiar warmth they produce?
They use their growing knowledge to rob me once more!
It started a slow process, cutting me off one thing at a time.
I even thought for a while...it just might be an evil trick.
That's it! I'm being tested! My relationships are being tested!
I still had hope I could pass and it would end.
It wasn't a test. Things whip by more rapidly now.
At one point I had a slight hold, but that's been gone quite a while.
Finally the bitter-sweet day came and I bottomed out.
I hit hard, but I was free! They had nothing left to take!
A crisp winter chill was my first real sensation,
Followed by my body numbing completely.
Without the confinement I was confused.
Suddenly everything I hadn't felt tore me apart.
"But there was nothing left!!" I screamed to them.
Rationale then hit like a cement wall.
No, I couldn't have...but...when? how?
The loneliness then set upon my soul.
I let bitter tears of resentment fall freely.
How can I be back in confinement?
With out being confined?
"I was free!" I desperately tell them! But nothing matters.
My denial had lost me everyone I loved.
Heartbreak grips me not only at their loss,
But the emotionless face they last saw.
"It wasn't really me!" I cry out loud.
They just couldn't see, couldn't help.
But who can when you're hostage to yourself?
Author notes
Using the word they was done on purpose to throw the reader. As for the rest I let you step into the mind of a girl suffering untreated bi-polar (soon to be treated). I'm on 0 sleep for 2 days 
This unedited - exactly how I felt.
Written February 13th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- DARK loyalty by theDARK1.
330 points, ended January 24, 2006, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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this contest has been long over due to be judged and i have to thank you so much for having the patience to continue to participate. i'm glad that i made it exclusively to those members that had me on their favorites list (because i'm sure other people would have complained about it not being judged in a timely manner. i came up with a way to judge this contest without any favortism involved. you will be assigned a bingo number and it will be entered in the cage for drawing. once each poem has been assigned with said number, then a drawing will be held and the list will be published in the order the balls come out of the cage. look for the ball number at the end of this comment.
i know from first hand how you can hold yourself hostage. i'm not bi-polar, but you don't have to be when you hide yourself away from the world. for the most part, i have released myself back into reality. i'm glad to know that you are seeking help. you're very special to me and the last thing i want to know is that you're still keeping yourself hostage.
thank you for entering, luvya, DARK
your ball is: i-24
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Wow! I really liked some of the metaphors that you used such as: "The loneliness then set upon my soul". This was really good. Keep it up! : Knicole
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Wow. This is really intense. I didn't know where it was going until the very end. You make the confinement inside your head feel so real and the terror so terrible. The ending is effective although I needed to read your comments to understand that that the prisoner was suffering from bi-polar disorder. I am so sorry you are going throught his and I will pray for your total healing.
On a critical note, I think you should try breaking this into stanzas. There's a definite order to what you're doing in your piece and I think it might make it easier to read. Other than that small note, I think this is an excellent although disturbing poem. Blessings from CT - joanne -
Being a hostage to ones self can be particularly hard to deal with, because you are both assailant and victim. To go though this must be agonizing, and your writing, appears to be a very good way of expressing such discontent! From a literary stand point this was also very well done! Nothing negative to say! (P.S. this is your comment for your "easy" contest!)
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I trained my own kidnapper. and then... But who can when you're hostage to yourself? beautiful, I just loved reading from start to finish. great thought put into this amazing write.
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Very Good
I really like your writing. You've been through a hell of a lot for someone your age. Having been a hostage to myself as well I can really relate to this one. -
Amazing work! You are quite creative!
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I have a nephew who was diagnosed with bi-polar. So I do know how it can be. I know as long as he takes his meds he is ok. But every now and then he has a bad day.I hope that things are better for you.
Much luck with the contest. Shelly
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Awwww, You reached my norm. I like it. I'm king of bi-polar. It's not that bad if you learn to control it. I feel for ya, this is a heavy load to carry all by your self. I'm there for ya.
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I hope by now you are recieving the help you need, it must be hard to have to suffer with Bi-Polar, I hope you are feeling much better now. for not being editted you did a wonderful job~angelica
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Depressing and bipolar is a very dark and scary place. Feeling lost and confused is the norm. This depicts it very well.
Very insightful piece.
S♥m
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Sorry to hear you're going through so much. I hope things get better and simpler somehow. The mind and heart are hard to control. I don't have any answers because I'm as weak as anyone else sometimes. All I know is there is a lot of power in firm decisions - to stop suffering, to move on with life, to let go of old resentments, etc. Try to get some rest, okay?
I'm here if you need a friend.
Mark
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