The 'Horny for those Two Lumps on your Chest' Ballad

Horny for those two lumps growing on your chest,
but not for that hair growing down there,
or that stench emanating from your pits.
I’m just glad you were past your training bra years
when my truck broke down and I was a redneck
humpin’ all the steers…
Yodel yodel yodel

Then I found you- a fresh carcass being picked by the buzzards,
I was all over you like peanut butter and a bottle of pop
and fell into the abyss of love tonic and farts…
But, Oh, dear God! How we crumpled those satin sheets
with the beat of our fevered hearts and our blowin’ feelings.
Don’t let them blow away.
No no no

I pine for your chocolate kisses in my candy store
with sugar-rolled gumdrops that I can really savor.
When you need a treat come back for some more.
La dee da, la dee da

Silent breezes twist the trees and the apples fall
with increased intensity, waiting for me to harvest your love.
I eat your chartreuse and flaxen fruit
while the sunset looms on the horizon...
I love you more than sappy movies or watching Jeopardy
while playing soothing music with our farts-
Brrrrraaaaaappppppfffififif...
We sang at Karaoke time in a drunken stupor-
We were dreaming of being stars
playing every song under the sun
in our karaoke duel of air guitars…
Brrrrraaaaaapppppp.

That nerve racking first date until 4 AM
eating candy painted piggies of vibrant rainbows
with cotton candy flavor with lovely stickers
you put on your toenails while watching David Letterman
interview a self-centered asshole who deserved his bitch’s revenge
like a fine wine before it turns to slime in her spreading ass
over his cue ball head sporting a ponytail and an alive beehive.
Moo moo moo

I loved you ever since, or was it just lust?
Your orbs of twinkling happenings
passing in the night were but dancing icemen
in sequined corsets and fishnets and sexy black garters
with a tiny bikini and pink rubber gloves
thrusting about on a pommel horse.
For me it was an inner pain seeing your shiny new dumbbells
made out of l’ode a la pomme de terre
turn crisp and golden brown and topped with crème fraiche.
I begin to cry and suffocate in my self-pity,
the tears coming like a floodgate opened
in empty cries of solitude with only a few salty morsels saved for me.
Woo woo woo

The day had finally come to drive my Blazer over their dancing faces,
but I stopped at Port Huron to grab my passport
and wallowed in the vast spans of nature at its finest
amid the little towns splashed here and there
with picture booths and Chuck E. Cheeses.
I lost them in Toledo at eight-thirty PM,
so I jumped into a hot bath with you
and we drank vanilla swirls in a dark cola.
La la la

We spiraled down into nothingness, there was a light somewhere,
the blinding light of hope in the never ending black hole,
dizzying, cries for help echo, our bodies growing weaker by the second
and flip-flop went our lunch.
We felt friskier and I wanted to swallow your left boob,
though I kept it a dark secret in my fiendish mind,
making me so cold behind my tranquil façade.
I folded my money and saved it for teenage crap
that’s so captivating and sensual it makes my heart pump.
Dee dee dee

Sometimes alone, I watch you from a distance, and imagine
you can see me and that we’d be together.
Help me understand why I wrote you my first letter
from a golden pagoda in Kyoto, Japan,
or did I get the letters mixed up and it was Tokyo?
The winter wind blew bringing cold and fluffy snow
and I waited for din-din.
If I had a tail it would have been wagging
even though I’m an elegant man
who cascades down mystical mountainsides
with my slurpees and best sports car.
Mmm mmm mmm

Will you be there when I want to be held?
Will you run off with another man?
I just want to be held when I am down,
and in sickness and in health, and in chemistry class-
the one where you have a crush on the teacher
and you go higher and higher like there are no ceilings...
I see you get lightheaded and my heart goes broke.
Boo hoo hoo

I’ll never let you see my face again,
I will throw away the key to my heart
hoping you will by chance be visiting the landfill
when it is cruelly tossed there and pick it up
and think of my body.
Yah yah yah

Then you’ll find me with pieces of silk all over me
at the Fleet Center attending an Aerosmith concert
in the greater Boston binocular section
with over nine hundred people at the train station
peeing on the electric rails while I walked this way.
Ooo ooo ooo

Now I live in your lies woven like intricate tapestries.
My fear lurks in the silvery shadows,
I throw your darts back but I throw like a girl
and hit the cold-hearted man in the tennis match
who let out earth-shattering screams of pain and pleasure
then collapsed into pieces of emptiness
And baked in the sun’s glow. We gathered them up
and sent them to Kokomo
because it looked like he needed a vacation.
La la la

Now I’m high and dry. Wherever did you go?
Without warning you took my inspiration in your bag
and went on a cruise with a foreign man who wore a crimson bikini
and sipped blue margaritas while working on his tan.
You ran off with my precious thoughts to the Caribbean sea.
I’m searching for a newfound muse
that will sprout out of my ear and resurrect my youth
when I had a nice beer belly and a cue ball head
and read my heroes in ink from the comic book store-
Marvel and DC; Cyclops, Gambit, and Wolverine.
See see see

I forgot your birthday, I learned today.
I still love you anyway, even though you’re thirty
and considered old, and all you want to do is sleep and snore,
and your armpits are extra smelly.
Now that you’re back I can take down all the wanted posters
and put away my angst and cutting
and killer sprees on the beach, he-he.
The truth is out there,
and only a lanky beefcake like me will uncover it-
like Mulder uncovered Scully with his beautiful strong jaw line.
Yea yea yea
Woo woo woo

End of Part II, 90-140, of the "Seven Epic Adventures of candy177".
Intermission.












Continued With:
Part III, 141-184: Some Serious Poetic Male Passion

The Other Parts:
Part I, 1-89: A Dripping Fluffy Sugary Love Drool Ballad
Part II, 90-140: The 'Horny for those Two Lumps on your Chest' Ballad
Part IV, 185-210: Bold and Spicy- Dark Love
Part V, 211-255: Simple, Quiet Love for a Hopeless, Dark Psychotic
Part VI, 256-334: A Precious Love in Our Fantasy Land
Part VII, 335-380: A Sad Goodbye from a Parallel Path