Swim With Me
I spoke against the rocks that channeled me
As you sat beside my washed river banks
In hopes that my water could set you free.
You stripped your despair, in clothes dropped gently
To be gathered and placed in prayerful thanks
Spoken against the rocks that channeled me
From parted lips your breath escaped to see
The weight of your sins as your body sank
In hopes that my water could set you free.
I felt tired hands pull backwater eddies.
As the length of your naked body drank,
I spoke against the rocks that channeled me.
I slipped across dry white skin to paint thee
In glacial turquoise; a canvas so blank
In hopes that my water could set you free.
And then you stood up in a sheltered lee
Collected your thoughts and acquired your rank
I cried against the rocks that channeled me
In hopes that my water had set you free.
Author notes
A villanelle with some attempt at meter.
Written February 6th, 2005
A contest entry
- blow me away by angeliciceangel.
350 points, ended April 17, 2005, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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this is a great villanelle. i did one last year which ended up sucking really bad. it is good to see that someone can get those things to come out correctly. i loved the flow of the poem it worked lovely
thanks for entering my contest and good luck...smiles -
Every time I read this form I enjoy it, I shall have to give it a try. This is sensual, spiritual... eloquent. Not much room for critique but I did so enjoy. I think I will be adding you to my favorites. I also think my chances in this contest have just taken a big dive.
~Jan -
Good villanelle. Usually the lines that are repeated become trite, but the repetition works well here.
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Lovely use of metaphore, very well written it flows as smoothly as the river you wrote about, this is a super poem, it was a great pleasure to read it, very well written ,I wish you well in the comp for me this is a winner, all the best
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Oh Wow! I love the imagery created by the power of your well chosen words. This took my mind to a wonderfully tranquil place. Thank you for the pleasure! Good luck in the contest!
♥ Kimberly -
i liked how the whole thing flowed so well. nice job.
willow -
Outstanding
This was fantastic! The wording created such incredible imagery as I read it! I loved the rhythm that presented it self as I read. Outstanding! You are such a talented writer! -
Grand
This is really lovely, I felt warm and relaxed while reading this piece. I am left with a sense of peace and serenity...thus... "In hopes that my water had set you free." Apsolutely lovely!!!
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This was a wonderfull write you did an excilent Job on it I felt all the emotins you wer putting out and really made me think Great gob niki
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Thank you for your beautiful comments. I appreciate the gift of word and time!
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This poem has some powerful imagery and took me to a place I have not been for a very long time. In the hopes that my water had set you free.... hmmmm
I cried for you a river.
This to me is describing a love that is so powerful, so connected, so overpowering, so consuming that one exists for sole purpose to benefit the other and yet can still fade into non existance like the pull after the swell of the tide.
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