Take a pencil.. turn on all the lights
Revealing the things hidden by the night
But I also want you to try to see
Deeper than just the physical me
Draw my head and my brown hair
And draw the things you think are not there
Draw my thoughts, color them black
My hopes have died of him coming back
Draw my shoulders and draw my arms
That tried to reach him though I knew he was far
Draw my hands, color them lonely
These are the hands that begged to him "hold me"
Th ones that prayed wet with tears
I don't think you're painting it quite clear
Draw a red rose, still radiant and fresh
Color the petals beginning to die along with my flesh
Draw my world and make sure you draw it empty as well
I've been locked away in his torturing love cell
Make sure you draw my eyes that fell in love with his
And also the lips that he softly kissed
But be sure to draw the river of tears that I shed
From all the times I believed the sweet things he said
Don't forget to sketch my heart that struggles to live
Because it gave to him all the love it could ever give
Author notes
Read the rules!~
Written February 4th, 2005
A contest entry
- Evoke My Artistic Vision by crazylittledevil.
440 points, ended March 20, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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That was absolutely amazing. The rhyme was amazing, the flow nearly flawless, and most of all, most important of all, the emotion was intense. Beautifully written.
~*~
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The text colour was very hard to read it might be a good idea to change it. The poem it self was very different, but a very detailed portrait. Images are so vibrant I could almost touch and feel them. I feel though I was looking for something to paint I could easily see my self pick up a pencil as described and doing this. But at the present I am not able to do this as I have not learned enough.
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this poem is amazing! there are no other words for it, the metaphor of the person drawing you to show your pain and love for another is ....AMAZING!!! truly one of the best poems i have EVER read. it was beautiful!
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oh my gosh i am speechless i absolutely loved it i could really relate...great job
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Purely grief. Such a sad poem... though I really love it. The rhyme doesn't really sound forced, maybe a couple lines need a little work, but other than that, I love the form... couplets. The rhythm is fine and same with the flow. Keep up the good work and I hope this has never happened to you. *applauds*
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the rhyming didnt seem forced at all good job and good luck
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I WILL TY OMMIIING "make sure" though, thank you !::::
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Thank you for your lovely comments. I'm a real sucker for chnge, usually I leave the poem as it is. I've tried improving my other poems but I only seem to worsen them. Thank you so much for the criticism, but I don't want to take the risk of mesing up th poem more than it is. Your ideas are just great, don't gt me wrong. This is just my style of writing. I don't really follow strict rhyming couplets. I write for fun, it's a hobby. Thank you for taking your precious time to read this piece. It is GREATLY appreciated
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Hello Lost-Pearls,
This is a very exceptional piece with beautiful imagery and metaphor. I have read it three times and just can't seem to quite read this as smooth as I think it can be. In a few of the stanzas you could omit some of the words making it for a smoother read so that it doesn't sound forced or choppy. Also a couple of lines that have lost their rhyme could easily be corrected without loosing the smoothness. Please don't take offence. This is just my own opinion as to what I think would make a perfect pen for you.
Example in rhyme:
Draw my hands, color them lonely
These are the hands that begged to him "hold me" (maybe only)??
Example so not to sound forced or choppy: Omit the words "and make sure you"
Draw my world and make sure you draw it empty as well
I've been locked away in his torturing love cell
There are a couple of other areas but I think you get what I am trying to say.....
All in all with a little adjusting I think this could be a winner.
Good luck in the contest.........
Smiles your way >>>>>>>>Sandy Sandy
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Thank you. You brought a smile to my face today Your comment was wonderful. Thank you.
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Wow. I find myself reading it over and over. Great descripion with the sketching and comparing what is drawn with other things. Your body, hair, and heart. With dark cells and death. Once joyous love becoming nothing more than a heartbreaking and emotional torture.
"Don't forget to sketch my heart that struggles to live
Because it gave to him all the love it could ever give"
I really liked the ending. Ending with the heart the final piece of the puzzle, giving all your love to him and having nothing left to give.
"Scetch my heart that struggle to live"
Really great line. It gave me chills.
~Congratz~ -
Thank you so muh for your lovely comment . I will try to smooth some things out. I rhyme a lot in my poetry. You're right, some of the rhymes are a bit off, but I did that intentionally. In ths poem, I prefered to convey emotion and I did not put much emphasis on rhyming. Thanx for your time and comment
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The concept of this poem is very original; Excellent work on that. I think the middle part was the strongest. However, the beginning and end are kind of rough when it comes to the rhyming and flow. If you could smooth that out, this could become an even better poem. Another reason I like this poem is that I draw, and.. you made me picture myself drawing someone, and them dictating it to me what they want drawn and how exactly they want it done. Again, fix up some of the rhyming (I think making them "pseudo-rhymes" (e.g. like arms and far, instead of car and far) would work just as well as regular ones.) IM me if any of this is confusing... lol.
Excellent job. -
That's a beautiful metaphor that you've written your pain into. Deep emotion from a broken heart. I hope it heals one day.
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YES, this is the kinda poem i have been waiting for. Congradulations. THIS is excellent in every aspect...literally. Thanks for the great write. respects to the pen.
Love Jordan -
What an exceptional peice. Really makes you feel. I loved the lines, ' Draw my hands, color them lonely These are the hands that begged to him "hold me". ' This was just really well done. The words were well chosen, not forced. Great work!!
peace *&* love always,
~p u r e z en. -
Thanx. Wel I tried my best to make it rhyme, but s
ometimes I don't want it to sound forced. If you notice, I try to do the closest rhyme I can do instead of forcing it, because then it would sound all fake.Thanx for the critique. I appreciate it -
So deep and personal. how you're telling someone how to draw YOU, and not to leave out your "heart that struggles to live"
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This was good. It was sad too though. The only part I don't get is at first it rhymed and you trailed off until it didn't anymore then it started rhyming again. It should either rhyme or it shouldn't. Don't mix it up
. I doubt anyone agrees with me though, haha. That's just the way I see it.
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nice
wow..this has been written beauifully..there is a clever use of words here and i am in awe of any person who can do that..
"Once you asked what it's like to be heartbroken
...Instead try to draw such grief that's unspoken
Take a pencil.. turn on all the lights
Revealing the things hidden by the night"
these initial lines are really captivating..and they dont digress which is the most important thing of all..i believe you'd paint a great picture and it would be more real than a photograph. i really loved it and it was amazingly beautiful and an honor to come across such a lovely poem..if this had been entered in my contest it'd have won..keep up the good work..hope to read more of you in the near future. -
Some very vivid images you have penned here, letting us know of you pain and hhow it has affected you. Good write.
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I am pinned to this seat with pure amazement. This is honestly my favorite piece so far. I loved this with every fiber of me.. This is one of those piece that I wish I would have thought of myself. Gorgeous in every shape and form. I could never speak enough great words to express my love for this piece. Such a beautiful masterpiece. I thank you again and again for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck, though it is clear that you have enough talent you do not need luck.
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Wow.....this is a very emoional and well-thought out poem.Great job at expressing your feelings in this one.Major props!
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this is such an amazing piece it is just wonderful! Great job!!
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superb
This is absolutely fantastic.One of the best poems I have read for ages. -
The pain of the piece is definately feelable. I like the way you use the analogy of being drawn. It is a very effective piece.
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This is an eloquent piece, and the use of couplets throughout helped the reader to stop and absorb every word. Well done.
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Nice work
This was very interesting. I appreciated the concept and the way in which it was delivered. Nice work. Shancy. -
Wow... This was a very good piece of writing. I liked the flow and feel of this poem. You did a very nice job.
My favortive part is:
"Draw my world and make sure you draw it empty as well
I've been locked away in his torturing love cell"
This part really drew me in. Keep up the good writing. -
Great poem....I really like your form, you did such a great job. It expresses alot of emotion, well done............Doc
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Very Beautiful Poem. Very emotional. Great job.
Loretta -
WOW! I love this! This is a wondeful write! Its so discriptive and filled with emotion! I love the way you described each body part with emotions! Keep up the great work!
Lots of Love*
RLL -
wow i love this !! good luk in my contest!!
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I cannot say anything to do this poem justice.
I love it -
Damn...nice write...good luck in the contest
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Very very very very very very good. This is awesome. The pain, the loneliness is there. You have portrayed yourself in an amazing way. I loved this poem and the rhyming is nice. Keep up the great work. Steph
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Perfect ending to this poem. I love the way you wrote this and the sort of repition it holds. Very beautiful and sad. I bet many can relate to this feeling the poem radiates. Wonderful job, good luck!
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Wonderful choice of words and it flows! I love this piece of art, great job!
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Wow, this was so incredible! A picture actually came to mind, and the poem portrayed just the right amount of emotion...great job!
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And a Picture is Created!
And the sketch is awesome in its write.Draw all the things you see but just dont forget me.Love the colours and the imagery is sensitive and emotional.Drawing from your mind and soul is effective and your eyes remain wide open not closed! -
I think you've done a wonderful job of rising to the challenge of the contest. The images are strong, almost chilling at times and the flow of the piece is quite nice.
I did catch one small typo- in the 15th line, you left the letter "e" off of the word "the."
One other thought for you, is that you might consider breaking this up into stanzas, to give the reader a break as they attempt to digest all of the powerful images presented here.
Best of luck in the contest! -
wow......
*applauds silently, mouth gaping in astonishment* -
A truly beautiful piece of work colored by original thought, I like the way you have said this, drawing what cannot be seen, you have expressed this in a fascinating manner, it has a great flow and made an impact on me - thanks for sharing.
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Great poem! Nice imagery, and superb metaphors all the way through. It's obvious you and your love have been drawn together... My favourite line was this; "Draw my hands, color them lonely". Impossible, ofcourse, but beautifully written!
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wow......you are truly an astonishing writer, this was absolutely fantastic...you portrayed yourself so beautifully and mournfully, and the metaphors and phrasing that you used were absolutely gorgeous. Thank you so much for sharing this, I really love it! I believe that you have put picasso vangough in their place...Ribbons
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Love is always awaited..
Well it is really a touchy work. The emotions are very painfull and painted in poetic form very honestly and also openly too. It is just a magical write which gives the scenario of the internal heart with its helplessness very deeply. The impact of the words are just very effective and goes directly into the heart. The flow of the write is very emotional too. I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar -
Now this poem flows all the way to the end, It speaks to the reader, it was a pleasure to read something differnt, it rhymed and it made sense, great write!
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amazing
u r amazing it is so beautiful and lovely i can't exress my own love for it -
PS: I also loved the imagery... drawing the pain you're feeling... great concept!
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This was a pretty great write. I like the emotion that was shown here, and even moreso the way in which you showed it. The rhyming seemed forced at times... some lines fall out of sync with the flow. Overall... a good write, and best of luck in the contest.
Best wishes! -
Very directional and strong write. Well penned. Best wishes to you.
Don -
This has excellent description. You take the reader through step by step in an enjoyable way. Its sad, which I can appreciate. I liked the last two lines especially.
However, there was one little thing that made me frown slightly. In the begining, you start out as though you are talking to him, telling him whats on your mind(and in your heart, as corny as that may sound) and giving him directions -- Draw my head and my brown hair And draw the things you think are not there -- but after the line "Draw my thoughts, color them black", you are no longer talking to him but to the reader. Even if those are just your thoughts, I think they should be addressed to him, you know?
Anyway, great job and good luck in the contest!
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Wow this was amazing, *claps* very emotional almost brought a tear to my eye and that doesnt happen often. Good job
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Very sad, but brilliantly written.
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Beautiful poem. Good luck in the contest. Please put a * in your author comments so I can come back to it.
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brililant
this is brilliant!!
good luck tho not sure you really need it!!
keep up the good work
x -
Wow I really loved this poem. I loved everything about it. I loved everyline line. I loved how much it ryhmed in every line. I loved how you spoke what you may feel in your heart or what others feel. I loved how you took control of this contest. I hope you make 1st place.
great job and good luck in this contest. I also will read more of your poetry and comment on more. -
Oh my god. That was incredibly awesome. I loved how it was a completely new idea that I have never read before. When I was reading, I was imagining how to actually draw a picture like that, and I found out it would be a complete mess. which is good for the poem because it shows how you are a complete mess about losing him. Very wonderful write. I loved the amount of imigery that you used and mixed in inner and outter looks and feeling. This was absolutely awesome. If I could applaud more than once, I def would!
Amazing job...
<3 Always, Jaclyn -
wow this is a really good poem i love the way you wrote it i loved every thing about it because like you really pulled the readers in good luck in my contest
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aww. thank u very very much i will be reading ur work as well
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this is really greatr i liked how you made it sound like you were really gonna have your picture painted and the went on to describe how you wanted it painted it's one of the best poems i eva read great imagery and your words really flowed together in this poem i'd gladly read more of your work cuz it is sooo good you are a great writer and this was a great write thanx for sharin it with all of us let me know when you add more poems
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thank u very much for ur comment
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i like the poem its good but you didn't follow the rules u didn't put the number in. but keep up the good work
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Very good
Beautiful and creative. I loved your imagery and the desperate feel of your loss. You were thorough in describing all the different parts that could be drawn that your lover hurt.
Great job!
- Anne -
I feel certain that I have read and commented on this before. It was one of those poems you don't forget. Very vividly and decriptively penned. The reader can pick up on all the hurt from loss-it's so easy to empathize with the author b/c you can put yourself in her shoes so easily. Excellent work!
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this was so sad! i know what its like to be rejected by someone you love. art was a major way for me myself to deal with it. good job!
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Wow, incredibly saddening this piece is...which is definitely the true portrait. A very good write!
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This was wonderful. I just absolutely loved the comparison of a painting/sketch *your portrait* to feelings. Completely original! Wow...that's all I can say. Kepp up the great work!
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This was wonderful. I just absolutely loved the comparison of a painting/sketch your portrait to feelings. It was so different and original. The emotion in this poem screams out at the reader. This poem touched my heart, perhaps even my soul. It was very good. Keep on writing, it makes your feelings which can sometimes be confusing clear up and organize themselves.mg im in tears...taht is exzactly how i feel rite now! omg...im afraid of losing some1 because they live so far away and i havent seen them in a week now... and i dont know if they even care.. but this poem is soo amazing...and i can totally relate! great job ...keep it up.this is truly wonderful!you are really taleented
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phenominal write witrh such flare
wow..wow..wow truly stunned by this phenominal write x
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This is absolutely beautiful- one of the best poems I've read in awhile. I love the approach you took here. It says so much more than if you had just written about how sad you were about him, because from this perspective, the reader gets a feel for how your whole existence is affected, and how much pain lies beneath what people can see from the exterior.
This is a really unique and emotional piece. Very nicely done.
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This was wonderful. I just absolutely loved the comparison of a painting/sketch *your portrait* to feelings. It was so different and original. The emotion in this poem screams out at the reader. This poem touched my heart, perhaps even my soul. It was very good. Keep on writing, it makes your feelings *which can sometimes be confusing* clear up and organize themselves.
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omg im in tears...taht is exzactly how i feel rite now! omg...im afraid of losing some1 because they live so far away and i havent seen them in a week now... and i dont know if they even care.. but this poem is soo amazing...and i can totally relate! great job ...keep it up.this is truly wonderful!
x0x <3 Casey x0x -
beautiful and well thought out
Very beautiful poem, I always like the whole portrait idea in poems you did a fine job here. Great write, keep it up
.Amanda. -
Make sure you draw my eyes that fell in love with his
And also the lips that he softly kissed
But also be sure to draw the river of tears that I shed
From all the times I believed the sweet things he said
That was so cute and sweet but sad too....I feel your pain...keep writing ~Rush -
gr8
this is a very very good poem , i touches the heart, sounds like some one hurt u dearly ! very good -
excellent
A wonderful poem full of feeling and sadness,
Very well done
Doreen x x x -
Execelent
A very good picture of your life, i love the way u draw as a way of decribing your emotions. Very different but execelent. I love it -
This had a beautiful flow. It seemed very heartfelt. You are very good at expressing your inner feelings. Good write.
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A great idea for a poem. Broken hearts are hard, but pain is often a wonderful impspiration (as we can see)
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This was just, captivating. I dont even think words could explain what I think of this, it was great. Keep on writing.
Blessed be,
Lefay -
a great idea! and a great realization of that idea! I liked it a lot!
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Expressive
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I loved the good use of rhyme and showing imotions in a very creative way. xoxo
Candy Kiss
Edited on Jul 28, 9:55 because ''. -
This was beautiful and breathtaking. I loved it. very well done. *Applauds*
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Very creative and a well done rhyme scheme. I have to say this covered many facets here and well 'painted'
Excellent. Gypsy
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...wow...that was so amazing, you did an incredibly amazing job writing this. You painted out that feeling so well, and almost made me cry! great job
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What a beautiful poem, from such an ugly emotion....funny how while we are in love the colors seem much different....and in the end only black or gray at best...thanks for sharing this, best of luck...Take Care
and try to remember there are wonderful vibrant colors in everyone and everything...
I wish you well
Tisha -
i think you have a really good poem on ur hands here! heartbreak i think is the most miserable thing in the world to go through, and i wonder if we ever really forget the person that we loved? sorry if i sound corny here, but i guess i just still feel the sting of heartbreak myself. good job and well put.
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i already read this one once but i thought i would applaud and read again
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You wrote of how it is when you love a person with your whole heart-the whole body hurts when the relationship breaks off. I think this has the potential of becoming a good country western song if there was a chorus added. Excellent!!!!!!! vj
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Awesome
This poem was awsome I really enjoued reading it, I have felt this way more than once and it really expresed great emotion. It flowed really well and it shows your talent. Great Job and keep up the good work. Also keep writing -
wow, great poem, wonderful job, not many poems are like this, keep up the great work!!!
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Brilliant.
You don't speak of the one you love in a hateful way, but rather tell us of your heartbreak without making any accusations. I love the idea of making a picture of you, soooo creative... Anyway, I hope you win gold and I'm def gonna read more of your work!!!! 
you rock keep writing!
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I really like this, so much emotion and the way you wrote it was awsome
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This was again amazing so full of ones inner hell trying to figure out what went wrong between you and him - but as I recall he really should hold all these faults for he broke you down inside and he stold the flower of your eye's
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That was beautiful. I know how this feels...I still feel it. I sometimes wish he could see what he is doing to me but I wish he would never know. I hope you do good in that contest. This is beautiful.
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(just to show you complexity of a human if all that is needed on the surface to cover up everything else)
I liked the theme of the poem, it was almost as if you were actually talking to a painted or artist. A tad bit long for me but the ending made it alright for me.
lovely -
oh my. I swear my heart actually hurt while reading this. you did wow such amazing writting here. i wish it was me that wrote it!
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