The day was January 8th,
the year was 1992.
My world changed forever
because of what happened to you.
We talked on the phone
only for me to wish I'd talked more.
I had carried the guilt
through all the years until 2004.
No one in the family
never knew that I felt I was to blame.
For many years to come
I would cry out tears in your name.
Life was so hard
just for me to live from day to day.
Not having you there
like I was use to in every way.
How could this happen,
your life taken at the age of 23.
What was God thinking,
when he took you away from family!
Was heaven on the brink
that it required the work from a young angel!
Someone that God trusted
to make sure heaven did not become hell.
The day was January 8th,
the year was 2005.
I've finally accepted the fact
that you don't have to be here to be alive.
Author notes
This poem is dedicated to my baby brother, Steven, and his wife (Tina), daughter (Tiffany) and two sons (Steven, Jr. and Tommy). Once the song "Tears In Heaven" came out, I cried like a baby. Every time I heard it. I could be driving down the road and the tears would flow like a river. It has been hard living life without our baby brother as all three of us boys grew up tight. For a long time (many years) I carried the burden of thinking it was my fault. I could have prevented him from being killed by a drunk driver. He was not scheduled to work the night we were talking on the phone. Once I got off with him he was called into work. Only if I had stayed on the line to keep it busy, then his work would have called someone else. Every since that point death has been hard for me to take. There have been many to die since then like uncles, aunts and such. Still I found myself not able to attend the funerals and eventually not being able to visit the funeral homes.
Just last year I had another person die in my life that I had a super bond with. She was only my step-mom for four years, but I loved her like a real mom. I thought finally a lady that could make my dad a better person. He has had plenty of opportunities to become one. For awhile I thought it was working, but I don't think he will be able to be a good person. She on the other hand was a great person. She loved me like her real son. It was the first time since my brothers death in which I finally had to face it and embrace it. I had to take some time off from work to deal with it, but I finally dealt with it.
Last year I lost my step-mom, my step-grandmother of 26years and a friend of the family. This year I will probably lose my last living grandfather (my dad's dad) and my last living grandmother (my mom's mom). Both have had surgery this year and still have complications. My grandmother is down to 87 pounds. Life is precious even in our final moments.
Don't be afraid to tell someone that you love them for you might not get another opportunity. I have now come to realize that I was a lucky person to be able to talk with my baby brother for one last time. I did tell him I loved him as we were very close growing up. Sometimes I still think about if I could have prevented his death, but I finally stop blaming myself last year.
Written February 4th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Eric Clapton Titles [contest] by Samplette.
300 points, ended February 9, 2005, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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you definitely deserved the bronze. i think that says enough.
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This is a very sad write. And I'm glad that you stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault!!!!!!!!! Let me repaet that, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do understand this write though. I blamed myself for my uncle's death. I still do with I happen to think about for too long. But great write! And like I already stated, I'm so glad that you stopped blaming yourself!
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Wow! Before I read the author comments I was freakin out because I thought you were blaming yourself...but it is so good to hear that you're not blaming yourself anymore. There is no way that it could be your fault. Seriously. Anyways, this poem is amazing and I had tears in my eyes...I am so, so, so sorry for your loss..I've lost many people too and my heart aches from it..but you learn from what you lose, just like you said "don't be afraid to tell someone that you love them" that's exactly right...You could never get a chance again. Again, I am so sorry for all of your lossess..You're an amazing person and you don't deserve it at all! Much love!
twizted bizkit -
What a beautiful tribute to your brother. I'm so happy you realized he doesn't have to be here in person to be alive in your heart! I'm sure he didn't like looking down and watching his big brother cry when a song came on God does some weird unexplainable things sometimes, but we have to trust that He knows what He's doing. You're an amazing man Jim - and inspirational at that. Thanks for being you.
Big
I love you!
Mindy -
Dear Jim, I too got to talk to my Brother the day before he died back in 1986, he sounded the best that he had for years, was laughing with me on the phone, next morning we got the call, he'd had a massive heart attack, so I was very happy I got to speak to him as he lived 12 hours away by car. You have certainly had your share of tragedies my friend, but you are rising above it. Good for you my Friend~Lovesya~Joan
Edited on Feb 08, 5:21 because ''. -
Death of a loved one is hard to take. It leaves an empty space in your life. No one is to blame when a death takes place for the Bible tells us there's a time to be born and a time to die. I believe our time is marked on the day we are born. I have cheated death a few times because I guess it wasn't my time yet. I have also had to face the death of my dad, my mom, my niece who was only 30 and had a five year old son, a nephew who only got to live on earth for 10 weeks and another one who only lived for 3 days. I believe in what Slyvia Brown once said on Montel Williams show. She said that those that passed on are not dead, we are dead. But I also believe that once we pass we will once again live with our loved ones in a much better world. I'm sure your brother has heard your poem, I'm sure he was right there beside you as you put the words down on your page. I'm sure that he's very honored to have you for his brother and very happy that you've finally quit blaming yourself for something which you had no control over. God Bless You Jim for you deserve it.
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This is very sad yet hopeful at the same time. I am glad that you have found a way to lay aside the guilt and be able to look at what life holds. It was equally great to hear of such brothers that grew up with a great bond. You don't see much of that anymore. I am sorry to hear of your loss, although already knowing about it, I am glad that you found the strength to be able to talk about it and share it with others so you can get the support you need.
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This is such a loving and beautiful tribute. You have such a wonderful heart so full of love and raw emotion. I lost my baby brother back in 1991 at the age of 13. Keep penning and sharing your love.
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I understand how you were feeling. I carried the blame for the suicide of a friend when I was 13 for many years. I'm 41 now and of course I don't blame myself now but I did. I'm glad you've realized it wasn't your fault. This was a beautiful heartfelt write.
~Lyrical
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Your heart is in the core of your write. Very passionate and heartfelt piece. We often take on guilt that isn't ours because it is another way of holding on to the moment of loss. I know that my losses can allow me to relate very much so to yours and the pain you carry. Very well done, and thank you so much for sharing your heart and entering the contest.
Sam
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This was beautiful and I soo feel you on this. When my Mom died I blamed my self for yrs. She had an appointment with the doctors and I was to take her. She called the night before and changed her mind and didnt feel like going (turned out her blood pressure was way too high and she felt sick) and I was happy that I didn't have to drive al the way out to San Diego and sit and wait for her to be done. I should have made her go. But we can't change what others do, it is there decision and we can't change that. I am so sorry that life has handed you alot of BS, but I feel the same. Love you sweety and remember to smile, it may make someone elses day!
Hugs and kisses, Lady Raven -
i can relate to this so very much.i have lost three brothers and i find it hard to attend funerals.my sister is sick and i'm making my plans to go to nc to see her so i can say to her face how much i love her before it's too late.when you are a caring person,you take on many heartbreaks.you are special.
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