I wear your ragged,
old, blue terrycloth robe ~
so ragged
even you wouldn't wear it...
Why? Because it was yours
& I cannot bear
to throw away
any more memories...
I have a bottle,
half~full of your cologne ~
while you were away,
I soaked my pillowcase
with it
so I could sleep ~
I felt you near me
on those nights...
When you were dying,
I wanted
to crawl into your bed
& hold you ~
you were in so much pain,
I didn't.
I deprived myself
in order to spare you.
That lost last chance
nearly killed me.
Your fedora
hung by the door
where we'd lived & loved
until I had to leave
the house behind, too;
I put it on
& walked out
in tears,
feeling like I'd lost you
all over again ~
we'd had our last dance there...
The picture you'd had taken
just for me
became your obituary.
Your sister wants me
to take off your ring
& move on.
I won't. I can't.
You put it on my hand
so tenderly ~ I loved how
your eyes shined
so bright that day...
& how you laughed
the time you
bought me pearl earrings...
I was never (technically)
your wife.
But I am your widow.
As long as there is
breath left
in these wearied bones,
you will never
die completely ~
I love you still...
~ February 4, 2005
2:10 a.m.
Author notes
Picture credit: "Flaming June" by Frederick Lord Leighton
DMR, Jr. (2/26/1950 ~ 12/19/2003)
I first met Don when I was 16 & he was 25...(he was 8 1/2 years older) We dated a couple of times, then went our separate ways...I was too young & he was too intense for me then...When I was 32 & he was 40, we met again...we lived together for the next 14 years, until he passed away, a little over a year ago...I still can't believe he's gone...he made me swear I'd live & love again; I AM living...I always keep my promises...as for loving again? We'll see...it isn't really up to me...it never is...Love has a mind of its own...This poem means a lot to me for obvious reasons, as well as not so obvious...Writing this one was cathartic; it helped me begin to heal & to slowly move forward out of the infinite shadows of Grief...
Written February 4th, 2005
In a list
- Sorrow • next in list
- Stories • next in list
- Saying Goodbye • next in list
- Older Poems (under construction) • next in list
- Dedications (under construction) • next in list
What did you think
Comments
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a compelling story
loss is not easy and it must be managed as we are able. no right or wrong to this...PK
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processed sugar
There is life in memories,
life in sleep, life in colors,
life in weep deep,
yet life in experiences is naked
because mostly is alas in NEVER (an) alas.
and life is there is life in me is life in you (her) and endless turnings of a stormy heart that few would know unless they know life can be crazy when it parts and imparts...unprocessed love is pure, even if it does sound totally insane. LOL!
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A beautiful poem indeed. I can only imagine how painful that had to be for you. I'm sorry he has passed, and I'm sure he would want you to move on, however, as you have stated, Love is not something that a person chooses, Love chooses the people. Overall, a wonderful write. I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and in Life.
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Thank you for your gracious words, shadowlyn. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. Be well, Poet. Wanda
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oh dear, its so tragically sad, but beautifully written. so full of emotion, great flow. love is something that few truly understand but you seem to have grasped it here in your piece about love lost. keep up the wonderful writings and may peace go with you
~shadowlyn -
Thank you for hosting & for your kind comments...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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You're right, no one should ever know these feelings. Death is such a sad but inevitable event and I will always believe that one day we will see them again. As long as you hold that belief, it will be true. Thank you for sharing this poem, and I am so glad you are learning to heal and move on after the fact. Sorry for your loss.
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I know; it's a horribly sad one, Wendy...He'd only been gone a little over a year at the time I wrote this one...The one I entered in your other contest, "The Best Investment I Ever Made" is a stark contrast to this one...I think it shows how much I've healed & grown...& AP has had a lot to do with that...I hope you never have to endure that kind of pain...but remember, death is a part of Life, after all...& we will see our loved ones again one fine day...I can wait...I appreciate your kind words, Lady...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
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This is one of the saddest I have read of yours... I couldn't stop crying - so I just sat here for a minute, looking at my husband (sleeping on the couch)... I could never imagine my life without him. I do so admire your courage... You are such a beautiful spirit! Thank you so much for entering!
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Thank you for hosting & for your gracious words, Haley. I'm pleased you enjoyed my work. I appreciate your kindness & your time. I'm very sorry for your loss...It's a part of life, I know, but it's still hard to accept it gracefully...Still, I always say you couldn't have lost if you hadn't first gained...It's goin' on 3 years now...I still miss him horribly...but I'll see him again...he promised...Be well, Poet. Wanda
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Amazing. This brings back memories of my best friend's death...we'd always had a thing that wasn't friendship, but wasn't quite love...it was just us. I love that you guys met and parted ways, only to meet again and realize you were meant to be.
Thank you so much for entering
Haley~ -
Thank you for hosting, Dygirl...I'm glad you liked it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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another great write with truely strong emotion. Stay strong and thanks for entering.
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Thank you for hosting & for your compassionate response, Rivkah...I'm pleased you saw deep into the Heart of it all...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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There is a wow factor in this poem.... it is truely sad, and yet it shows how much one can love another. Death is always hard, for everyone but especially the person who was closests to the deceaseds heart. This is very beautiful a tribute to the one that you love. I hope that the healing process continues for you and I thank you for entering this poem.
Rivkah -
If I weep,
it is only because I wander,
lost in darkness.
When I smile,
it is because Light
has found me again.
Every breath I sigh
is a sacred memory.
Life ~ & Love ~
offer infinite Gifts;
we need only unwrap the Dream.
-
So if I cry, it is only
because I remember.
because at our last breath
I was still mesmerized
by your essence
and by every story
you would tell me. -
Thank you for your compassionate response, love turned violent...I'm glad you liked it...No one should ever know these feelings...but there are those that do...many are here at AP...Joining AP saved me from the depths, I think...Thanks for hosting a great contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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You obviously do not need my comments to prove to you that this poem is amazing, considering many before me have done my work for me. I'd love to add though that piece sincerely touched me. I felt like I myself had lost my love, I feeling I wish to never experience. Your poems are amazing in their ability to allow me to feel as the narrator [or yourself] is feeling. That to me is good writing.
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Thank you for your kind words, LovesWithTheBreeze...We are all so much more than the pain we feel...Sometimes, it takes a tragedy to remind us of that...I always say we can never lose what we have already gained...& that Love is the one thing we may take when we go & the only thing we may leave behind...Thanks for hosting a grand contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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This was beautiful, made me actually well up with tears. it definitely made me realise that while heartbreak and pain are all from the same family, it is never good to wallow in self pity when people go through these kinds of trials. I am very sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best in finding peace and contentment in your life. Thank you for entering and Good luck.
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Thank you, lost lil girl...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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great write good luck in the contest
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Thank you, ali-a-fallen-angel... Wanda
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this is beautiful.. absolutely.. thankyou 4 entering the contest
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Thank you, again...I wrote this one almost a year ago...I'm shocked when I realize just how far I've come from this day...Yes, my poetry does turn to prose when I write about Don; there are too many words & I cannot be succinct when thinking of him...After 14 years together, the imagery is overwhelming...Yet, the pieces I've done in the past couple of months are much more telling, I think...Here, in this one, I was still lost in the fog of pain...& while it will always be an ache, I am now focusing more on the love that remains...the memories I thought I'd forgotten...When you've recovered a bit from your contest ordeal, perhaps I'll send you a couple more recent links, to show you what I mean...I think I mentioned that some of my Friends seem to really enjoy my 'stories', SW being one that commented to that effect...All I know is, I've been stretching my literal wings for some time now & I like the looks of the sky...Be well, Poet...I'm doin' alright...He watches over me still... Wanda
Edited on Jan 08, 9:47 p.m. because ''. -
AHHAahhahahhahahahhaHAHAHAHHA ~is laughing uncontrollably now~
~the people with white jackets are coming closely~
TWO MORE! TWO MORE I TELL YOU!! I had considered extending this contest a little longer to give myself more time to properly critique people's entries.... But I was terrified more would be added. That the cycle would continue and I would never really escape... The twilight zone has come for me, and I have no sword, just a wet noodle. I have a feeling I'm not going to win...
Focus. Yes, I know. I'm focusing... yes... focusing on the pretty little blue elephants dancing across my desk... Do you see them? Aren't they cute? With their little bellies giggling. Don't let the models get them! Don't do it! They have a right to fat damn it!
~is slapped hard~
??? What happened? I don't know. Oh that's right, this piece. Sorry, don't take any of this offensively. I really have gone off the cliff...
We can start with the picture. I love that picture. I had that on a calendar of mine, and I adore it. I had considered starting a contest based on that picture... but I think this contest has scared me straight! (I may never be crooked again)
But your poem itself... has sobered me. Jokes aside, I think I begin to see a pattern. It seems the closer you get to heart, when it come to Don... the more your work falls into prose and not poetry. Upon reflecting on this, I think that that is due to the fact that you are still very raw in your feelings. Even after all this time, it is just as close and tender as that last day...
How do I come to this conclusion? Only that I know when I speak of my poet, in positive terms, under the intensity of his light... my work becomes infantile and undeveloped. More spoken prose as well, instead of the polished work it is lately, now that he has left me in the shadows.
The loss is terrible. I think in not telling us, but showing us in real world actions (the cologne on the pillow), it has been very effective in bringing us down into your depths with you. I am sobered indeed... -
Hi Wanda. You're welcome. I really enjoyed reading this poem. Feel free to takea look at my poems some time if you would like. I like getting different opinions. Take care!
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Thanks for your kind words...I appreciate it...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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Hi. Wow this is a really powerful and emotional poem. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that things will get better for you. I agree with your author's comments, it's not up to us. Well take care and keep up the great work!
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Indeed, He will...& He did...Thanks, Brandy3... Wanda
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Your exactly right it's not up to you,if it's meant for another to come into your life god will lead him to you.
Brandy3 -
If I ever do recover completely, I'll let you know, my Friend...the Love remains intact...As you're aware, there are many things, both physical & emotional, that remind us of those that are no longer with us here...but, have I been able to move forward & find joy in Life??? Yes...have I fallen in Love again??? Sighhh... Still waiting for that one...we don't command Love; it commands us...For a long time, I couldn't even fathom the possibility of it...I thought Love died with him...but he made me promise I'd try...after I joined AP, maybe a month or so after, say in July 2004, I had a bit of an epiphany...& it opened doors that had been bolted in my Heart...I can breathe freely again...& I know for a fact that he wants me to Love again...perhaps, one day, I shall...I Hope so...Thank you for reading, my Friend...I know you understand...so does Nic...we lost our loves around the same time...we hear each other's Hearts well...without a sound...Be well, Oisin... Wanda
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I loved a long time after someone was gone, I still do....it still hurts. I hope you recovered without many scars.
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rut, first & foremost, THANK YOU, my dear Friend...I know precisely where you're coming from & where you're trying to lead me...Your experience & immense Talent is unquestionable in my eyes...as is your Heart & Compassion...I know, without a doubt, that you are a loving & caring person, so I take NO offense at your advice whatsoever...I am most pleased by your in~depth critiquing...& I am glad you included your entire poem...it is a magnificent piece...Yes, I do see your intentions & understand what you are saying to me here...I actually started writing poetry as a replacement for the diary my brother kept finding & reading...LOL
I thought I'd write it in Spanish, but knew he could translate it (if he was enthusiastic enough); then I thought, 'I know! Symbolism!!! He'll never break that code!!!' hehehe 
As for whether I've had enough Time & Distance...Sighhh...Grief comes & goes, ebbs & flows...some days I'm fine...others, I am not...I think I have come a long, long way down the road towards recovery & the regrowth of my Heart...I am actually quite amazed by how well I have done...& I also believe finding AP has a lot to do with it...I have never been so inspired in my Life, although I have always been prolific...I have found nothing but caring, intelligent people here, immersed in their own lives & creativity, reaching out to embrace any & all with Solace...Any death is a tragedy...an early death is even more so...& this loss, after so many others, was devastating...I lost not only my Love, but the Best Friend I've ever had...However, I also know I could not lose what I had not first gained...I also know he watches over me & loves me still...& that one fine day, I will see him & my other loved ones again...I've never thought of myself as particularly religious; always thought I was more spiritual...I can't tell you how I know I'll see them again...I just do...Faith is, after all, a Belief in the Unseen & Unknown...I humbly & gratefully thank you for your Compassion, your loving words, & your welcome instruction here...I shall take your words to Heart & nurture them there...Thank you for caring enough to reach out to me in such a profound manner...We shall be speaking more as Time goes on, my dear Friend...& I am listening deeply... Wanda
Edited on Aug 28, 2:15 p.m. because ''. -
Thank you so much, Madame Butterfly...This piece was very difficult to write...even harder to experience, as you can well imagine...I appreciate your kind words, as well as selecting it as the winner in your contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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The poem is about the souvenirs of the departed...
I cannot bear
to throw away
any more memories...
the ragged,
old, blue terrycloth robe
your bottle of cologne
Your fedora ...
And this inventory is set against Don's dying and you wanting to crawl into his hospital bed to comfort him. Very poignant! But again the lack of poetic distance may cost your reader accessibility! Consider the approach in this poem about the same thing- the rich compacting of memories into the things left behind by those we have loved... admittedly, in this instance, I chose the death of my father's brother, who I was not that close to, but I try in the poem to embue his "things" with meaning and humanity, infuse them with the feeling of loss you are dealing with in "Lost & Found" (sorry I included the entire poem)
Uncle Cy's Things
Rainwater collects in empty flower pots,
an austerity of attention.
Time caroms off the walls of memory,
intimations of catastrophe;
I enter the house of the dead bachelor uncle
a week after the service. The end had come
as a shock. Perhaps catching him
in mid-sentence.
It fell to me, among far flung relations,
to settle his affairs.
Beneath floor boards of hand hewn oak,
echoes of restless wishes,
who knows what letters bundled
for a time of remembering
that never came.
Sequestered in the damp cellar
the severed roots, carrots, potatoes.
Even at the end, it seems,
he was preparing, not for death,
but for winter.
Some of the future we see
arrives just as we envision, only
without us,
plays forward without notice,
the silver anniversary of first harvests,
or first loves.
The weight of our absence,
one feather among millions,
little altered by our leaving.
Like his greenhouse.
The hydrangeas tended by his careful hand,
now gone,
blossoming
anyway.
I left with his things
bundled and boxed,
knowing what the pots were for.
The time for remembering had come.
Poetry is different from a letter home. Or a journal entry. It has different purposes and ambitions. It is a very public act. It puts your experience into the heart and hands of others.
just some ideas... hope you have enough distance on this terrible period in your life to accept what I intend as heart felt advice... love rut
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This was so great, the passion and emotion were excellent, good luck!
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Sighhh... Not really lost...the person is gone...but the Love remains...we'd never know the pain of losing if we did not first know the joy of gaining...it's all in how you look at it...Here's one of my favorite quotes, author unknown... Wanda
'We can complain that a rose bush has thorns or be grateful that a thorn bush has roses.' -
.........loss. Once lost...
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This poem is is a very sad one but also reflects on your love for this guy great write thanks for entering my contest much love Raneika
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Ahhh...but it would have been sadder still, had I not known the depths of this Love...It's the one thing that can never die...& the only thing we may take with us when we go, as well as the only thing we may leave behind...Thanks for reading with your Heart...& your Soul...Don was a Pisces...so was my ex~husband...LOL Be well, piscesprophet...I am... Wanda
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so sad, this touched my soul, I too have lost a lot of dear people in my life and i feel your pain. God bless.
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Thank you, Tiffany...I'm glad it touched you...Things are better now...He watches over me...Thanks for reading & commenting so quickly, too...I appreciate your Time...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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aww! this is si sad! another beautiful write! i thank you for sharing this piece with me, it was truly moving!you have such a way with your words... keep up the amazing work!!!
luv always
~Tiffany -
Thank you for such a gracious comment, teardrop...I always say, Time will not heal your Pain, but it will provide a different perspective; one day, the pain recedes & the good memories come flooding back...even the ones you though you'd forgotten...I wish you a gentle healing, as well...Love is the one thing we take with us when we go & the only thing we can leave behind...Be well, Poet...thanks for reading with your Heart... Wanda
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My heart to yours...yes, you are his widow.
I too am widowed and know just how deep the longing goes. Only those who have greived the loss of a loved one truly know just how deep grief really goes. Others can only imagine.
You will never forget but in time, you learn to live with the pain and finally learn how to breath and live again.
Wishing you a gentle healing.
TD -
Thank you, my Friend...I appreciate such a generous & thoughtful comment... Wanda
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Oh, Wanda. I envy your love, tho not your loss. The song says: river deep. But that's just an evaporating puddle compared to the levels you portray/live/evince.
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Thanks for your kind words...& you're welcome...Be well, Poet...
Wanda
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this is very good poem. really did a good job in expressing the lost loved one. thanks for reading mine also.
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sugs, you did not enter the contest in vain; I read your poem & thought it was lovely...I'm glad you got to read my poem, too...but never, ever underestimate the Power of your own poetic Voice, my Friend...this World needs all the Poets it can muster...I've been writing since 1973, at the age of 14...I just have more practice than you is all...LOL Lots more practice, I'll bet...Keep writing, sugs...it does make a difference...Be well...& right back atcha, Poet...
Wanda
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wow! its amazing, its so intense, with a hand at my heart, a tear trickeled down. reading the author's comment has made me love this poem,u r doing a big deal
thanx for sharing the work
after reading it i know i entered the contest in vain
well i dont mind it coz i got to c this poem ,m book marking it
good luck in the contest
n one thing more,dont know why i feel like hugging u, may be coz I am living for last 3 yrs for a promise made to someone too!
hug
n luv -
Thank you for such kind words...Have a good time judging your contest; I'm sure you'll get a lot of amazing entries...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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amazing
This is an absolutely fabulous writing. It is so touching that it brought tears to my eyes..so much emotion, so much love. I love the backgroud and the picture. You words flow together ever so gently. This is so intense that it makes you back up and take a second look...amazing...I'm speechless..wow...great job. Keep up the awesome work and I can't wait to read more of your writings. Good luck in my contest. -
Thank you, Sara...I appreciate your time...& you're more than welcome to use any background or picture I have in my collection...the only thing I ask is, if there's a credit in my author's comments, to keep it intact...A lot of my images came from Friends & I like to give credit where it's due...Thanks again, Sara... Wanda
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this is a very good pome and your right love dose have a mind of its own and most of the time i think it h8ts use all..... well thanks 4 entring and good luck in my contest
much love
sara
btw love the back ground -
Thank you, Christopher...I appreciate ya, Poet... Wanda
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t6hos poem is strong in emotion and very paticualr i love it
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Thank you, Heather...I appreciate your thoughtful remarks... Wanda
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I hear what you do not say, my Friend...it's alright; I've always said that Love is the one thing we take with us when we go...& the only thing we may leave behind...it never dies, Scribe...it just changes...We don't lose our loved ones; not really...they just go on Home ahead of us...we'll see them all again one day...this I know as Truth...Did you see my reply above, about Don's imitations he used to do??? He'd do Peter Lorre, doing Ray Charles...then switch into Peter Lorre doing Jimmy Stewart...he was such a goof...one reason we got along so well; I am, too...Thanks for reading with your Heart, my Friend...you're a Good Man, too... Wanda
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all is good
I can hardly see again. This is just TOO touching for words. I can’t say more. SirPort -
Great write, the intensity of this was completly amazing. I think the best poetry comes from when you write about real expierences that happen to you or someone close to you. In this I wouldn't even imagine the pain you felt and how you delt with this. The emotion in this was quite amazing I have to say this is one of the best poems I've read in a while. And I hate to be cliche in saying this but after reading it I was left speechless. Great write once agian, and thank you for entering this into my contest, I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing, -Heather
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awesome!!!
wow!!! this has got to be the best poem i have read in a long time! you did such an amazing job on this poem. keep up the awesoem work! -
Wow..what an emotional and amazing piece of work. This was really sad..and yet you made me feel at ease with your words. I loved how touching aNd beautiful this was..you made each and every word count. Lovely work..
By the way, I adore these lines:
I was never (technically)
your wife.
But I am your widow
Emily <33
Edited on May 15, 11:21 because ''. -
beautiful and real!
' I cannot bear
to throw away
any more memories...' tells it all so concisely and so beautifully. your images are magical. the love your felt (feel) is comes across as a solid thing that can be touched and almost understood. i have known grief (lost a child at birth, hurt my wife and children through addiction (not physically, but emotionally, which is often worse)), and i would not want to stand too close to yours. it could burn. don lives on through your continued love and this marvelous, beautiful poem. where there is love there is peace, and tomorrows that never end.
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Thanks for reading...I'm glad you liked it...Yeah, the feelings are still there, too...thanks for your gracious comment...I appreciate ya, Poet... Wanda
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wow this is very touching i love how you decribed it and i could tell u had ALOT of feeling while writting it its beautiful its a really good writing
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Thanks for reading with your Heart, Poet...I appreciate ya comin' by & leaving such a gracious comment...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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This poem had so much emotion in it. I could feel all the heart and love and remembrance as I read it. You sound like you have such a beautiful heart within you, and so strong. This was awesome, and the picture complements it completely.
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You're right, suse...he wouldn't...he used to do this amazing impression of Peter Lorre doing Ray Charles...I saw him do it a hundred times, but still laughed my ass off every single time...then he'd switch gears & do Peter Lorre doing Jimmy Stewart...whatttaguy!!! I miss his weird humor...he's watchin' over me, though...always...I'll see him again one day...he promised to save me a seat...hehehe Thanks for reading, my Friend...sorry it was so sad for ya; I thought ya knew...
Wanda
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O.K. ,just like the Connie Francis song(my heart has a mind of it's own). Loving Wanda will keep love alive infinitly.Sad Babydoll, but he would'nt want it to be .LOL~~Suseann
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Thanks for your Time, BridGeT...Have fun judging...I appreciate the opportunity to enter your contest...Be well, Poet... Wanda
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Thanks, Mary... Wanda
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this write was so beautiful.....yet very sad.....so much emotion was felt when i read this.....great write....thanks for entering and good luck.
Bridget -
Wanda, this is absolutely beautiful sniffle So much of your heart is open and laid out here. This tribute left me speechless (trust me, that's a feat in itself ). I could "feel" every painful word. An exceptional write, indeed!
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Again, thank you for your Heart in reading my words about my Love...It's only natural that I write about him now, since I wrote so many poems for him while he was alive...Thank God...He was my best supporter & biggest fan; I only wish he'd lived to see AP...It was AP that brought me out of the worst depression I'd ever known...he died 6 days before Christmas in 2003; I missed the entire Winter...I stared at the wall for 3 months, pretty much in a fetal position the whole time...without even knowing I was...He was very ill for the last 4 years of his life...he'd been hospitalized numerous times...but he'd always, always come home...this time, he didn't...I was devastated...What made it even worse is that we'd come through some very hard times...in the last 5 years of his life, we lost my favorite sister, my mother & his father...this loss, by far, was the worst...He was the best friend I ever had, let alone the best love...I know you understand, & I am profoundly sorry for that...we are near the same age, too...I will be 47 in September...I lost 15 people from my immediate circle in 12 years, not including friends & acquaintances...it taught me to always tell someone I love them while I have the chance; Life is far too brief as it is...& it can change in the beat of a Heart...These are hard lessons we must learn in life...but I am doing fairly well...I think he would be ~ is ~ proud of me for carrying on as well as I have..He did try to prepare me for his death; it cannot be done...I'm sorry these poems made you cry...Perhaps, it may help you to know that, no matter how much it may feel like it, you are never truly alone in your Grief...There are others here like you & I...we seem to find each other when we need to...& Yes, writing about our loved ones does help us to cope...& it also helps us preserve our memories...sometimes, we even retrieve memories we'd thought were lost...Be well, Poet...If you ever need to talk, I am here quite often...& my shoulders are broad...Be well, Honeydew... Wanda
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This poem really got me crying.. you keep on wearing that raggy robe and put cologne on your pillow..keep his memory alive..the whole write got me crying..one stanza that got me was when you said:
I wanted to crawl into your bed and hold you..
you were in so much pain I did'nt..that really touched me for I wanted to do the same with my husband.. but I did'nt..
I wish now that I did..
you keep wearing that ring!and when you take it off it does not mean you don't love him..there will come a time when you store it away that is when you realise you are moving on..
each person has his/her way of copeing..so do what is best for you..if I had my husbands ring I would still be wearing it..but I threw it down the street years ago in the heat of an argume
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