It's Different Now

its funny how badly
it hurts to laugh,
but i do it anyway
because of my health.
i watch tv so much now
but i have no idea what im watching.
i sing songs i dont even know now.
i dont know why, i just do.
i havent been hungry lately.
i usually eat all the time.
im a nervous eater...
but not anymore.
i dont like to play piano anymore.
i just get this weird feeling when i play now.
when my fingers touch the keys,
it just doesnt feel right anymore.
im always trying to keep myself busy.
waiting for people to call me who i dont even want to talk to.
i stopped sewing too,
i dunno, nothing there to make right now i guess.
i havent taken a picture in forever.
i havent had inspiration here recently.
i dont know why.
im always doing things i never did, now.
like, i pace a lot.
i sleep with my windows open sometimes now.
im not sure what im waiting for.
but it feels like im waiting for something.
im seeing someone special soon.
but thats so new to me.
i get really nervous if im in a room by myself now.
it kinda confuses me, but...a lot of things do.
im losing a lot of weight.
but you know what the weird thing is??
i dont even care.
i normally worry about my weight a lot.
youd think id be happy about it.
but it doesnt really matter, for some reason.
i cant sleep.
i start thinking when i lay down.
i hate thinking now.
hey, you know what?
i think...i hate doing anything now.
hmm. i cant understand whats wrong with me.
im not depressed. seriously.
people like me dont get depressed.
i have it all together.
its all under control.
really, im okay.