Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise…
Corpse conductors in smug suits
death dangling their breath
benevolent sent
to stitch your lips shut
dig a ditch to your eternity.
I wore my most obscure dress
my most obscene shoes
bore down the broken passage
to your mahogany box.
Inanimate inside
I can not cease to clinging
my trinkets of recollect.
Leavings of your wishing wine
smudged orange peel skin
from fermenting your phantoms
finally failing your shell.
~~~
Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise…
Only four hundred ninety
two days you were permitted.
I brought your bassinet
when I met you
snow chocolate small.
I would then grasp vigil
earning your wisdom
of walking and falling.
Inquisitive little hands
questioning my hair, my air.
Until his huge hands
layered with brutal insanity
pummeled your body broken.
They could only build you
a bisected mahogany box
for your miniature covering.
~~~
Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise
still alive chasing the dead
always near you both when I arrive.
Today January rain skies will
not cooperate with my penitence.
I came to build snow castles
only to make mud pies instead.
Author notes
Written January 30th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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This is an amazing poem.....Words fail me....I hope all is ok.....thanks for this....
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Dear Dawn,
I miss you a great deal. Where ever you are, I hope you are well. -
My Dearest Dawn,
I want to first express the haunted feeling I experienced when I read this poem the first time. Upon my second read, lines jumped out at me that I seemed to miss on my initial read, and my third observation, left me gasping for air, as if I were buried alive with my mouth opened while releasing silent screams.
Your metaphors are premier! The vivid imagery that your pen inks is stellar! You pull us in from the onset and release us with a jolt upon ending.
My heart is somewhat wrenched after raading this, for just today in the local paper, a father got 25 years to life for shaking his 6 month old and throwing him to the floor, shattering 26 bones. The child lived for 12 hours in intense pain and head trauma. The mahogany box in my mind is one this father should have been in, for the prison sentence was far to light in my opinion. What would cause a parent to crush his/her baby befuddles my imagination.
Your poem although melancholy and explosively dolorous, is intense and angelic. You always stun my muse senseless. Your talents abound my heart, never let your ink well run dry. SUPERB!
You are ALWAYS in My Thoughts & Prayers
Renee ♥ -
you catch the reader's attention with that first line. repeating it throughout the piece left me with an almost resolved feeling. not sure how to explain it. you have a greatability to show the reader. it's very, very hard to do this well; throughout your piece, you are continually introducing new things for the reader to feast upon. you leave the reader with loss - overpowering in itself. beautiful piece...
illusions -
You have the most critiques I have seen, except for Sea Pixie, I think. Wow! I haven't broke my first 1000.
If I read this right, child abuse, and death of a baby. Tragic. If that's not it. Sorry, I missed. A lot of those types of writes around, now. I hope it is fiction. This is a subject I haven't written about. Probably won't. Too depressing. Well written, though.
Andy -
Dawn: Some time back I promised to read your own works, following your posting an insightful critique on one of mine. This poem, though written three months ago, is marvelous. You have a wonderfully complex form, and direct the reader through a dire epiphany of tragedy and consequential self-hell. You further employ a litany of excellent poetic devices, of which the first three lines of the furst full stanza are representative. E.g., Alliteration and consonance ("Corpse conductors in smug suits / death dangling") and assonance on the soft "e" of "their breath / benevolent sent." You follow that with outstanding and wildly imagic visuals, and never stray from the dark territory of the piece. I am so glad you posted a comment on my work -- I now know another outstanding poet on the site. My single regret is that it appears you are highly selective when you post your own excellent works.
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rain in january, and for some reason, thes more then anything made me cry. this seemed to be of the loss of a wee one, but i also... (and this os naught but my mind set this day) took it as the death of an innocent. my love whom passed, a year this day, was in my eyes but a child in heart. and i was protective, she needed looking after, and was oh so innocent and niaev. so whilst this was probably about a wee one (my condolences for that) i could apply it to my life. and it made my heart so sad, i wanted to cry wi' ye, and for ye. as well as curse thoes skys for no co-operating wi' ye. beauty in word is hard enough, but a hear... real feelings, that leap out. i didna need to understand the matter to ken the tears in here. ye could 'ave been speaking another language entirely... and och, we would still feel your pain, in we rivlets down out faces.
arden -
Dawn~Dew
Oh sweetie, this is so heartbreaking and sad, I am sorry for your loss, and that you had to endure such pain.
Your writing, as always, never ceases to amaze me
Love you, lots
Karen
's
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This was so sad, yet beautifully written. I take it you're mourning the loss of a child in this piece because of a man's abuse towards it. I'm sorry you had to experience this, I really am. Death itself is a horrible thing to deal with, but a child dying knowing they could have done something with their life is SO much worse. This was a really emotional piece.
~*DaNa*~ -
sad, touching.
Wow! This is really powerful!
is this biograghical? -
I don't know what to say,
You amaze me too much. -
you amaze me with every piece you write. I am sorry this is a personal write for you, and I send good thoughts your way. May you find those snow castles instead of mud pies.
You are one of the most talented authors that I have ever known, and an inspiration to me through tough times. Thank you for blessing not only me, but hundreds of others with your pure words and open heart.
I wish many happy times for you!
~~Jenn -
First off, I really liked your ending and that is not something everyone can pull off well. Trust me, I have read many poems and have been left feeling like I was left somewhere on a lone stretch of highway, but you, you made me feel full, satisfied, like I had just read something that captured the essence of poetry on a large enough level to cause my imagination to pour open and burst loud with screams of joy.
You have a very haunting tone to your speech that takes the reader from the grave to the sky and back to the grave again, so that I feel almost like I am getting a dozen different views of the same object. It causes this cut to be formed in my heart that bleeds and bleeds and bleeds at each image.
Taking me on a visceral, yet soothing journey of words that cause text to jump off the page and come alive with lungs and breath that eats away at the lining of my boots and bites my toes, because it wants and deserves my attention.
I have not been this moved in a week or so, as I read poetry often and most of the time don't find something worth my interest, but this catches the reader, whether they enjoy the piece or not, there is this factor of attraction that comes from your first stanza,
"Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise…"
because it introduces the idea, but doesn't release the whole story. It asks you to read further before you judge the entire piece.
And this poem is definitely not something that you just read the first few lines and pass by, you have to read the entire thing, possibly a few times over again, just to grasp the vast sense of reality it carries.
Most especially I enjoyed these lines,
"I wore my most obscure dress
my most obscene shoes
bore down the broken passage
to your mahogany box."
as they give me a sense of appearance that I can add to what I already have built of the character in the poem and I am almost reminded of Marla Singer, the overly bitter and jaded supporting character of the film and book, Fight Club. Those lines sound like something she might have said, as her view of death and those around her usually centered around being sarcastic and always having to make a scene of everything.
I see a woman in all black and a low cut dress in the midst of winter adorned and dolled up like a very dirty lady, acting as if she is paying a visit to a bar rather than a funeral.
But I don't find that image in anyway offensive. It is actually quite funny and poetic all in the same expanse of words.
A truly enjoyable poem, that breathes with life and shouts out to me, "read, read, read", and it deserves such a shout.
I will be reading this again, many times because there is always something hidden that I probably misssed.
Extremely well-done.
much love,
James
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gorgeous poem. it seems so sad and beautiful and tragic way. i hope this isn't based on true events. thanx for commenting on my poetry, btw. great write, so keep writing, and have a nice day.
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Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise
still alive chasing the dead
always near you both when I arrive.
Today January rain skies will
not cooperate with my penitence.
this is really good i love it and i love walking in graves so yeah..........shannon
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Really deep there Dawn, you have skills, thanks for sharing, love ya...!
lil Tim
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Well Done!
You always no how to make a come back, this write truly has some emotion in it, and how that imagery you throw around just to prove a point is amazing, keep on posting dear, sad, glad, no matter, I miss your heart of poetic words!
I love ya lots my friend, never forget that...
's -Timothy The Poetic Weaver
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Excellent writing, heartbreaking
Corpse conductors in smug suits
death dangling their breath
The Perfect analogy, i swear to God undertakers are all from a underground world of the living dead. Definitely from a different species.
Darn girl this is so sad!
From what i gather from the poem this was a lost of a child
surrounded by abuse that was close to you.
Some of us many times have worried about abuse with friends and maybe even family members but when it's a child that is the victim, it's that much more horrifying. A memory that doesn't go away that easily, because they were so defenseless.
It always seems to lay the burden on the most loveliest of hearts that wish they could of somehow known and been able to do more. Abuse extends itself far beyond the victim, to family, friends and love ones who care. They're all victims of this senseless crime. As i can see, by how much this still burdens your sweet heart Dawn. Maybe it wasn't in vain sweety, many times we are put in that position for a reason and sometimes something good will come from it all. i hope so Hon
We never know why we are in a certain place and time and for what exact reason.
This brought tears Hon, i know how much your heart must ache.
Hope it helped you by writing it down in poetic form.
As Always your writing grabs at my heart girly ~
"Love You Sweet gal"
Special! 's
XXO Mina ` `
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Insightful and real.
I wish everybody would feel a loving hand over their chest that would lend honest comfort. A friend of mine takes pride in saying her cat has never known an unkind act and has no fear of retribution for being a cat. A calming effect comes from real and vulnerable people. At least that's what I surmise...LOL! Maybe my personal psychology makes me see this world unrealistically...but me...I believe. Your journey knows pain and your metaphors are painful yet reveal a margin of peace. You know my philosophy. Peace Through Love. Timothy -
so intense and sad. Well done
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This poem speaks volumes about life and death a sure tragedy to anyone
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A moving work. You caught me with "Corpse conductors" and took me along down the "broken passage" with your words. When we arrived where "grass meets demise" and you stopped to make mud pies I found I had tears in my eyes. Bravo..
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dawn, this is a very well written, deep and sad penn. I enjoyed the read alot. I especially liked this part~~~~~
Here I last left you
where grass straddles demise
still alive chasing the dead
always near you both when I arrive.
Today January rain skies will
not cooperate with my penitence
~~~~Love and Light~~~~
~~Blaze~~ -
Wonderful
So sad this lament.
I sorrow for you as I did when Mom passed away...,
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The bitterness is almost haunting. Your descriptions are intense, the emotions are raw and clawing. I thought of suicides and abandonment and all sorts of things really.
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very good
Wow! this was truely amazing! I'm impressed and I am not easily so. You said so much I really like this piece. Good job. Keep up the good work -
Woah! I love that! Fuck'n A, that was great, Well done, very well done! Theres alot of feeling in it, I love how different and unique it is, great job. Keep up the awesome writing.
P.S. You might wanna check out the song "dig up her bones" By the MISFITS, you might like it!
-AZ- -
great poem. i like it alot. it ha alot of feeling in it. maybe i'll take a look at some of your other stuff. anywho, great write so keep writing, and have a nice day.
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This is really good. I had to read it twice to make sure I understood it but it's still a good piece. Very different and unique. Great write!
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i dont know what its about. but to me its about burying a child. i dont know. it is sad though and well penned.
Blu -
I use to work at a cemetery, the childrens graves seem to call out. My memories are too clear of sad moments from those days. So many tearful parents. It is a very good write, if it is true I am sure it was a very tearful write. I know if I was writing it, even if it wasn't true there would be many tears. keep penning.
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This poem really depicts the guilt and sadness of death in a very hard-hitting way. I really have been moved by this... I have read poems about death, but, your poem has struck me the hardest. I can picture someone so brought down by grief over the loss of a child... it hurts to think about. Your poem is very well written too! I liked the flow and choice of vocabulary... it seemed your words fit the murky atmosphere of memory of death. Well done, my friend. Keep up the wonderful work and have a great day! Thanks for writing this piece! Love and peace!
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very, very powerfull
Wow, this is so beautiful and tragic.
something so difficult to tread around, so difficult to not cause offense about, came back to haunt you when your careful treading only resulted in sorrow. hugs. this is so sad....and a wonderful poem...well done -
Excellent!
Wow....I am speechless after reading this, Dawn. Intensely moving, it grips at the heart - how well you ring your "trinkets of recollect". A poem that rings with sadness and melancholy - bittersweet the memories...
I am quite wordless - don't know how to describe the impact of this poem. Such excellent choice and placement of words, absolute poetic depth of emotions that stir the leaves of the heart, exquisite imagery - a poem that pulls the reader in until it feels like one is walking with you down the corridor, seeing the casket, replaying the memories of hurt, pain and disappointment of a double story (if I can call it that). The last paragraph lingers in the mind - so powerful the feelings of futility... Wonderful metaphors throughout this poem. A poem that will stay with me long afte I've left - wonderful example of poetry!!
~ Nicolette
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hm... at first I thought it was about someone else then that little box kept cropping up. And here you are carrying the guilt of their demise again. Whats going on eh? Sometimes we try do as much as we can for people, and even when you do all you can, its still not enough. But the main thing is you tried, and I know it is hard when something awful happens. I believe things happen for a reason, to teach us a lesson, to maybe be thankful for something, or thankful for sharing apart of others lives. And it hurts, yes kills our souls but with each passing day we become stronger then the memories haunt us again.
An excellent write, I can't say I have one that is as good up to now, you've blown me away mate.
Well done -
Dawn,
I am speechless, Very powerful piece. I've read about abuse and death before but, this one stands out the most.
Yvonne
p.s. good to see you back writing.
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