Ashen Coats, licked with oily loving tongues
sag off the scuttering tube-trough residents
Noise and light flushes over them like an
angel, filled to tersity with coiled souls,
Its fleeing retreat stirs up day-old papers
but history is made over decaying grape-juice
and read to be forgotten, usually.
A lady enters, bellowing for alcohol, and fags
Jesus Jnr. smiles apologetically and rolls his eyes
to Heaven, who's sitting next to him on the train
and glances back. He checks his watch, which has
stopped, and watches her reflection pulse
in opacity in the scratched window opposite
As they flash through tunnel, after tunnel
after tunnel.
Author notes
Written January 30th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This piece reminds me just as to why I luv poetry...
Imagery, varied interpretations and metaphors
I wouldnt't change a thing about this and all I can say is many applauses are deserved on this one.
Best wishes
-♥ G -
This struck me as a a subway ride filled with interesting and unknown people. Did you know that "Jnr." is actually just "Jr."? I think the imagery in this piece was overdone and it took away from the actual meaning and tone of the poem. It seemed as the diction was highly formal and might leave many readers confused. If it's not necessary for your overall meaning, then I would suggest toning it down a bit. Just some thoughts.
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BRAVO!!!
Ok ... to tell you the truth the first stanza threw me for a loop. (Im slow sometimes, well most of the time) But after I reread it a couple of times.. I thought that's brilliant... Although I still don't know what the word tersity means... Could the word perhaps be touristy..... maybe not? Anyway ... upon reading it again I thought ... oh, man there is some wonderful imagery in this poem and I saw the beauty in your word choices. Love the second stanza that describes the train pulling out of the station. I especially love how you ending this write. I have to say that I enjoyed reading this immensely. Beautifully done. Thank-you for sharing this with us.
Razzberry
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goodness this was awesome. the imagery in this was absolutely increddible, i cannot believe some of the similes you chose to describe some of your images, it made such perfect since. the tunnel of life and any journey is surely a long one, and i seriously translated this poem into passengers on a train...i dont know. it was very very fantastic and mystical. i loved it.
luv,
*KIM* -
hmmmm. i don't get the end, probably people you know- you could phrase it better-
Did they run off or something?
Ok I'm dense, Did they run off or something??? -
if their ever was a poem that better fitted the word weird it would be this poem, and that isnt a bad thing, but to be honest i didnt get the overall meaning
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innovative to say the least
i enjoyed how you've taken a normal, every day piece of tedium and transported it into a different look with your words.
well done! -
This is very interesting, but it’s not my style, sorry but I didn’t like it. I think that you’ve done an ok job with it, but not the best… sorry, but good job…
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Good poem!
Reminded me of a scene in Wim Wenders' majestic movie "Der Himmel uber Berlin" (released in English speking territories as "Wings of Desire"), where the angel sits next to passengers on a train and listens to the murmers in their heads...beautiful!
I love:
"light flushes over them like an angel, filled to tersity with coiled souls"
Magnificent!
Well done!
Cheers! -
A unique work. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before. The wording style is very interesting, and you convey an odd mood, but overall I like this. It's a very enjoyable work. Keep writing.
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This was VERY well worded. It really streaches the mind.
"Jesus Jnr. smiles apologetically and rolls his eyes
to Heaven, who's sitting next to him on the train"
I love this part, though I'm not sure why I'm drawn to it. -
Excellent
A train ride to where...
I loved the first stanza..the palor of the neon flashing over corpses passing through....reaching their final destination ...call it a flight of fantasy 
I enjoyed it....it made me think 
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Great piece! The use of words was fantastic! Somehow you could reach the reader in some mysterious way. This was fun to read and ponder about! Great job, and keep up the good work!
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Life in its own, is so poetic. And you just proved that here. You have given us visuals to take us along with you, through tunnel after tunnel, lights flash, day to night. very good.
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Very good poem, the use of words and metaphores was super, I was transpoted on that train, you managed to take the reader there as if they were looking at the scenes with you, this is a very good write and gave me pleasure to read it very well done, all the best, it was a super write
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