the sun licks at faded freckles
upon his nose. beautiful face.
they rise together
somnolent through the moody winter dawn.
...his grasp in morning: a plea
to my arms for refuge from bitter winds circling
our front steps...
i feel the day, tense, arrogant
encircling this blanketed enclave, threatening
to split open upon us. teasing to steal fast
the drips of space between dream
and rushing traffic.
the sun smiles on our love.
pulls clouds to her eyes hesitating
the quick of pace.
amid the gentle anarchy of our limbs, his lips
still coated with longings of sleep
open my own into a kiss. a small kiss. a kiss
to say good morning
and i love you and so much.
a kiss, for words would drown
the perfect of this silence. his eyes (beautiful eyes.)
always so full in silence.
l-. (jan. 27/05)
Author notes
would be interested in feed-back. generally stay away from writing love (lovish) poems.. but it's been some time since i've put something down about the boy/love/etc.
l-.
Written January 29th, 2005
A contest entry
- love [real (good) poetry only] by SomnusLupus.
500 points, ended February 6, 2005, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Nice...this was a love poem that didn't end up being some cliche sap-type poem. Which is really wonnderful. I love how you began the stanzas at different points. Also, this manages to capture one moment and turn it into something believable for the reader, unlike in some poetry where the moment seems so fake and unreal. Very good job on this!
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Beautiful. The last verse was incredible. You could feel it shaking their world in the best way possible. You could feel the surrounding silence. It was real.
Nice write.
Peace. -
sweet
One of the nicest love poems I’ve seen in a while. I like that it’s this fleeting moment that you stretch out. At first, the third line of 1st stanza bothered me, because “they” seemed to be the two people, but then switched, but now I’m all curious if it’s the boy and the sun together, the freckles and the nose or the face? Just a little tidbit that’s fun to speculate.
Also like the arrogant day – arrogant seems like such a masculine word somehow.
The ending just purrs to a close, and I particularly like the last line. Reminds me of Neruda.
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how lucky the boy must be to have a woman scribe him in verse; how lucky you must be to have him.
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too many love poems are really cheezey and kind of fake, but you've captured a moment when everyone realizes how much they love a certain person, and remind everyone of that. waking up with the one you love. i don't think anyone could say i love you better than you have with this poem without actually saying the words. very nice job on every line.
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Truely remarkable
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haha.
i love it when you talk pretty to me cutie.
l-. -
I liked this and I have been meaning to comment, but all my time gets eaten. I must come back.
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sweet laurili
with her pretty talk
...wish i could do it
maybe i'll talk pretty to you instead
its just too bad
i'd like to cut out a freckle
on the boy i love/ed
but hey
we gotta have that red emotion in there
somtimes! and you did it justice
MUAH
the ending was great
the strong silent type
though there is just something so mysterious
about a man who never talks
...only with his lips
kind of turns me on
you rawk
ashes~ -
tricky, and tensional, and sort of pawing back and forth from highs to lows. I thought of someone in a jungle, moving from tree to tree, shivering at the foreign sounds.
Some of that must be the separation and the variations on the stanza entrances. But I notice now the opening lines, as well. I like them, short, but not quite abrupt.
Very hard to be as .. uncomplex as the end without cliche or that special, rotten loss hollow-ring - from a poetic standpoint. What's so frustrating about romantic poetry is that as soon as you try to directly but some of the intensity and grandiosity of your own emotions on paper, they lose their ability to convince... in person, you can make a statement of extreme emotion and it can be believeable through posture and the glaze (glare?) in the eye. But on paper, as soon as you begin to stack on adjectives, or absolutist declarations, - the words immediately lost their own connotations to the outside reader - it sounds like someone exaggerating something instead of something really that strong.
I tangented there. But anyway, you do a pretty good job of avoiding that through stutter, and incongrous detail and in half-supporting, half-integrating, half-camouflaging what's coming. This is one of the better I Love You's i've seen in a poem. The struggler-er parts are the second-last line, and the third stanza, a little.
Real good stuff, though.
Hearts, J -
Wonderful
Aww, well this was beautiful. There's a fantasy feel to the words for me that almost made me get lost in them. So beautiful. Great work -
A lovely love poem full of such tender feelings, one can see that you are very much in love, lovely use of words and also good use of metaphores, this is such a sweet poem and the love felt shines through like the rays of the sun, good luck in the contest I am sure it will do very well, all the best and keep writing a lovely fresh poem like a breath of fresh air, all the best.
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Beautiful write. I loved the flow and the touching picture you painted with your words. Well Done.
Countrybabe 
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Congratulations this is very good how long hav u been writing for? i am onli a beggineri will send you a poem i hav wrote if u want your poem brightened my day thank you for your poem plz send me more if u want
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wonderful
You have a way of making you readers feel the passion that you that the poem exhibits and i leaves a person wanting more and always seems to bring about a joy. Reading yhis poem makes me feel like if i hadn't i would have missed out on something wonderful. -
haha. had to change the background..
thanks for stopping by.
l-. -
hey! that part, the 'her' is a personnification of the sun... possibly unclear because the sun often is thought of as a male figure, possibly unclear because of my writing, lemme know. and thank you so much for the amazing comment!
l-. -
Perfect Write
WOWWWWWWWWWWWWw I like this one alot amazing work here. such strong words that come deep within your heart and soul. It's like how dew drips from the sweetest rose and falls upon the dry ground thats how your poem makes me feel I melt into the words. I give this Two Thums Up on this fine write. Thank you so much for sharing this with my family and I. Keep up the awesome work you do.
,hope to read more of your work. Keep in touch
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good work
very heartfelt and full of passion .. i knew that you were really into the feelings that you hold with your beautiful eyed lover ... great read ... thanks for sharing your heart ..
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2 Thumbs, a toe, and an ear hair up!
Good job on your poem. I have to point out though with the black background and the orange and white type I keep thinking about Halloween. LOL! Anyway keep writing.
~BettY~
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I usually don't like love poems as they tend to be mushy and gushy and make me gag but this is beyond beautiful. Your language is wonderful rich in imagery. Yes he has beautiful eyes. Someone once told me it's all in the eyes.
One place I had a problem. This seems to be told in the first person but in this stanza you speak of her, being the third person. Or maybe I'll go back and read again. I could be wrong...it happens. Doesn't matter this is lovely.
Desiree
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