Frantic flashes illustrate my view,
Random moments shot into the light;
Thunder crushes every hope anew.
I pass the night in a frail abandoned home,
A weary vagrant teen deprived of will
Awaiting the dawn within its quaking hold.
Visions strobe throughout the empty room,
Shadows briefly singed by every bolt;
Frantic flashes illustrate my view.
I curl within my bag against the wall;
There’s nothing left for the winds to rip from me,
A weary vagrant teen deprived of will.
Etched amid the suffocating gloom,
Monster clouds roll black against the night;
Thunder crushes every hope anew.
I’ve struggled to grasp what life could ever mean
As memory and mind are stripped away;
There’s nothing left for the winds to rip from me.
Leafless limbs are drawn in sepia hues;
Stark against the darkness of my thought,
Frantic flashes illustrate my view.
I watch and listen, numb and half-aware,
My slumber but vivid streaks of fitful dream,
As memory and mind are stripped away.
Anxious waiting constantly resumes;
Shocked repeatedly from fugue to doubt,
Thunder crushes every hope anew.
I try to manage what rest I can redeem,
Protected from the storm by shifting frames,
My slumber but vivid streaks of fitful dream.
Desolation roars the whole night through;
Forces seem to tear the world apart;
Frantic flashes illustrate my view;
Thunder crushes every hope anew.
Uncertain shadows pose in countless forms;
I pass the night in a frail abandoned home,
Protected from the storm by shifting frames,
Awaiting the dawn within its quaking hold.
Author notes
to learn more about the hybridanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/1086828/all=1
Written January 14th, 2005
In a list
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Comments
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HA! I found something by you that I don't have to go look up to understand. Anyway this is great, I have never been afraid of thunder storms; (although I know that isn't the only thing you are illustrating here) I have been in the same room with those that are freaked out by them and they get really tense.
There are alot of thunder storms where I am from so that would explain it. The way you represented the shadows as if they were mortal was really creepy and cool! Anyway I am glad I found this one.....
KAY -
the imagery was wonderful and the feeling was real not just "hollywood"
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I think that you are a very good writer, and I know you put a lot of stock in these forms you're inventing. Unfortunately, I am not that much into experimenting, so I doubt if I will try any of them. I prefer sonnets and villanelles. However, you have done a great job on this anyway. I can always admire good work, whether I care to attempt it or not.
I know what you mean about other people not liking what you are doing though. I have had that problem for many years. They don't like rhyme and they bitch and complain about it. I write it anyway, and don't worry about what "they" think. I imagine you will eventually come to that conclusion as well.
Edited on Apr 28, 2:40 p.m. because 'typo'. -
blacksabbath: it's my own little invention.
look forward to an article that explains this poetic form with a good deal of detail. -
this is a great poem i havent seen a poem written in this style before, to be honest ive never really heard of it before
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Poet by choice
You are a very disciplined writer. I might be wrong but I thought there is a constant duplet that takes me from the beginning of one stanza through the end of the next stanza. That is awesome...Is this a tetra/villa hybrid...I am very weak on knowing the differences but hopefully I can catch up! This site is so overwhelming with people who write poetry well... -
Grat job on this. It flowed really well. I also liked the way you punctuated the ends of all the lines. It really adds a lot to the poem. Great job.
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Great work,I love the flow of this,i was amazed at the words on this write,I love to read something that i can see my self goingthrough or just feeling..
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This is very good,it kept my intrest all the way through...
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Great poem. You display emotion very well throughout. Great flow..it's hard to do that sometimes but you did it great. Great write and keep up the great work.
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Excellent
Beautiful... It conveys a lot of feeling, it flows, it creates wonderful imagery, it's... It's perfect. Excellent job. Keep up the great work ^.^
-Audrey -
sweet
this is really a beautiful poem has wonderful flow and shows great emotion. I also disagree with negotiator, anything is nice that ends in hun. -
I know someone who went through the same thing, they ran away to an abandoned house and watches the thunderstorm. it was like he was trying to capture why his being was on earth, why he was living. What was the point of life?
he was just a little boy that had been through so much. He was in a mental institution for a whole year, all he did was stare out the window the whole time he was in his room.
This poem was written by that little boy. -
AWSOME!
WOW!
This is an amazing poem. Your style is incredible. This write has such a great flow. Keep the pen in hand. -
Very cool and fantastic flow to this poem. I never read a hybridanelle before but it looks interesting. Looks sort of like a villanelle too. Which I guess is kinda what it is. Nice job. Nice description. Keep up the good work!
~CT -
Excellent job!!
Wonderful flow fantastic choice of vocabulary an excellent read!! -
this was amazing! very gripping! I loved these lines:
'My slumber but vivid streaks of fitful dream,
As memory and mind are stripped away.'- fantastic! -
wow, extremley good. Two villanelles in one. This is, in my opinion, one of the hardest forms to write in, and you pulled off two of them. Good job.
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Visions strobe throughout the empty room,
This line is extremely powerful! Good job, the best line in the poem!
My only criticism is the length of the poem. You have a very strong piece here, but I think if you edited it and made it shorter your message would be even more effective and ten times more powerful for your reader's pleasure!
I would love to see your edited piece! -
Well, at least no-one said "Hun" in the end.
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I loved it. I especially liked the adjectives and vocabulary that you used. Very nice work.
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this really made me think and it was beautifully written. i really liked how it all came together. keep writing you're good at it.
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This is nice, i love the alliteration and the depth, try not too get lost in the detail
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beautiful. I looooooooooooove this so much! I think the form is so lovely...must try it out sometime...anyways, great write, much love and APPLAUSE, keep penning!!!
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WWWWWWWWWWOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWeee!!! that was great!!!!!!!Thnx for sharing so much good work
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Very enjoyable read!
I love the shifting frames as we at times have our own "shifting frames" and can become survivors of the night well done!! -
I was so drawn into this,I lost myself in a monment,WONDERFUL>>>
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Phew, I enjoyed this immensely! The form was pleasant and the marriage of flow and content worked nicely. Splendid write !
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Beautiful. I love hybrids...the pure strains are often boring and this was anything but. I think I'll have to read more by you, Mr. Thomas. Excellent.
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Though it is a good poem before you were saying stick to the rules yat here you hybrid lol
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It is amazing that agonized happenings that seem to take for ever in real time can sometimes be summarized into a few philosophical stanzas - Well done – Albert.
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This was like a futile struggle up a deeply shadowed hill against a violent wind. Those repeated lines for me... as though hostile debris thrown at hope by that wind. The structure is unbalanced by this repetition, an obsessive, sisyphean slide of thought that enfolds itself like a shrinking room. The narrative is destabilised as a merely contemplative object by its seaming into itself, embroiling a readers memory in a reflexive jab. I'm reading Robbe-Grillet's 'The Voyeur'... your use of repetition is similarly disturbing.
The tight formal structure also provides a tension played upon by the content. If i have any criticism, it is that this formal emphasis does slightly drown for me the impact of the actual imaginary content, which becomes abstracted and subsequently rebuts empathy... but again, this also invokes the disturbing affect.
It is fantastic to read a work whose structure so effectively calls for thought's engagement. I'll be sure to read your other work. -
Very nice apocalyptic view of homelessness. I think it's a great idea to experiment with poetic form, but I still feel there's a place for spontaneity. You can over-analyse form and structure. Which is just what I'm about to do. Personally speaking, I find the extra syllables disturb the flow a bit. I know that villanelles don't specify a number of syllables, but your count varies from 9-11.
I like the balanced 10 syllables of:
A weary vagrant teen deprived of will
I watch and listen, numb and half aware
But I find the extra syllable in:
I've struggled to grasp what life could ever mean
And the missing syllable in
Frantic flashes illustrate my view
Throw out the balance just a little. Of course, maybe you intend to disturb the reader - with such subject matter that would make a lot of sense.
Please feel free to get stuck into any of my work, if you feel inclined. I'm sure you'll find plenty to criticise there. Best Wishes.
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DeBracey: see, these are the kinds of thoughts i like the most. i love knowing if and how my writing affects people, and you've given me a very nice window into how this poem has affected you. thank you.
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Erin I came to have another look, thinking about what you said re thought processes. I knew that particular line about 'I Curl up within my bag against the wall' had more than a passing significance, and it has broken the memory of when I was 17 being on a history field trip, staying in a youth hostel which happened to be in a castle on the Welsh borders. The only lighting was a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling which fused out in a storm such as you describe here. I was not frightened of the storm exactly, but of the way the storm brought fears within to the fore, curled up in the bag on the creaky iron bunk while the thunder and lightning raged through the window bars. I was not alone, as you were here, but the sense of aloneness of that night despite the presence of other boys has never really gone. I have found it in many ways to have been a very positive thing. Just thought I would share that don't really know why, but if poetry does reach those hidden places in a reader it is a good write indeed.
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Erin,
If I put a contest together, will you help me judge it? Let me know.
Del -
dewbee: i suppose it can be. sometimes powerfully constructive and meaningful, other times powerfully destructive and meaningless.
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isn't the inner life a powerful thing...?
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a fabulous ening to a fabulous poem. it reminded me of a seizure. visual seizure. i dont have them, nor do i know how they are. but the idea of shaking uncontrollably. vision wise. or linkin park's music video breaking the habit or something like that. i dont know. i liked it. good job with writing it. enjoyed.
Blu -
Good Piece
My first piece by Erin Thomas. Do you feel more at ease with writing now that you ahve left behind that former psuedonym of yours, dear Writer?
Keep up the good work. This is a good poem, with a great deal of structure and form. Yes, some believe there can be no pleasure in structure, and I would agree. What limits some give to the soul and teh conscious! Unfetter it, and see what it creates! be at ease, dear Friend. hope to read more from a more sincere version of yourself.
Goodday. -
Really great words...i relly enjoied this write...AWESOME keep it up
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I liked this poem ... well got me thinking is this how my daughter feels...?? thanks for the she well done
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Excellent
I thought this "form" beautiful.. I enjoyed the repeated lines which served to emphasis a statement. The subject matter I found disturbing as I dislike the thought of a homeless Teen alone ....Beautifully written 
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Wellworked Rhyme sceme, beautifull scenery en lot of tension build up.
Keepthem coming
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I love "Anxious waiting constantly resumes".
Your wordchoice is great. The language is thick and rich.
This feels a bit like a villanelle. Was that your goal? -
alot of feeling and a lot of perspective. great write.
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Nicely written
Nicely written. It flowed very easily. Great work. Keep it up. -
A perfect example of this revolutionary new f
Your new hybridanelle is just superb. anyone that can create such a complex form, then write within the rules of that form so perfedtly, managing to tell a story and convey emotion is an incredible writer in my book. i suppose one of my many favourite parts would be:
My slumber but vivid streaks of fitful dream.
that is just fantastic. the images that makes are as real as the very vivid streaks of fitful dream we get every night; fantastic. I couldn't find any mistake in this poem so have to confess this comment isnt so much critical as a good slap on the back!!! -
Ooh...spooky. This is one gripping poem! All the repeated lines were very effective and frightening. I especially love "vivid streaks of fitful dream" and "Leafless limbs are drawn in sepia hues; Stark against the darkness of my thought".
Thunderstorms are indeed spectacular. They make my heart race and my imagination fly...you painted all of that wonderfully! -
outstanding!
wow.... i thought the poem was descriptive. it flowed really well.... unlike mine. mine normally jump randomly. brilliant. -
excellent and heart-stirring
very interesting form of poetry, wordy,crafted worthily, very emotional - showing the mental and hearty chaos that a young person undergoes in life one night, compared to the natural things that happen around.very emotional ans awe-inspiring write! -
wow i really like this poem alot please feel free to coment on any of my poems, thought i doint have any yet... A FELLOW ERIN.... ERIN'S RULE THE WORLD!!!! LOL BUH BYE!! THOGHT IT WAS GREAT LIKE FROSTED FLAKES..IT WAS MORE THAN GOOD..ITS GREAT!! LOL LOL BYE!!
LiFeDrEaMeR -
This was very desriptive and very well done! I liked it and thought that you did a super job! it rhymed, flowed nicely and had a lot of emotion behind it! thx for the oppertunity to read such a good poem!!!! I look forward to reading more and remember never stop writing!!!! It is a great gift and should be used to express the feelings of great writer such as yorself!!!!!!!!!!
missy
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Really brilliant
crystaldust 20-01-05 14:30
So this is a hybridanelle! It's fascinating and you use it brilliantly. I couldn't in a hundred years work out a form like this, so I'm really loving it. Bowled over, in fact.Hope you sing many more songs like this brimming over with emotion and yet not wasting it on unnecessary words. Just keep going. -
Nice job. I love vivid imagery and your description in poetic form has vivid imagery - like someone might spend paragraphs in prose developing. Nice job on this beautiful piece.
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Wow I have to agree with all the previous comments, the form is excellent, the imagery is outstanding, and the emotions that pour out through your words are incredible
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nice....its got lots of feeling. keep up the good writing
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Agog! simply agog!
"I try to manage what rest I can redeem,
Protected by the storm from shifting frames,
My slumber but vivid streaks of fitful dream.
I connect with this poem on such a personal level. For me it speaks to the child that was and at times still is...Stanzas 6 and 10 describe her turmoil so distinctly. I tried to descibe what she was feeling in many of my poems, beginning with my poem Flashback. Your work is brilliant and illuminates the shadows I know so well taking me to a whole new level of thinking...and hopefully as I learn and grow; a better way of expressing myself through poetry.
"I've struggled to grasp what life could ever mean
As memory and mind are stripped away;
There's nothing left for the winds to rip from me."
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v. good
very god poetry,the use of repetition is great and useful in passing a message.keep it up -
enjoyed it
Very disturbing. A good read--definitely holds my interest. You're very creative. -
Hmm i love reading your work it always sparks a deeper meaning with me and its so...well crafted! great job!
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Excellent
Quite the well done piece. The wording and imagery is commanding - once I started reading I was done for. I couldn't have stopped.
I think this is the first hybridanelle I've read, but the form looks very interesting.
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Hello Erin,
In 1970 I worked on a farm in West Newberry, Mass. They had a mare which had been a great show horse, but when retired, she produced 2 consecutive foals which were born normally but both of which died a few days after birth. When I went to work for them, this mare was due to foal the third time. I suggested to the owner that I had known of an Rh factor in horses where the foal might just be alergic to the mare's milk. With the aid of a local veterinarian, we monitored the mare 24 hours a day until the foal was born and, did not allow the foal to suckle directly from the mare. Some simple tests proved my theory was correct, but now we had the awesome task of "milking" the mare free of the hazzardous collostrum, and nourishing the foal by artificial means. This was a 24 hour a day project that lasted 45 days and involved giving the foal shots of antibiotcs to prevent illness...something the foal would have got naturally from the collostrum if it had been safe for the youngster. I relate this story to demonstrate that I have, for some time now, felt like your poetry has made me feel that you are much like that foal...you have had a strong will to survive despite your rough beginnings. There seems to be a light emanating from your dark poetry that is filled with the gloom of your childhood. I can't quite put my finger on all the aspects of these feelings, but I believe there are many in the world who like myself and the ones who helped me save that foal, wish to see you blossom into the place of recognition you so richly deserve.
In my first post I commented on the technically amazing aspects of your poem. I thought you might like to know what it did for me emotionally, BTW, the foal I speak of not only survived, but became a champion show horse in his own time and later became an important sire of fine stock at the farm where his life began under precarious conditions.
Cheers and Blessings, my friend,
Del -
What can I say, I am speechless. It was excellent, and it kinda gives me the feeling of what I would feel on a dark stormy day alone.
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The form is interesting and kept me going back through the poem to figure out how it was working-- great job on that. The imagery is thick and I felt myself sucked into the storm and emotion for a moment. The poem tosses and turns like a storm and gives a kind of unsettled feeling which seems perfect. Great write!
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good
a well written peom.I love it -
this was seriously brilliant... i loved the vocabulary... and the images portrayed... excellent job... i couldent have written it better myself...
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You have talent for this art of poetry ... very beautifuly done. Your word choices are a bit brilliant, seems you pick them so carefully, awesome.
~Tina -
Rx read this call me in AM
Dear Erin,
Haven't heard the word "fugue" in a heck of a long time!
Cannot really comment on the "street legalness" as a hybrid villanelle as I still don't know what the he_ those are, but am taking a class here at AP and hope to catch up to you one day.
I don't do well in classes so don't wait for me.LOL
Plus, my memory isn't what it ought to be. An old ECT wound, if you know what I mean.
Tell you one thing though, it's squeaky clean. If that is what you were going for, you got it!
I know you put a lot into this. I had a poem on my dining room table for five weeks. I almost ate it one time.
It is one good poem Erin. I wouldn't change anything, but if you have thoughts of it, this poem will survive any surgery you might be planning. It is that good!
Your Friend,
John -
fine piece of write here
this is a magnificent write. a very good choice of words to keep me interested all the to the very end. good job.hope to rea more of your fine work. thank you for sharing this write with my family and I. excellent job -
A brilliant piece of work, the structure is unusual and works to perfection, this piece stands out in the crowd a truley great write, its flow is very beautiful nothing jars it is a little masterpiece and a joy to read, you have a great deal of talent and it was a great pleasure to read, I will always be looking out for more of your works, great ,brilliant
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sweet
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amazingly visual
Hello Erin,
A most impressive accomplishment. I am slightly exhausted just thinking of the effort it took to write this poem. I concur with DeBracey's observation that is interesting how you varied the mood with line length. I noticed your impeccable use of assonance and consonance both internally and on the ends of lines together with a touch of alliteration with "lifeless limbs" and "Frantic flashes" all of which further enhance the projected turmoil of the narrator. I will go out on a limb and state this may be the most ambitious project of yours thus far and has been well worth the wait. I should hope to gain a tenth of your grasp of language in my remaining lifetime.
I offer some well deserved applause,
Del -
liz: thanks for the looksee! i'll ponder what might be done about the line you've pointed out. it's supposed to be an iambic-anapaestic (one anapaest) pentameter, so if i change it, i'll be trying to hold onto the existing structure.
this is what i think of as a "sense impression" poem. it uses some concepts that DeBracey and i had talked about (to the best of my limited understanding) that were centered around the effect of pointillism in impressionist art work, especially paintings.
i have this crazy notion that a similar effect ought to be possible with language. won't know if the trail i'm sniffing down will lead me to something juicy until i try a few more poetic experiments such as this. i was going to play with an idea i had for the "ghazalanelle", but this hybridanelle seems to be providing me with the desired structure for experimenting with tropic pointillism.
*yawwnnnn**
no sleep in nearly 24 hours and i still have to go to a poetry ho-down tonight... bah... i doubt the poem will make much of an impression on the other poets tonight... poets around here don't seem to be very interested in what i'm trying to do (hence my "rant" about poetry being my first true love, this apathetic behavior i get from the locals sort of inspired that).
Edited on Jan 19, 8:15 p.m. because ''. -
Excellent Crafting
Wow Erin, Again, I am clueless about the params on this, but I can (from reading your other 2 posted) get a feel of what is expected. Debaracey hit on some excellent contributions that this poem brings to the reader. First the sonics are done in a pleasant, non-intrusive or forced manner, each inner rhyme slides off the tongue and the images are unique and establish as well drawn upon story line that allows the reader to feel the movement from one Stanza into the next. I read a multi-layered meaning through out the stanza, developing an inner turmoil of the narrator. The only Stanza I felt fumble was S2L4,
{Awaiting the dawn within its quaking hold.)
I am not sure if my suggestion would disturb the construction of the form, but perhaps: Waiting the dawn ...
Other than that... Yummm this is for a quiet night by the fire place on a stormy night (if I had a fireplace..LOL) and soaking in the thoughts inwhich it leaves the reader with. Excellent crafting.
Hugs, Liz
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I like the way you made the 'hybrid' work by using the shorter metered stanzas to describe the 'outside' visuals, and the longer 10/11s to reflect the inner thoughts. It is a very dramatic write, compelling, packed with 'what the thunder said'. You know I am drawn to atmospheric poems, and this is surely one of the finest. The fourth stanza particularly pulled me into this experience, although it is all so tightly packed with both visuals and emotional connection with the reader it would be as hard to unravel as the hard work that must have gone into knitting it all together.
Edited on Jan 19, 5:03 p.m. because ''.
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