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Tanka (upon sand - ii-futility)

from the shore I watch

      the sun sink           and you with it
     
              far off            somewhere else

                      futile I feel       as I write
                        on sand     what I failed to say

Author notes

'Upon sand' is a three part (well^^    so far).

i.persistence ( http://allpoetry.com/edit/1005602 )
ii.futility ( http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1005643 )
iii.secrets ( http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1007162 )

Forgive my incompetence as I wasn't able to organise things.

I've sorted a few things for this ''triptych".
Again, my thanks to, jonnyfaint.
You've been most helpful, love.
Written January 18th, 2005

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

  • madchik58
    March 18, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This is so good. It has a very original and refreshing form. I love and thanks for your comments on my poems. Once again great write!!!!!


  • April Renee
    January 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    oh freaking awesome! beautiful. sad. beautifully sad. great job with writing this. enjoyed it tons.

    Blu


  • jonnyfaint
    January 18, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    warm

    i like this, i think its looking back by the look of the last line, i think anyone has had times when they think of the perfect thing to say after the situation happened, i liked the form also, i wonder if it is establish or if you made it up but instead of a big space you can put a ; and it means to pause for a secound, in case you didn't kno, but you were probably going for a that look with the poem ohh in the title is that what tanka looks like, im not sure what those are i thought they were 7 56 or something, anyways i liked this, it has depth as well as everything you write, peace baby
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