boarding the bus
I say "single"
as the doors closed
I could have told you
so much more
Andrew Hide
18~01~2005
Author notes
To join the tanka class visit allpoetry.com/Application/660695
Written January 18th, 2005
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1 - 8 of 8
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You've had several lengthy comments, so I'll simply say good job, I enjoyed this one!
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Excellent!
This is a very strong piece. It passes on the emotion of deep sadness from the poet to the reader. Each line in this piece conveys an idea/image. The first three lines{Kaminshu} read well as a haiku and the last three lines{Shimonoku} read well on their own as well. The lower half of the tanka has brought forth something that the writer feels/wishes for. The word "single" plays a perfect role here to reveal that the person boarding the bus is now single{i.e., with no companion or spouse or friend or lover or child}. This tanka resonates very well. It can refer to the unspoken words between two people who could be a father and his step-child or a mother and her step-child, or, between two people who were in love and travelled on bus together everywhere but don't anymore because of a break-up, or it could be the unspoken words between two married people who are now divorced. So many possibilities here. The pivot line L3 has balanced this tanka very well. "As the doors closed" on the one hand refers to the closing of the doors of the bus, and, on the other, refers to the closing of the doors of the relationship between two people{example, due to a divorce}. I know a gentleman who is about 66 years of age and now a divorcee. He is a very lonely person whose life is now centered around meditation and God realisation. He tells me alot of his sorrow and I always listen to him. My heart goes out to him. I can so relate this tanka with him. I agree with Colin that once the doors have closed, the opportunity to say things is over and yet again, sometimes the best things are best unstated. Pretty ironical, isn't it? This is an ideal tanka.
-Charishma -
yep powerful emotional piece the set-up with the single on the bus is so good ...i really must emphasise how good the "single" is it alludes so subtely to the fact that there was once a couple but the pivot.. doors closed ..the opportunity now gone all the things that were unsaid between a couple can sometimes haunt but then again some of the best things can be unstated.
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Of all the words for us to most regret...they tend to be the ones we have left unsaid. I try very hard to make certain that i never leave things unsaid...which often causes me to say too much. But rather too much...than too little, i believe.
This is very touching, Andrew.
UB
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so often we are given opportunities and let them pass by. Should we have taken them? We will never know will we.
This is one to make you go 'hmmmmmm'
intriguing...
Susan -
why didn't you then? it seems to me that a chance lost is pointless. ah well, step inside my temple of wonderment and awwww. I will make things alll better.
the ever optulent
squeeg -
could have.
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