Magoink03• Show poetry

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder."

STUN GUN ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! . A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

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i want happiness
i seek happiness

to cause your happiness
to be your happiness

so take me
someplace far away
to a true else where
please take me there

magic that lasts
never-ending kiss
without break
unperishable bliss

take me
i want happiness

birds sing
song of unknown tongue
though winged, they
still fail to reach the sky

a place not to be treaded alone

so take me
to a true elsewhere

wet feathers
locked fingers
melting flesh
fusing minds

take me
i want happiness

not your past
but your present is what i seek

carefully winding back its fragile thread

please take me there

i want happiness

i want happiness
i seek happiness

to cause your happiness
to be your happiness

take me
to a true elsewhere
deliver me

a bird in a cage
a bird berft of flight
a bird that can not cry
a bird all by it self

so take me
i want happiness

happy just to be with you
happy just to see you smile

so take me
to a true elsewhere

please take me
to happiness

my first thought
and my last wish

a promised land where fairies wait
with room just enough for two

so deliver me, help me

to forget the tribulations of day
and to stay in this dream of night
where i can be thinking of you forever

take me

to my bliss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

things i love to say

if at first u dont succed erase all evidence that u tried

theres always something to laugh at

laughter is the key to happiness

u will never make it in life if u dont have good friends to fall back on

cows r awsome

cows fly and chickens say moo

have a day

a very merry un-birthday to you
to you
a very merry un-birthday to me
to me?
to you!!!

i love the rain
and the color purple

ppl with british acsents make me laugh

everything makes me laugh

i dont try to act kool it cums naturally

abbys my awsomeo bestest best friend

cooter

cum bubble

snot hole

paskety

cimanin

vilanilla

chuckithy

bum hole

tushy

luggy

ITS ALL GOOD

my name is dory
and heres my story
im from the reef
and i do eat beef

we did it we did it oh yea yea yea
no eatting here to night
no eatting here to night
no no no eatting here to night you on a diet!!!

when ever asked whats up... i say...the sky...or a chickens ass when its eating

if u call someone a fruit it isnt a bad thing!!!!!