Kristin marie• Show poetry

It's been about a year since I've posted. I haven't really written much since I graduated until I started college a year later. I think I'm rusty, and don't know if I'll ever write like I did as a child. It's as if I had a gift that left me as a grew up, if you can call it a gift. I guess I have just not wanted to think, nor feel, enough to write about anything. I'll give it a try.


I'm almost 20 years old. I'm a daycare provider and I love it. I try to put my past and emotions behind and take care of the children as if they were my own. I try to treat them like how I would have wanted myself to be treated, as a helpless 2 year old who hasn't yet realized that they are beings in this confusing and odd world. Things have been tough, yea, but things have been tough for everyone. I have since put my college goals on hold to be a caregiver full time to get enough money to get my own car and have some money in the bank. I currently reside in another persons home other than my own, or a member of my own family, however they are like family. I would still rather be on my own so that I can continue to grow and learn. I need to be independent, it's what kind of person I am.

As you can see through a lot of my poetry, I've been struggling with Anxiety, Depression, and OCD for about 5 years now. I gave up OCD as my New Years Resolution and although it's hard to just "give up" a disorder, I can physically control my actions and have not allowed myself to continue the rituals. I know that in turn, that can actually make my anxiety worse because my rituals are often an escape to my anxiety. I am not ashamed of the poems about cutting and suicide that I have written in the past. Although they were childish and selfish, I feel like I needed to express the feelings I had in some form. I do not condone suicide or cutting, and God has led me away from the feeling of taking my own life. Although I still remain feeling hopeless a lot of the time I believe my Creator knows what's in store for me. I'm very passionate about people and enhancing the quality of life, and I think he'll use that passion I have to do good in this world for the people who have no one else. I do admit it will be quite a struggle, however, to put my depression aside and give to others. Depression allows me to be very selfish, only thinking about my troubles and my life. It's hard to help others when you can't help yourself. Depression is something I am going to have to let go up, to give up, if I am to ever advance and give to children what they desperately need. I think to myself, how many children are missing out on the presence of a loving person all because I can't manage to love myself? It's difficult but I think if I can continue on my journey and sort out my thoughts, if I keep telling myself and believing that I have given my life to God to show me where I am most needed, I'll get there. If I keep thinking of myself as a happy married 30 year old women with a family and a career full of rewarding days of helping children, I'll get closer and closer to the day that that becomes true. Although I do not want these next 10 young years to fly by, they will be 10 years of hard work and determination to get myself and my career on track. I understand that things will never be perfect, that no one will ever have a picture perfect euphoric life, but being content and happy with myself will be a huge step forward from what I am feeling right now. Someday....... everything will be okay. Thank you, God.


<3

Kristin Marie