I am a 37 yr. old widowed mom of two.
My children are my life and being a mother and wife are the two most important and full filling tasks I have ever accomplished. ♥
Since my husband, my childrens father, was ripped from our lives we have been through more than any family should ever be forced into enduring.
My husband was an addict, he was suffering from his horrendous childhood and just couldn't get away from the nightmare called mother.
When he was 7 years old she allowed ONE of her new husbands to give him his first tatoo ( I asked her why one time and she laughed and said to piss off his dad, her ex )the same day he recieved his tatoo of a swaztika on his hand between his forefinger and his thumb they gave him a joint that had been soaked in enbalming fluid ( ya know the stuff they pump into dead people's bodies to preserve them ).
He described it as the most scared and the sickest he's ever been. He spent the next week or so ( he couldn't get specific on the time because he was so high) hiding and getting sick. He spent the school days hiding inside a janitors closet behind a mop bucket and then would run home after school to hide in his bedroom. He thought the police were looking for him and would arrest his whole family and then it would be his fault that his brothers and sister were in seperate foster homes, this is something his mother repeatedly told him to keep him from telling anyone of the abuse.
My husband was then forced to rob and steal for his mother when he was about 14. His mother was then screwing a cop from Everett Washington (a married cop) who would sell the stolen products and they would keep the money to "help support his brothers and sisters". His mother promised him she would have her cop boyfriend keep him from trouble but then when one day he told her he would steal no more she kicked him out. He left, much to her surprise and dislike. She called him up over at a friends where he had been staying and cried that she was so sorry. He forgave her. She then begged him to do one last burglary and she would never need him to do it again.
He agreed, she gave him the directions he robbed the house and just like they had planned he called her to tell her it was done. She then called the police and cried that her son was going to hurt her and that he had been robbing houses.
Gene came home to be ambushed by the police, little did he know the house she had set him up to rob was a cops house and because he had stolen guns he was sent to prison.
While the police were there arresting him she was bawling and wailing about how much she loved her son and he was out of control but then before they pulled off in the cop car with him in handcuffs in the back she walked up to the window and smiled and winked at him.
He said he would never forget that look in her eyes, he knew he was truly alone at that point.
We met after he was released from prison.
Beacuse of the swaztika tattoo on his hand he had a choice of being beaten up by the minority groups (who were the majority) or to join in a white supremist group.
He chose survival and began to run with a new kind of monster.
Once he was released and we met and fell in love he found that hate was just a crutch and let it go.
We did well. He quickly became very successful and we had a beautiful life with beautiful kids, but one day it all came back to haunt us.
He fell back into the drugs.
He couldn't escape it seemed, he was working for a new company doing the same type of job ( commercial sandblasing and painting ) and the owner of the company would require the guys work 24 shifts to meet the deadlines. This is very physical and toxic work alot of the guys would call in sick and then they would be fired, unless they were union ( which Gene was)and in that case they would not be given the prevailing wage jobs.
So the owner decided that his foremen (my husband) would be given packages to help them work the long grueling hours. Packages of meth.
That was all it took, and he was headed back to the hell from which he had escaped.
Now he is dead, he was shot and killed (totally unjustified!) by two policemen who have a long history of excessive force and shooting and killing people (1 a year for the last 6 years)
Just to clarify any suspicions: No he was not breaking the law when he was killed, the police made snap decisions and murdered and innocent man who had been set up by a vindictive desperate lying wife of a friend of my husbands.
So now we will never have the opportunity to see the kids dad, my husband make it through the hell.
No grandpa for my grandkids
No dad to walk our daughter down the aisle and give her hand to her love.
No dad rooting and cheering on graduation day
So many losses, so unfair.
We are surviving though, we even manage a smile every once in a while, not the polite plastic smile that one does so as not to be rude but real honest to God smile's.
Every morning I wake up and think about another day without him, every night I go to bed thinking of another night without him but now it seems the moments in between are not as devastating.
Healing is a long way off and I do not pretend that we are at a point of acceptance because we have not been allowed that comfort yet but I do have faith that we will see justice and in justice we will find the acceptance and closure that so many have assured me of.
The only comfort I have is in the knowledge that my love no longer hurts, he no longer cries out in the middle of night from the terrors of his childhood.
He is now with God and the Angels, experiancing the joy and happiness that the good and pure deserve.
I will join him someday and on that day we will quietly hold each other and just... be.
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
An awesomely creative poet has chose to join AP~
He is my son, my first born, my reason for living ( along with his sister) and if you want to read some heartfelt writes you can find him at http://allpoetry.com/ezlyinfluenced
Unfortunately I can not read his work, not yet.
I want to fix it for him, but he has to do it himself.
The hardest part of being a mom I've learned is letting go of them just enough but not too much.
********************************************************************************************************************
The song my husband had always talked about wanting played at his funeral ♥ ♥ ♥
Metallica**** Fade To Black
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filing me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
********************************************************************************************************************
For my love, This is the best I can do
I wish I would have listened more
seriously to you.
You took my heart and left my soul
when you made your mad escape from
this cold world of critical contempt.
I love you~ Forever your wife...
********************************************************************************************************************
Only God Knows Why
Only God Knows Why
Kid Rock
I've been sittin' hear
Tryin' to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin’ for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And now I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in life
I watch my younger son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think i'll keep on walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God.....only God
Only God knows why
Only God....knows....why why why only God knows why
Take me to the river's...edge
Take me to the river...hey hey hey
********************************************************************************************************************
Your pain is gone, it's been left behind.
Your free baby, free to be what you want,
To experiance the happiness you deserve.
Free to soar through the heavens and to love
without pain.
I miss you, God how I miss you.
********************************************************************************************************************
A solitary tear runs down my cheek
I look around at all the sympathetic faces
Feeling my future has become so dark, so dead
...without you.
I bend to kiss your cold pale lips,
One last time.
Movements and motions are all I know of living now.
Death does not stop at you.
It's taken my life too.
I've lost a future of a million more memories.
Memories of laughing, crying, loving and living.
...memories made with you.
Forever Your Wife in spirit and in life...
**********************************************************
Aint no sunshine when she's/he's gone
Max Mutzke
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
Is not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
anytime he goes away
Wonder this time where he's gone
Wonder if he's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime he goes away
Bridge:
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
Hey I ought to leave this young thing alone
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime he goes away
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
Is not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
anytime he goes away.
******************************************************
A poem written for me by a very talented and creative poet here at A.P. as well as a very kind and dear friend.
Sometimes in the darkness
In that place where you hide
You can sometimes feel his presence
Standing there by your side
Love can reach out and touch
Through doors we cannot see
Gently touching heart and soul
From lifes pain to set you free
He will always be there watching
Wishing he could dry your tears
So listen to the soft winds blow
For the words you long to hear
Written by John
AKA Kniepower
**********************************************************
Her soul is woven in her words
In the poetry that she writes
Sadness pain and love's lost
Tears that fall in the night
Trying hard then to forgive
The pain caused to her heart
Asking god then to understand
Why forgiveness is hard to start
Words that whispher on the wind
As she strains to hear them clear
Offer promises of release from pain
If only the messages she could hear
Alone then she walks the road
For no one can show the way
Yet perhaps in time will find
A portions of a sunbeams ray
WRITTEN BY KNIEPOWER
AKA JOHN
*******************************************
My beautiful daughter
H elpful and loving to all who need a good friend
A lways blowing kisses to send
N oticing if a hug is ever needed
N ifty and neat but never concieted
A dorably charming and a pleasure to know
H onorable daughter who's beauty does glow
R emebering the day she was born
U ttering 'I love you forever'~ is what I had sworn
T eachers always saying she's so very bright
H annah Ruth is her name, she's my love and my light
************************************************
My Handsome son
L ove of my life, easy to see
E xtraordianry young man who makes me so happy
T he son I am so proud to say is my child
H e is a very good guy, and can be a little wild
Y oung and brave with a heart of gold
L ittle bit of mischeif (I have been told)
E ye's that brilliantly sparkle, so full of joy
T ender but tough he'll always be my baby boy
H andsome and smart he is on his way
A ccepting that he will grow up some day
L ethyl Ethal is his nick name granted one night
*Ethan is my son, my love and my light
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELO
My children are my life and being a mother and wife are the two most important and full filling tasks I have ever accomplished. ♥
Since my husband, my childrens father, was ripped from our lives we have been through more than any family should ever be forced into enduring.
My husband was an addict, he was suffering from his horrendous childhood and just couldn't get away from the nightmare called mother.
When he was 7 years old she allowed ONE of her new husbands to give him his first tatoo ( I asked her why one time and she laughed and said to piss off his dad, her ex )the same day he recieved his tatoo of a swaztika on his hand between his forefinger and his thumb they gave him a joint that had been soaked in enbalming fluid ( ya know the stuff they pump into dead people's bodies to preserve them ).
He described it as the most scared and the sickest he's ever been. He spent the next week or so ( he couldn't get specific on the time because he was so high) hiding and getting sick. He spent the school days hiding inside a janitors closet behind a mop bucket and then would run home after school to hide in his bedroom. He thought the police were looking for him and would arrest his whole family and then it would be his fault that his brothers and sister were in seperate foster homes, this is something his mother repeatedly told him to keep him from telling anyone of the abuse.
My husband was then forced to rob and steal for his mother when he was about 14. His mother was then screwing a cop from Everett Washington (a married cop) who would sell the stolen products and they would keep the money to "help support his brothers and sisters". His mother promised him she would have her cop boyfriend keep him from trouble but then when one day he told her he would steal no more she kicked him out. He left, much to her surprise and dislike. She called him up over at a friends where he had been staying and cried that she was so sorry. He forgave her. She then begged him to do one last burglary and she would never need him to do it again.
He agreed, she gave him the directions he robbed the house and just like they had planned he called her to tell her it was done. She then called the police and cried that her son was going to hurt her and that he had been robbing houses.
Gene came home to be ambushed by the police, little did he know the house she had set him up to rob was a cops house and because he had stolen guns he was sent to prison.
While the police were there arresting him she was bawling and wailing about how much she loved her son and he was out of control but then before they pulled off in the cop car with him in handcuffs in the back she walked up to the window and smiled and winked at him.
He said he would never forget that look in her eyes, he knew he was truly alone at that point.
We met after he was released from prison.
Beacuse of the swaztika tattoo on his hand he had a choice of being beaten up by the minority groups (who were the majority) or to join in a white supremist group.
He chose survival and began to run with a new kind of monster.
Once he was released and we met and fell in love he found that hate was just a crutch and let it go.
We did well. He quickly became very successful and we had a beautiful life with beautiful kids, but one day it all came back to haunt us.
He fell back into the drugs.
He couldn't escape it seemed, he was working for a new company doing the same type of job ( commercial sandblasing and painting ) and the owner of the company would require the guys work 24 shifts to meet the deadlines. This is very physical and toxic work alot of the guys would call in sick and then they would be fired, unless they were union ( which Gene was)and in that case they would not be given the prevailing wage jobs.
So the owner decided that his foremen (my husband) would be given packages to help them work the long grueling hours. Packages of meth.
That was all it took, and he was headed back to the hell from which he had escaped.
Now he is dead, he was shot and killed (totally unjustified!) by two policemen who have a long history of excessive force and shooting and killing people (1 a year for the last 6 years)
Just to clarify any suspicions: No he was not breaking the law when he was killed, the police made snap decisions and murdered and innocent man who had been set up by a vindictive desperate lying wife of a friend of my husbands.
So now we will never have the opportunity to see the kids dad, my husband make it through the hell.
No grandpa for my grandkids
No dad to walk our daughter down the aisle and give her hand to her love.
No dad rooting and cheering on graduation day
So many losses, so unfair.
We are surviving though, we even manage a smile every once in a while, not the polite plastic smile that one does so as not to be rude but real honest to God smile's.
Every morning I wake up and think about another day without him, every night I go to bed thinking of another night without him but now it seems the moments in between are not as devastating.
Healing is a long way off and I do not pretend that we are at a point of acceptance because we have not been allowed that comfort yet but I do have faith that we will see justice and in justice we will find the acceptance and closure that so many have assured me of.
The only comfort I have is in the knowledge that my love no longer hurts, he no longer cries out in the middle of night from the terrors of his childhood.
He is now with God and the Angels, experiancing the joy and happiness that the good and pure deserve.
I will join him someday and on that day we will quietly hold each other and just... be.
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
An awesomely creative poet has chose to join AP~
He is my son, my first born, my reason for living ( along with his sister) and if you want to read some heartfelt writes you can find him at http://allpoetry.com/ezlyinfluenced
Unfortunately I can not read his work, not yet.
I want to fix it for him, but he has to do it himself.
The hardest part of being a mom I've learned is letting go of them just enough but not too much.
********************************************************************************************************************
The song my husband had always talked about wanting played at his funeral ♥ ♥ ♥
Metallica**** Fade To Black
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filing me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye
********************************************************************************************************************
For my love, This is the best I can do
I wish I would have listened more
seriously to you.
You took my heart and left my soul
when you made your mad escape from
this cold world of critical contempt.
I love you~ Forever your wife...
********************************************************************************************************************
Only God Knows Why
Only God Knows Why
Kid Rock
I've been sittin' hear
Tryin' to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin’ for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And now I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in life
I watch my younger son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think i'll keep on walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God.....only God
Only God knows why
Only God....knows....why why why only God knows why
Take me to the river's...edge
Take me to the river...hey hey hey
********************************************************************************************************************
Your pain is gone, it's been left behind.
Your free baby, free to be what you want,
To experiance the happiness you deserve.
Free to soar through the heavens and to love
without pain.
I miss you, God how I miss you.
********************************************************************************************************************
A solitary tear runs down my cheek
I look around at all the sympathetic faces
Feeling my future has become so dark, so dead
...without you.
I bend to kiss your cold pale lips,
One last time.
Movements and motions are all I know of living now.
Death does not stop at you.
It's taken my life too.
I've lost a future of a million more memories.
Memories of laughing, crying, loving and living.
...memories made with you.
Forever Your Wife in spirit and in life...
**********************************************************
Aint no sunshine when she's/he's gone
Max Mutzke
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
Is not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
anytime he goes away
Wonder this time where he's gone
Wonder if he's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime he goes away
Bridge:
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
I know , I know, I know, I know, I know
Hey I ought to leave this young thing alone
ain't no sunshine when he's gone
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime he goes away
Aint no sunshine when he's gone
Is not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
and he's always gone too long
anytime he goes away.
******************************************************
A poem written for me by a very talented and creative poet here at A.P. as well as a very kind and dear friend.
Sometimes in the darkness
In that place where you hide
You can sometimes feel his presence
Standing there by your side
Love can reach out and touch
Through doors we cannot see
Gently touching heart and soul
From lifes pain to set you free
He will always be there watching
Wishing he could dry your tears
So listen to the soft winds blow
For the words you long to hear
Written by John
AKA Kniepower
**********************************************************
Her soul is woven in her words
In the poetry that she writes
Sadness pain and love's lost
Tears that fall in the night
Trying hard then to forgive
The pain caused to her heart
Asking god then to understand
Why forgiveness is hard to start
Words that whispher on the wind
As she strains to hear them clear
Offer promises of release from pain
If only the messages she could hear
Alone then she walks the road
For no one can show the way
Yet perhaps in time will find
A portions of a sunbeams ray
WRITTEN BY KNIEPOWER
AKA JOHN
*******************************************
My beautiful daughter
H elpful and loving to all who need a good friend
A lways blowing kisses to send
N oticing if a hug is ever needed
N ifty and neat but never concieted
A dorably charming and a pleasure to know
H onorable daughter who's beauty does glow
R emebering the day she was born
U ttering 'I love you forever'~ is what I had sworn
T eachers always saying she's so very bright
H annah Ruth is her name, she's my love and my light
************************************************
My Handsome son
L ove of my life, easy to see
E xtraordianry young man who makes me so happy
T he son I am so proud to say is my child
H e is a very good guy, and can be a little wild
Y oung and brave with a heart of gold
L ittle bit of mischeif (I have been told)
E ye's that brilliantly sparkle, so full of joy
T ender but tough he'll always be my baby boy
H andsome and smart he is on his way
A ccepting that he will grow up some day
L ethyl Ethal is his nick name granted one night
*Ethan is my son, my love and my light
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELO
- Last seen on Aug 18 10:24 PM. Member since August 31, 2007.
- I'm a pyrite eye poet for 1191 comments.
- My mood is , and quote is Always remember to tell them you love them... Everyday..
- I am a 37 year old woman from Washington (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm mom.
- I am in the groups bones safe haven
- I have 1,191 comments, 7 contests
Poems I'm focused on
-
The strong sensation of your presence captures me as I sleep.
God has heard the call of love lost, showing mercy to our cries. -
Hello, my name is peace
Without me...115 lines, 8 comments, November 5, 2007. In Drug abuse, Freewrite, Message, Depression, Abuse, My own style, Other, Personal -
unfinished. Trying to put into words the horror of his life & who's fault it is. 2 many cuss words pop up.55 lines, 9 comments, October 24, 2007
My Poetry
-
Breathlessly I scream his name...
Longing for escape from all the crushing pain.6 lines, 10 comments, July 12 -
Long, hard, hot steel of his glory was left spent... The heat was internal as his blood came rushing angrily11 lines, 5 comments, July 12
My Stories
1 - 4 of 5
Show all at storywrite
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1 / The cop just stood there, staring blankly at her.2 / Nicole couldn't believe what she'd just heard him say. 3 / She repeated it to
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Nicole fumbled in the dark for the alarm clock that sat on her head board, buried in the mess
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'Useless' she thought outloud, the shooting pain in her back was never going to let her sleep. Everytime she would begin to drift off into10387 lines, 1 comment, October 27, 2007. In >5000 words, Abuse, Angst, Drama, Hope, Novel, Starting idea, Third person, Tragedy, Unedited
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kiwigirljacks : I miss you... on April 1Hope all is ok over there hun... we miss you around here!!
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fshsis : just thought id say hello... on March 24i havent been on for awhile but thought id drop in and say hello...hope you and your family are well...all is {gasp} quiet here, just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts.
amy -
kiwigirljacks : Just to let you know I'm..... on February 24
Hope all is well hun!
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angelicfaith : Love From Jan CherryOnTop on January 31
