Ok this a diary entry from yesterday and i thought you all deserve to know why i have been so sad lately.
'Dear Diary,
I'm still writing poetry, more then before. Everyone says that my poems are good but I honestly don't care anymore. Andrew came back and at first I got really happy. But now, I'm just pissed off and depressed at the same time. My mind is emotionally drained that i don't even know who i'm writing this down.
I mean you would be too. He left, saying he was going to kill himself! Wouldn't you be pissed off if someone who you cared about did this to you. And then came back 4 MONTHS later and tells you their sorry. And then he tells me to CHILL OUT!! That right there was a slap to the face. He knows how much I care for him, yet he tells me to chill out after what he did to me!!!
He put me through so much pain, I even tried to kill myself! And then he tells me I'm OVER REACTING!!! Now that was a harder slap then before. So i guess to him my pain doesn't matter. That all my tears were wasted for nothing. God, this brought back so much pain, that I even tried again earlier today.
And the setting was perfect. No one was home, and my aunt has very sharp knife's. So I went upstairs and took the biggest knife i could find. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I climbed into the tub and just laid there. I held the blade and waited for my hand to let it pierce my heart.
But, instead, I dropped it to the side and curled up into a ball and cried. I cried for about a half hour before I climbed out and put the knife back. What kept me from killing myself? I saw everyone who truely love me, flash before my eyes. And then i thought about everyone i had meet on AP.
... I love too many people to put them through what he did. And i'm not going to let him, decide my fate!'
Thats what i wrote and it's true i'm not going to end my life just because of him. Whats the point he wouldn't care anyway.
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To Andrew
This is how i felt when you came back and we had that conversation... i wasn't overreacting about this cause i was angry you would do this. The whole intire time you were gone i wrote all my poems to YOU! Not for any one else, but for you i have 6 poems dedicated to you! and that was just the first week! I'm sorry that i got angry but you have to see it from my point of view. Imagine i had done that to you, wouldn't you be very angry at me for doing this to you? Just think about that.
-Jazz -
God please don't kill yourself. He proved he's not worth your love by putting you through this you can't kill yourself for some one like that. I've only known you a few hours and I can say honestly I'd cry if you died. I know how you feel, I wanted to kill myself when sonny died but I couldn't to my friends what he did to me. *hugs*
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*hugs you back* thanks... i'm still trying not to but.. my heart is just dead
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Millions of people will tell you that it will get better over time. It does in a way. I'm speaking from experience, I know how you feel, it'll bounce around from hurting so bad you want to die to feeling nothing at all, like an empty shell. But eventually it will settle down and you'll feel normal again. It took my fiance to help me feel normal and sometimes I still feel empty and dead inside. I realized poetry is a great way to help because as emotionless as you feel you can still put out emotions. Stay strong, it's just a storm, like everything else it will pass.
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alright... and i've been writing more then ever since then.. some of the poems i don't even want to post
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Would you consider getting in touch with The Samaritans or any helpline in the country you live in who can help you with counselling to help you through this?
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You don't have to post them just write them as an outlet. Trust me you may feel dead inside like theres nothing left to give but theres still alot of emotions in there. When your body is in alot of pain it tries to cope with it usually by trying to numb it, which in this case your hurting emotionally so it turns off your emotions so you wont hurt. The emotions are still there and thats why when you do feel stuff youll probably be breaking down. For this reason I say POETRY HELPS!
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