Shockfactor & Questions
Life takes some pretty unexpected turns and it really never ceases to amaze me.
I went to my new psychiatrist today (well, actually I saw the Nurse Practicioner because the actual psychiatric doctor was scheduling out at least three weeks and she could fit me in the next week). At first I was a bit uneasy about that, because I don't trust people with my mental health in general, and I really only wanted the best of the best.
Turns out, that may be exactly what I got in my new ... Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner/Counselor... I don't know that there's a title that really fits her very well.
I immediately felt very comfortable with her. We jumped from topic to topic like lightning jumps from cloud to cloud in Summer storms. Miscarriage, job stress and loss, childhood, marriage, teenage years, suicide attempts, manic-like symptoms, medication history, hypersensitivity, empathy, auras...
yes, you read that correctly - empathy and auras.
I was just as surprised as you are.
Want an even bigger surprise?
She doesn't think I'm bipolar.
Since I posed the idea of diagnosis to her as a tentative question (maybe a part of me hoping that I wasn't bipolar after all)... I'm not really sure what I expected.
I did say "now there has been some talk of me having a bipolar diagnosis... I'd like to get your take on that."
At first, I felt immense relief. Finally, I get to leave an office without the whole "you are bipolar, you will always be bipolar, and it will only get worse if you don't take medicine every day for the rest of your life" conversation.
I left her office completely excited, ready to delve into this new world full of possibilities that she merely pointed me to - just by saying "You know, I don't think you're bipolar. I think you're an Indigo child."
What, you might be asking, is an Indigo child?
Don't feel bad; I didn't know what it was either.
Basically, an Indigo child is a child who is born with ... abilities ... beyond the normal realm of human capability. Examples would include psychics, inventors, musical prodigies, extremely gifted artists, civil rights organizers, telepaths, astral projectors (that sounds like such a kinky term doesn't it?), and finally... empaths.
Obviously, once grown, this person would be called an Indigo adult.
Why Indigo? No, (for those of you who might think with mild wry humor like my husband) it doesn't have anything to do with the music band Indigo Girls.
According to people who claim to see auras, these kind of people have a different color aura than other humans. They are a deep indigo color - a color that has come to be associated with a deeper level of psychic or spiritual connectivity.
What I find bizarre is that she knew, without me really saying it at all, that I was very empathic (empathetic?) as a child... at times, even somewhat telepathic. On rare occasions, perhaps psychic (in the sense that I always know when something bad is going to happen - I just rarely know exactly what, when or how).
These are traits I don't usually own up to because 1) it makes me seem crazy - as if my volatile mood swings don't already do a good enough job of that; 2) people don't really believe in that stuff, generally; and 3) I wasn't all too sure of these "abilities" myself.
Lately, though, I've started to see more and more acceptance of it. As I see others share their gifts with the world, I start to ask myself "why can I not have faith in my own?"
That, added with the fact that I have so many friends who are suddenly coming talking about my empathic and psychic abilities a lot lately (with great enthusiasm and encouragement), really has made me start to explore the idea a little more.
It's still not something I would just tell everybody. Though I did actually admit it at work (when, yet another person noted my ability to know what is wrong with someone). I basically said "well that's because I feel it, too."
On a side note, I have been really gaining strength in the physical empathy department lately. I mean if someone else is nauseous, I get waves of nausea rolling over me. Imagine working with a girl who is pregnant, first thing in the morning.
Anyhow, back on track - it did feel good for someone, a professional at that, to openly discuss the part empathy plays in my depression and mood problems. To point out that it's no wonder I was depressed as a child - with all those overwhelming abilities and emotions that I had no idea how to handle.
It was... exciting. Reassuring. Validating.
But now I'm torn.
Why?
Because for the past four years (has it really been that many now?) I have identified myself as bipolar.
It isn't the same as saying "Hi. I'm Allie. I have such and such illness."
No. When you're bipolar... you say "Hi. I'm Allie. I am bipolar."
It becomes a part of your identity. It drives your personality. Every little aspect of who you are and what you do can so easily be explained away by the illness, by fluctuating moods.
I can still see a lot of bipolar in myself. It's hard to let go of that system of categorizing everything as either manic, hypomanic, normal, depressed, or mixed. As up or down. My friends, family and I always say "this is an up day or this is a down day." I say "manic me" is a lot more fun and social, "depressed me" is a lot more withdrawn and quiet.
So I'm really struggling with this dissociation from bipolar.
Shouldn't it be a good thing that I'm not?
Why do I feel like I've lost something?
In a way, being bipolar sort of makes you part of this ... club. This circle of people who commiserate over their volatile extremes, their wild manic stories, their tragic depressed ones.
I have read countless books, biographies, and memoirs about bipolar people. I found so much of myself in them.
Now, I feel sort of lost all over again.
Yet, like I belong somewhere for the first time in my life.
I'm so confused.
She said that we have to give a diagnosis for insurance purposes, though she hates labeling people because people are so individual that labels really don't work. My diagnosis is going to be depression... at least for now.
Though she did mention it may be possible that I have borderline personality disorder.
Great. Trade one evil (bipolar) in for another one (borderline). I always kind of thought borderline was more extreme than bipolar.
She said bipolar is very overused. That only 1% of the population is truly bipolar, just like only 1% is truly schizophrenic.
That large 50% with mood problems just falls under the general category of mood disorders (I always thought bipolar was part of that category, not separate from it).
I have to read up on borderline personality disorder more - to see if it really fits.
Oddly enough, all the tests you take to determine mood disorders and mental illnesses point straight to bipolar disorder for me.
Okay, enough whining about that. It's my fault I asked in the first place.
Though I am glad... to an extent...
because now I get to take antidepressants again.
I tried to warn her. I told her that I get crazy on them. Really hyper, really impulsive, really... eager to do things I normally wouldn't... I even experience paranoia and hallucinations sometimes (that was on Zoloft, in 2002).
But she's determined to try a baby dose of Celexa (which is in the same drug family as Paxil and Zoloft - my two worst enemies).
This is bound to be interesting.
At least I'll feel better (for a while).
Then again, a part of me is sad about that too.
I feel like I'm getting ready to kill some part of me off. It's like going into surgery to have some siamese twin removed (knowing it might actually kill her and you might never see her alive again).
I actually happen to like my darker side.
That's what I found so cool about being bipolar (or having bipolar-like mood swings, if I'm not really bipolar after all - I definitely have pretty awesome imitation bipolar swings) --- having both worlds - the depressed personality and the fun-loving personality.
It'd be nice to be happier, less restricted by depression, yes... but who wants to be happy all the time? Wouldn't that get boring?
Maybe I'm just afraid because this is all I've ever known. I've struggled with depression ever since I can remember (long before anything that even resembled mania or hypomania came into play).
I can't imagine a me without depression.
So it's like I'm going to kill myself and start over. Everything I knew about myself (or thought I knew) is unclear again.
I'm so confused!
Let me have your input...
do I seem bipolar to you? Or, if you know anything about it... do I seem like I have borderline personality disorder?
Do you believe in empathy and all that stuff?
Do you know anything about Indigo children?
Help 